Stupid, angry post

June 20, 2010

It feels like everything is a lie – me being here, my marriage, my life, my likes and dislikes, my children, my dogs. I don’t know who’s eyes I’m seeing out of but I don’t like it. I’m always ranting, too. Just one time I would like to offer up some intelligent and informative posts.

Today I remembered how I used to comfort myself when I was little and how ashamed I felt doing it, but I didn’t know what else to do. Sometimes when a memory comes through I remember how I used to remember. I don’t remember what I was doing 5 minutes ago lately.

I wish I wrote more intelligently and coherently. My brain just spills onto the computer anymore. I haven’t accomplished shit in this life. I don’t see what the purpose of me is, so one of the kids better win a Nobel Prize or something.

This summer is going to be a real challenge between not seeing my therapist as often, having little privacy or alone time with the kids home, and buffering the kids from the hubby’s stupidity. How will I write in my journals, or write here, or do therapy homework?

I want to write stupid, corny things like, “This is too much. I can’t go on this way.”, “I’m just going to stay the way I am. No more therapy.”, or “Goodbye world. Kids, fend for yourselves.”. But I don’t want to hear about how this too shall pass, I’ll get through, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, because I’ve heard that soooo many times and I think it’s shit. It’s not going to end, or it’s not going to end until I end it one way or another.

I have to go do something active and physical. Maybe that will help.

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I know what a flashback is.

I know what a body memory is.

I’m not entirely clear about switching. It happens/happened to me, but I don’t completely understand it the way longer-term DID folk speak of it.

I have a lot of trouble saying/writing the words “alter”, “littles”, “out”, “in”, “multiple”, “system”, “host”, “core”, “we”, “integration”. I know what they mean, but it’s difficult to assign those words to me.

I know what co-consciousness is because since I’ve learned what it means I realize that is the way I have lived much of my life.

I believe (for the most part) my DID diagnosis but I don’t feel like I fit in with other DIDer’s yet.

I used to laugh off Multiple Personality Disorder years ago. I thought the people were just acting. I no longer believe that, but I’m not sure what I truly believe. I also never believed I could have severe osteoarthritis at my age, but the x-rays show it. I wish x-rays could show DID.

I never dreamed that what I went through was severe, prolonged abuse which could have made me this way.

I am afraid that when I start confronting what made me DID the world will end as I know it, but that may be a good thing.

Over the past week I have come to an understanding that the host is an alter, which is a great, big bummer. So, now I’m wondering what kinds of things do I really like? What tastes do I have? Does the original/core of me like anything in particular? The only (aside from flashbacks and recovered memories) real early memory I have is coloring in a Spiderman coloring book, and that was as a toddler. I’ve been letting myself choose movies, foods, books, clothes, etc., without thinking over the past several days and here is what I’ve found:

Foods – Yakitori chicken, Thai basil beef, Italian pork chops, steamed rice, Origuri, pasta with garlic sauce, pink lemonade, lots of milk, and cranberry juices

Movies – Anime (Trigun, Yamato, Gun Sword, Ah! My Goddess, Samurai Champloo, Speedgrapher), Betty Boop short films, Futurama, Powerpuff Girls, Hellboy, Frasier, Dr. Horrible, anything with Indian actor Hrithik Roshan, Beyond the Sea, Star Trek (original & TNG)

Books – Warhammer fantasy books, anything to do with elves and/or fairies, old sci-fi (Issac Asimov, Robert Silverberg, Frank Herbert, Clifford Simak, etc.), cookbooks, crochet and sewing patterns

Clothes – purple and black

Music – American standards, New Wave, J-pop, video game music, movie soundtracks

I don’t know what this means, but I’m trying to find out what I am and what I like.  So far I think I should have been born Japanese and a man. 😉       If I try to unconsciously choose things like this will I find my core? I believe I have made choices based on other people’s likes and dislikes, or to make others happy. I’m thinking that if I tried to make certain others happy then I was hoping the abuse would stop and the abusers would like me.

Nearly everything I chose to cook, wear, listen to, or watch over the past few days are not liked by the abusers (at least I know that they would never try them). I don’t know if they would have disapproved, but I did not choose them to rebel against them. I was never exposed to these things as a kid, so I must have grown to like them myself. Right? My husband likes many of the same things and that is what attracted us to each other at first. He comes from an emotionally abusive and alcoholic background and we fit together rather well.

This blog started out as an adjunct to therapy for child sexual abuse and here I find myself  with DID, C-PTSD, and wondering who the hell I am. Or we are. This could all be explained much more easily if it were just aliens that had swooped down and abducted me. I bet that would be easier to accept, too.

I’ll leave you alone now. May your week be safe and uneventful.