A new era dawns

April 30, 2010

Tonight I start taking Trileptal and Abilify. Tomorrow all of my complex-PTSD symptoms will be gone, I will be completely and happily integrated, and my abusers will spend the rest of their miserable lives in jail.

*sigh*

Oh, I forgot about world peace, lions and lambs hanging out together, and no more poverty, etc. for good measure.

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Can you relate?

April 30, 2010

Ever had a week when nearly everything you do or say isn’t right? You end up accidentally sounding insulting, your words are taken out of context, or your words are misconstrued?

Do you walk around feeling invisible even in a car? People push past you, ignore you, behave like it’s a chore to help you?

Do you do what your doctor asks only to be told he thinks you’re wrong?

Do people avoid giving you certain tasks because they feel you will just do it wrong or mess it up? When you finally do something are you critiqued or treated like a child and chastised?

After all that do you do nothing and go ahead and be invisible because it doesn’t matter what you try to accomplish?

The past week has been exactly like that.

In therapy today I wanted to focus on how to prevent myself from sexual self-injury and try to figure out how to positively deal with it. Instead we meandered around various topics and ended up talking at great length about my husband’s 21 year-old daughter whom I normally don’t even acknowledge.

We had custody of her for 7 years and she stands as a shining example of my failure to be a mother/guardian with the best of intentions. I did everything I could for her. I tried to teach her what I knew and what I felt she might be interested in. We shared similar interests. I opened my heart, home, and family to her and never forced her to do anything horrible, just regular chores or homework. I never screamed at her, called her names, or made fun of her tastes and choices. I tried to let her develop into the bright, beautiful girl I knew was inside her. I never stopped trying until she moved out. The door was always open, but I never pushed her. I never made her call me Mom and I never spoke ill of her natural mother. She was included in everything we did and was never made to feel like an outsider.

I never received anything back from her. Nothing except heartbreak, anger, and frustration. Perhaps she took things out on me, or wouldn’t allow herself to get close to me  because her own mother abandoned her. I understand that, and I never tried to be her natural mother. She never asked me about or for anything. She constantly made a point of announcing quite loudly that I was her step-mother, and my girls were her half-sisters. I know she did it to embarrass the girls and I and to make a point of seperating herself from us. She rarely listened to me and did things to hurt me. I know teenagers push boundaries and need to find thier niche in life. I also understand that she needed a focus for her own frustrations.

When she moved out I found around 30 plastic bags filled with many things, especially clothes, that I had bought for her. They still had the tags on and were shoved in the back of her closet. She has since created her own version of her history and never mentions how she lived with us for 7 years and all that entails, that she has a step-mother, a step-brother, and half-sisters. She lives in an imaginary world, where pretend events happened, and reality is arbitrary. I understand this. Her natural mother chose to go on without her, abandoned her, and she is still looking for that connection. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I honestly believe that things could have turned out differently, and I see now that I could have made different choices. It’s too late now, though, and my heart is closed to her. I cannot and will not emotionally invest myself like that with her again. She is dead to me. We have seen her perhaps three times in the past 6 years. I refused to go to her wedding (she married an older man after trying to live with her mother for a bit and her mother kicked her out), and I wouldn’t allow my children to go either. They were very confused about what was happening with her because they always considered her their sister and didn’t understand why she abandoned them. I have never spoken ill of her in front of anyone, but I did tell my husband that I am done with her.

For a long time I was furious, but now I think of it differently. If I had a cancerous tumor I would have it removed. She is a toxic person and I don’t need or want that in my life. I removed her as best I could from my daily life and thoughts, but she still creeps in and my heart breaks all over again, like now. I saved all of those clothes I found and gave them to the girls.

I wasn’t the best mother/guardian to her or for her, and she was not the best daughter/step-daughter to or for me.

Of course no one likes being reminded of major failures, and I just have to look at my own children to see how well I can do.

I think the really sad part of all this is that when she moved out our lives became less stressed, we grew closer, and were able to focus. I hate to say something like about another human being, but it’s true, and I know that she was able to focus on her life as well.

I truly hope she finds purpose and peace for herself as long as it doesn’t include me. I won’t go through that again. My life is too short and I can’t pretend to care about her anymore. If my kids want a relationship with her, fine, I would never try to dissuade them, and unfortunately they need to learn for themselves what she is all about.

Trying to move forward

April 27, 2010

Spring break for the girls was last week and hubby was home yesterday and I had this grand idea that I would be able to begin my therapy homework before my session tomorrow, but I am getting nowhere. There are two very loud voices inside. One says that nothing really happened and this is all bullshit, and the other says that we should simply get on with our life, the past is the past, because we are now in a safe and loving place. Last night I tried to purposely trigger myself to bring up something, but was unsuccessful. Today I am moving on autopilot and quite co-conscious with MomBot as we do our mommy/wifey things.

I’ve never felt such resistance before. Now that I am more aware and working toward a healthy, forseeable goal it’s frustrating to sense a wall has come up. Even as I type I’m feeling dizzy, getting tunnel vision and a headache, which all signal a switch coming. I am fighting it today and I’m sure I’ll be exhausted tonight.

My anxiety level is so much more manageable thanks to internal cooperation. It’s still a lot of work but it’s good to see positive progress there.

The most unsettling thing I’m experiencing is continued sexual self-injury while dissociated. It’s happening in my sleep, in the shower, and when I am alone for any length of time. It’s painful, shameful, and confusing. Often I become aware just as I’ve stopped and then I need to take care of myself so I can heal. I know the name and the age of the one who is doing it, and I’m beginning to understand why. Last night I was able to control it but it cost me 3 hours of much-needed sleep, with the one trying to do it crying and screaming in my head the entire time. We have discussed this in therapy but haven’t found any solutions yet. Perhaps last night’s experience will help to end it.

Nothing is triggering me either. I’m just numb. It could be because the girls were home for 10 days and I work very hard to stay focused around them, but I don’t know. I’m sure the fun will begin again soon.

Just thinking…

April 26, 2010

It really isn’t fair that I had to move my blog. I could have continued writing on the old one, but knowing that the abusers are reading it makes me too uncomfortable. At the same time, I’m in my 40’s and I shouldn’t give a crap. But…since I made the decision to start/continue blogging my anxiety level has gone way down. I guess it’s more important to feel free and safe to write what I want without the abusers knowing. I’ve also blocked any search engines and that makes me feel like I’m hiding the way I did as a child. You know, I really wish they would die so I could be rid of them. I wouldn’t have to worry about burying them either because last year they decided to donate their bodies to science (I have all of their paperwork). They feel that no one will visit their graves, which is probably true (especially in my case), and maybe someone can learn something from them since I apparently did not.

Little do they realize just how much I have learned from them. One of favorite sayings is, “Everything I know about parenting I learned from my parents. When I think about what they would have done I simply do the exact opposite.”.

Oh, I waste so much time with those pieces of crap. I’ve moved from depression and anxiety to anger and rage. My therapist says that is a good thing. I’m also not taking it out on the family, but recognizing where to direct my anger.

Okay, back to housework!

Hello!

April 26, 2010

Thanks for stopping by! This is where I moved my new blog to and I forgot how much time it takes to set everything up…grr…..

I’m tired, angry, and depressed…*sniff*