January 12, 2011

Everything is a secret.I can keep my secret, your secret forever. That’s why people confide in me. It’s not going anywhere. I think I know the secrets some people carry, but I’ll never tell. It’s like I’m psychic.

It’s important to be very aware of everything. I can’t miss anything or I might give myself away. I am really careful.

I am very smart and can converse on nearly any topic. It’s helpful to know a little or a lot about everything.

I work very hard to learn where everything begins. Sometimes if I know how it starts, or where it originally comes from I might be able to change it or turn it just a little in a different direction. I think I can change the past if I can go back far enough.

If you saw me I wouldn’t look like anyone special or important. I can blend right in and be the perfect anybody. Sometimes I think that if I push all of me very hard and believe and really feel like something, a wall, or a tree, then I can get inside it and be it.

I have a little voice that just dissipates the farther away it goes. Most people don’t hear it and there’s really no reason they would hear it anyway. It just says little things like “Thank you”, “Excuse me”, and “Yes, please” anymore. There’s not much more to say than that.


For Castorgirl

June 22, 2010

Hey! You were kind enough to do something for me, so here is my end of the bargain (not a bargain, really, I’m quite cheap!).

One name plate:

One baby sunflower:

And then it rained:

Thank you!

Forgot I had sewing class today

Forgot I had to cook dinner yesterday (kids reminded me)

Forgot to walk dogs

Forgot daughter had a concert a couple of nights ago

Forgot it was a holiday weekend

Forgot I had to volunteer at school

Forgot to eat again

Forgot to feed animals

Forgot to do my hair

Forgot I purchased several items at stores and on eBay until I came across receipts and items arrived in the mail

Remembered all the words to “Comfortably Numb”, “Call Me Irresponsible”, and “Artificial Flowers” while listening to my MP3 player (think there’s a connection?)

Remembered to take care of the birds

I’m trying to work with my various parts, but the resistance is very strong. I’ve tried writing, speaking out loud, speaking internally, having meetings, but it’s not working. It feels like a belligerent alter army is building inside to overthrow me. Two (or 4 or 10) can play at this game! My host army shall rise against them!

In other news I am doing better controlling my sexual self-injury, but it’s hard. I also received a call this morning from my GYN and I do have an infection, so that could be contributing to the itchy, painful feelings. So, if you do sexually self-injure, be sure it is not connected with an infection. It can be a physical as well as a psychological problem.

I am secluding myself again, too. One person I had hoped to get to know better is just using me as a sounding board to tell me her problems. So much for trying to reach out a little again. No more.

Hubby isn’t listening to me, either. Last night I was able to have a serious conversation with him and his full attention, but that was the first time in many, many days. He (and the kids) just tune me out and interrupt me most of the time. I thought I was being hypersensitive, so I kept track and they really are doing it a lot.

I was wondering………I feel I don’t have as much internal control lately and go from being very depressed to running around like a freakazoid, to crying during movies or shows, to singing and dancing along with my MP3 player, to disappointment and apathy with everything, etc.. Could that be a result of alters popping up and my not having the control over it that I felt I had a couple of weeks ago? The more difficult work we do in therapy the worse this gets. I don’t understand how I can live while trying to manage everything. I don’t understand how some of you do it. It feels overwhelming. Too much stuff. I don’t understand how I made it this far.

I’m going to try and so some work with my rebellious alter army for a bit.

Have a safe and pleasant holiday weekend you Americans. Anything special going on down under?

Side Effects

May 13, 2010

Lookie! It’s 1:20am again! At least my insomnia is consistent.

The insomnia began in earnest when the dosage of Abilify and Trileptal were increased last week. These medications seem to be helping, so I don’t want to stop them, and when I do go back to bed in an hour or so I fall right asleep. Both Abilify and Trileptal share similar side effects such as – dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, trouble sleeping (who would have thought?), fatigue, and constipation. At the same time they make one sleepy, and falling asleep at first is no problem. Waking up at this time, which always happens to be 3&1/2 after I go to bed, is not really a problem. It feels okay and I can get things such as dishes or crocheting done.

I was thinking about how DID is a possible side effect of chronic and pervasive child sexual abuse and neglect. Wouldn’t it be nice if we came with warning labels? Human infants are used to propagate the species. Use as directed. May be taken with or without food. The success of human infants are based on your medical condition and response to the infant. To reduce the risk of side effects the infant must be treated with unconditional love, acceptance, and nurturing. Use as directed. Possible side effects if infant is not taken care of properly are loss of sense of self, inability to establish successful relationships, mental and sexual disorders, fragmentation of the self, inability to trust among other side effects too numerous to list in this blog.

At first I wanted to write about the effects of child sexual abuse and neglect but so much has already been written. The left panel of this page is replete with excellent information on that. The only thing to add would be my personal story, but it’s so similar to millions of other stories that I feel mine would be lost among them. That doesn’t bother me but I wish I could add something new or fresh, something that would make a difference, something that would make you stop and say “Ah. She has a point there.”.

While I wade through the potential side effects of prolonged abuse I feel that all I have to offer is an example of what not to do with a child. I was hoping to be a little more, like the person who cures cancer, or the first person on Mars. I do believe I am creating a positive situation with the way I raise my children, but it doesn’t feel like that is enough sometimes.

Here is a corny analogy: I wanted to make a splash in this world, but I’m only able to start a ripple. That is closer to how I feel.

Now I feel sleepy again so I’ll mosey on up to bed. Toodles.

A new era dawns

April 30, 2010

Tonight I start taking Trileptal and Abilify. Tomorrow all of my complex-PTSD symptoms will be gone, I will be completely and happily integrated, and my abusers will spend the rest of their miserable lives in jail.


Oh, I forgot about world peace, lions and lambs hanging out together, and no more poverty, etc. for good measure.


April 26, 2010

Thanks for stopping by! This is where I moved my new blog to and I forgot how much time it takes to set everything up…grr…..

I’m tired, angry, and depressed…*sniff*