Fading Out for a Bit
September 2, 2011
The past several months have been very difficult to live and work through. I feel like I haven’t found the support in blog world or in real life that I’ve needed lately. I don’t even know what kind of support I’m expecting. I feel I tried to reach out for help or advice and I wasn’t understood. I think my choice of words didn’t convey what I was feeling properly, either. I don’t seem to be getting across how I feel in therapy, and I’ve only been able to see her twice since summer began. That is my own fault and I blame myself for being screwy and misunderstood.
I am in a better place than I was two years ago.
I’m angry at the world and at myself.
Time slips away and I’m unable to use it effectively.
All my energy is focused on my family making it through the day safely and intact. They are fine, but that’s because I make sure they are.
I have no focus and no purpose. I’ve lost interest in my hobbies and I don’t have any time for them anyway.
There is no time to make time. It’s all accounted for.
Things I hate:
My parents (Die already, you fucking assholes!)
My life
My thoughts
My body
Food
Sex
Time
People in my community
People in general
Responsibility
The Internet
Television
Telephone
My in-laws
Money
Sleep
Anxiety
Love
Memories
Universe
Mental health
Hope
Truth
Optimism
News
I’m going to lay low again for a while. Life is punishment. I feel I’m being punished for surviving child sexual abuse. I feel my only purpose now is to see my own children live safe and free. My life has little meaning for me and I don’t see the reason for giving it a purpose. Two years I’ve been actively trying to make and find my life, not in a selfish way, but trying to integrate myself internally and externally. I have the diagnosis and the tools and the desire, but I feel the Universe just pushes me back into a box where I am a mom and wife and that’s it.
Things go much more smoothly when I play mom and wife. If a DID issue arises I deal with it and get back to mom and wife. When I try to find my purpose, or try new things bad things happen or get complicated.
I’m not going to try anymore to find myself or be more than I am for now. It’s depressing, tiring, and it unravels all the mommy and wife work I’ve done. It feels like the Universe wants me in a box for now and I’m willing to be there. I’m not a hero, I don’t have the strength to fight constantly, and I have no reason or purpose that I understand.
If this makes no sense to anyone, I’m sorry. This isn’t a pity party. I’m just giving up for now. I can’t find inspiration in myself or from others and I’m tired. Maybe things will start looking up this fall. Rose is tired of roaring.