It’s hard to be an adult and take new steps in DID Land.

It’s really difficult when you realize that your life is a result of survival techniques.

It’s discouraging to look in the mirror and see someone all grown up and no clue about who or what you are.

It’s scary to think about how you need to make new pathways, inside and out, when half of your life is already over.

It’s depressing when you know you need to learn all over again what it means to be a human being.

It makes me want to hurt myself and break things.

It makes me want to end everything for good.

It makes me want to hide.

It does not revitalize me.

I do not want to live life to the fullest because I have no concept of what life is.

I know now I’ve been surviving day-to-day and thinking about the future is very abstract and difficult to comprehend. I’m not even sure if I’ve taken any productive steps in this process yet. All I know is that I’m scared, I feel defenseless, I’m disconnected, and I don’t know what to say or do. I wish someone would tell me what to do. Why does DID have no clear paths? Make my own path? What the fuck is that all about? I’ve never heard of such a thing! I have no fucking idea what to do right now. Try new coping skills? I’ve worked really hard and practiced that and it isn’t working. I’m committed to getting better and I’m going nowhere. I don’t understand how this gets better. I’m supposed to give it time, time, time and what? Wait for a magical moment?

I won’t even write about the shit that’s going on around me. This is how I feel now and how I’ve been feeling for some time. This is so fucked up. I don’t expect comments on this stupid rant. I just wanted to write something out while I have a few minutes.

Perhaps unwise…

July 27, 2010

I have been trying to trigger myself until I finally feel something. Then perhaps I will have something interesting to post.

Look at My New Ring!

July 24, 2010

I ordered this last week and received it in the mail today:

I put it right on, too. What do you think? How would you feel about wearing a ring like this?

It’s difficult to fall asleep lately. As soon as I hit the pillow I wonder if I’ll wake up in the morning. So, I have to make sure I can feel my heart beating  all night, if possible. Then night terrors – cannot feel my heart beating, panicking, sweating, trying to breathe – it’s been less than half-an-hour. I rearrange the pillows, leave my glasses on and feel for fuzzy animals. I wake up in a sweat, can’t breathe, panicking, etc. It’s been 17 minutes. This goes on for much of the night.

During the day the kids don’t leave me alone. Mommy Time has become Let’s Make Sure Mommy is Okay During Mommy Time. I’m never alone. No time to do therapy homework, read, do internal work, journal, or process the body memories that are beating me up.

During this crap, Bobby Darin’s version of “Call Me Irresponsible” has been playing over and over in my head. I adore Bobby Darin ever since I heard “Splish Splash” on Happy Days when I was a kid. Now I own every song of his I can get my greedy little hands on. “Call Me Irresponsible” is a good dissociation and perhaps DID song:

Call me irresponsible – call me unreliable
Throw in undependable too
Do my foolish alibis bore you
Well I’m not too clever – I just adore you

Call me unpredictable – tell me I’m impractical
Rainbows I’m inclined to pursue
Call me irresponsible – yes I’m unreliable
But it’s undeniably true – I’m irresponsibly mad for you

Hubby is a prick, as I expect him to be in the summer, but it’s wearing on me.

In therapy today I tried to talk about my mother trying to kill me, hubby the prick, body memories, night terrors, and no time for anything. She said this is probably the time to focus on coping. I feel I have coped enough. I think it is time for bazookas and Howitzers. I feel it is time to be rid of everyone who has, and or is, pissing me off at this time (children being the exception). She feels this is the time to tame my anger a bit until it can be released in a more constructive way. I think I need to invest in the illegal arms trade and get me some scud missiles. I also think I may be VERY overtired. However…..being both DID and bipolar does give me an alibi for just about anything……..

This rant was brought to you by severe child abuse and neglect. Remember – children are our future, so stomp on them and grind them into the dirt until they have no concept of who or what they are.

I hate My Little Pony, so I thought this was funny. I hope you like it, too.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rebeccae/my-little-pony-for-geeks

 

Brutal, brutalized…punch, kick…choke, push…these memories that I should not have beat me up over and over. Until I know whose memories they are and have some semblance of what they are they just ride in on huge, brutal waves. I know you know what I mean, and I know it happens to you.

Last night I started on Geodon. Part of the patient information says that it may help me think more clearly, concentrate, and ease psychotic symptoms. So, they have found a fucking cure? Wow! I can’t wait! If I survive this latest round of side effects it’s so long DIDers! I’m off to HappyLand and the bus is full, baby.

It was going so well. I was getting a grip, eating better, exercising… This is what I always fear. Why get my hopes up if I have to battle through this again and again and again? Why bother anything? My therapist gets rich. My psychiatrist gets rich. I live through brutal emotional and psychological beatings from which there is a chance I may live a better life. Well, at my age it doesn’t seem like that “chance” is worth this crap. I’ll keep going because I don’t know what else to do, and I’ll keep ranting about it because I don’t know what else to do.

You can all come with me to HappyLand. I was just kidding about the bus being full. Bring your own snacks, though.

Last week there was another meltdown at the therapist’s office. It wasn’t quite as bad as the previous one, but bad enough. She seems to be very concerned about my sexual self-injury (golly, I don’t know why…) and I lost it. I really don’t completely understand why I do it, but now I have some ideas and I walked out armed with some things I could do to try and stop or ease it. If anyone is interested I will write more about why I think I do it and the suggestions she came up with. If anyone would feel safer if I wrote it in an e-mail, please feel free to write to me at annerose0@gmail.com.(That’s a zero after annerose, by the way.)

I wanted to discuss my mother and how & why she’s trying to kill me (or if it’s all in my imagination), hubby’s lack of interest in anything I say, do, or feel, why WordPress takes so long to friggin’ load sometimes, why I’m afraid I’ll explode in front of the kids and how to manage that, etc., but no. I wonder if I walk in on Meltdown Mode she tries to get me to open up on subjects she feels are relevant, and not what I have written down.

There is virtually no communication internally now because I just don’t give a shit. Thoughts and images pop up and I just deal with them and use my coping techniques. I’m remembering some nasty shit, though, and the night terrors have returned. The days go by so quickly, I lose time, and I don’t care. Oh well. It could all change soon. I think that’s what is fun about DID – you just never know anything.

I wish I could post something…..but every time I sit down at this particular computer children come out of the woodwork and my Cease and Desist Ray has no effect on them (I think they have built up a resistance). Hubby has an annoying habit of late of needing me IMMEDIATELY AT ALL TIMES. Even now a charming cherub of a child will not let me be alone. So, I am officially ending summer on Monday. That’s it. I’m done. This is what they look like:

I’m really trying…

July 14, 2010

If I relax, I remember. If I do yoga or Tai Chi, I focus.

If I allow negative thoughts I beat myself up. If I change or rewrite those thoughts I am positively thinking.

If I do not “turn down” my Emotional Flashback Machine with my Coping Skills Toolbox I lose my time. If I use the Toolbox I have more time with my children, my hobbies and myself.

If I do not communicate internally I do not understand my thoughts. If I take the few moments to understand and listen inside I am healing.

I am really, really trying to help myself, but I’m not happy about it. I have more energy lately because I’m mad and I’m trying to focus that energy positively and for the purpose of living well. It’s working this week, but then I forget other things that need to get done around here, so I feel guilty. Oh woe is I! Not really.

Today is Falzar the Mighty Baby Robin’s last day in the house. This is a good thing because Falzar has turned one room into a pooping palace. Falzar will most likely return here several times a day for up to one month for food, like they would with their natural parents, and we are preparing for that. Our biggest problem is my cat, Julius the Amazing Leaping Bird-Catcher Extraordinaire. It’s his hobby to try and catch birds in mid-air. I’ve tried to discourage this behavior, but with little success. I feel we have two options: attach the nest to a nearby tree where Julius rarely wanders and is near the house, or chain Julius to a chair. *sigh*

Today is also the day I reach my full basic dosage of Trileptal. Huzzah! I’m feeling loopy, I’m still not sure if it’s going to work, but I have been very good and taken it the right way since I started. Usually I give up or take it my way, but I’m giving this medication a chance. I think it’s because I like my psychiatrist and this is the same medication for both bipolar disorder and DID. So even if my therapist and psychiatrist disagree with my diagnosis a tad the medicines are the same for both. Thus far I would recommend Trileptal. Little to no weight gain and fairly easy-to-handle side effects.

Well, I’ve made little to no point whatsoever with this post, so I’ll get back to whatever it was I was doing. Here’s a funny picture for you:

My son found a baby robin on Wednesday and we armed ourselves with information and he is raising Falzar (a character from the MegaMan video games) until it’s ready to be on it’s own. Here is Falzar:

He is taking such wonderful care of Falzar that it makes me proud to see what a caring, compassionate kid I made. It reminds me (at least today) that I have done some good in this world.