My first 8 months

October 13, 2010

Recently I began to use the term “littles”. I have been avoiding that word because then I would actually be relating to other DID folk and would no longer consider myself special or unique. It would mean that there are other people out there with similar consequences to similar experiences. It may even mean that I actually exist, which I haven’t believed for most of my life.

If I admit  that there are little girls inside that chatter, play, scream and need hugs then I need to realize I was terribly abused and these beautiful girls came out and took the damage. They made sure I was able to continue living.

I don’t feel guilty that I, the host, was not there. I feel guilty because all this time I have been holding up the curtain and it’s time to let it fall and clean up backstage.

So, I have littles. I have a young man who is awesome at video games, especially arcade games. I have a New Age hippie who sometimes wants to know if I will getting any pot soon. I have more alters than I know, and I have a very dark place, way in the back, where there are even more.

I few days ago I wrote some prose for everyone and it is having an interesting effect inside.

All of these memories I have happened to this one body.
This one body experienced the abuse and trauma.
We are all connected within this one body.
We own these memories.
We own these experiences.
This is our physical body.
These are our collective memories.

That’s it. Nothing memorable. There has been a bit of shuffling inside as a result of it, though. I also felt okay talking about littles and alters in therapy today.

I talk about being DID, but I don’t feel that I could possibly be DID.

I understand we go back and forth with this diagnosis. I feel I have been “playing” DID until recently, and I didn’t want to write about this because I didn’t want people to lose hope or trust in me. Meredith is right about the first year (Damn her! :p) being so difficult and unbelievable. I had no idea. It’s a confusing maze and I don’t know which way to turn.

I’m not sure I’m even making sense.


Thank you for the well wishes! That was sweet.

My surgery wasn’t what anyone expected. Sometimes I think that doctors don’t tell you everything because then you would never have the surgery done in the first place. Anyhoo…what happened was extremely triggering and I can’t write about it, but it was necessary and I’ll work through it. I’m trying to focus on healing from this physical present trauma so we can be healthy enough to move on mentally and psychologically.

Yesterday I was resting and playing with my Netflix-streaming PS3 and I found a show called “Obsessed”. Has anyone heard of this or watched it? I watched one episode and I liked it, but I felt the 3-month super-intervention-now-you’re-healed was too good to be true. I was very happy for the people it helped, but I wish they could have said whether or not these people continued with therapy or had a relapse.

Hmmm…what else……narcotic painkillers rock. Sometimes Saltine crackers are the greatest food on Earth. Chocolate and peanut butter ice cream could quite possibly bring about world peace and stop global warming.

Tai recommended a web site: and I posted a question concerning the outcome of my surgery. I’d like to post it here as well, and if anyone has information, or can point me in the right direction that would be great. So far my searches have brought up very technical information, and I can’t get to a library for some time.  the title of my post is “Surprise uterine suspension” and here is my question:

“Tuesday (Sept. 28, 2010) I had a 2-for-1 surgery. A lap for what we thought was more endo and/or ovarian cysts, and a TVTO for incontinence. I came home with a uterine suspension and I feel a little lost. It wasn’t expected, and I know the surgeon wouldn’t know exactly what was going on until he got in there, but I don’t even know what questions to ask about it.

I can already feel a difference (back pain virtually gone, no more running to the bathroom and no accidents yet), but the 3-6 month recovery really caught me by surprise. I’m a SAHM, 43 years old, and do most of the housework. We are assigning new chores to the kids and rearranging the kitchen quick so I can cook.

I did a search on this site for “uterine suspension” and “prolapsed uterus” but found just a smidgen of info, which was helpful, but several of the recommended links no longer exist and the last post was from 2002.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Are there specific questions I should be asking my doctor? Is there anyone who could tell me about the long-term effects?

Any information is greatly appreciated. Thanks.”

Back to bed to rest for a bit.

Thank you for:

Reading about my obsessive desire to be “cured” of DID.

Offering the most amazing ideas, solutions, and techniques for trying to survive.

Being the most patient group of souls with my cockamamie posts.

Showing me that I really, really am not alone with this.

Not triggering me. That may sound weird, but I mean that. I’ve seen other posts or comments which do that without warning.

Commenting on posts I didn’t know I had written.

Making me feel welcome with a disorder many people do not believe in.

Putting me back on track sometimes.

Referring me to different sources for information or inspiration.

Sometimes I wish we lived closer and we could physically support each other, but I wonder if the Internet is a better way to do that. I can pop over to the computer, write or read a post, and not feel obligated at all. I feel that much of my life was feeling obligated to do certain things and within this community I don’t have to. There is no pressure to be anything than myself and ask annoying, repetitive  questions.

There is a lot more I want to say, but I’m feeling funny (I don’t know why. I’m not used to feeling much of anything.). I’m not leaving but I felt it was necessary to write how much I appreciate you, your comments, your own posts, and your ability to support even when you’re not in the best way.

Now to find a relevant picture….be right back…..

Oh! That’s perfect! Have a pleasant weekend!