A couple of incredibly important Tuesday happenings here:

1: R. Lee Ermy hangin’ with his real buddies (thanks to my youngest daughter):

 

2: My road went bye-bye this morning:

 

No school for the next two days. I’m hoping that the inevitable distractions my children provide will prevent the panic attacks that have been plaguing me. That, and I get to play with R. Lee and the Barbies, too. He is my doll after all (he autographed the box for me and everything!). I will NOT let her play with my 30th anniversary original Star Trek Barbie collection! I’m hoping those will help pay for college someday.

I called my therapist last night concerning these panic attacks which accompany a new person inside. This inside guy is angry, threatening, scaring myself and younger ones, and wreaking havoc in general. I’m not entirely sure if he is the cause of the panic attacks, or if there is a trigger I’m missing here. Just talking to my therapist helped me sleep last night. I’m sure I won’t be able to see her this week because of this snowstorm. She wants me to work on distracting myself until my psychiatrist calls and see if that helps with the panic crap.

Take care of yourselves.

 

Advertisements

Who needs a title?

December 15, 2010

This holiday season is hard. Like a cement wall hard. Like sure, it can be broken down and the little rocks can be dealt with somehow, but it’s really hard to break through that wall. It’s honestly a comfort to realize that I’m not alone in this, and at the same time I feel bad for us, too.

So, some things to do when the holidays totally suck and nobody gets it:

1. Rewrite holiday songs and sing them softly around people or teach them to your kids. (“I’m dreaming of being more co-conscious. With every switch that I might make…”)

2. Create Calvin and Hobbes snowpeople: http://www.chase3000.com/userpages/calvinhobbes/

3. Buy those $1 christmas craft sets and make some. You can burn them or smash them later.

4. Rewrite holiday stories. I recommend Santa as the world’s greatest ninja. Or Rudolf with an Uzi.

5. Buy lots of bagels, cut them in half, and cover with peanut butter and seeds. Then hang them out for the birds – off of your porch, in trees, on fences…

6. Color your hair (Nice-n-Easy is fairly inexpensive and works really well).

7. Plan a “Godzilla” movie marathon. Really bad kung-fu movies are fun, too. Do it MST3K style for added coping fun.

8. Send yourself a card (I know, I know…I got that from Mr. Bean…).

9. Make a favorite old recipe you haven’t made in a while, or ask someone to help you, if you want. Here’s one of mine:

Lemon Bread

6 tbl. margarine
1 c. sugar
2 eggs
grated rind of 1 lemon
1/2 c. milk
1 1/2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking powder

Topping

3 tbl. sugar
juice of 1 lemon

Cream margarine and sugar. Beat in eggs and lemon rind. Combine dry ingredients and add alternately with milk.
Pour batter in 9×5 loaf pan and let sit for 20 min. before baking.
Bake at 350 degrees F. for about one hour, or until toothpick comes out clean.
Mix sugar and lemon juice and pour over loaf while hot.
Store one day before slicing.

10. Find a rock or make a snowball. Imagine all of your frustration, pain, and negative feelings going into it. Throw it as hard and as far as you can.

11. Buy a big, mushy stuffed animal.

12. Hang some apples in a wooded area where you know deer pass through.

 

That’s all I can think of right now. I’ve been mixing up songs and stories for a couple of weeks now which has been fun. I’m also baking and cooking really delicious and unhealthy stuff.  Not every day, but enough to make it feel comforting inside and outside.

I want to make it through the next few weeks okay. So far it’s not going well, but I’m working on it. I think that if I’m careful and aware I will squeak by with minimal damage. There is nothing I can write to describe how it feels because you already understand, and that means so much.

There is a lot of noise inside. There are a lot of new images, feelings, and emotions. There is a lot of Xanax in my medicine cabinet. It’s messy inside and it’s a lot of work trying to take care of it. As soon as my attention wavers anywhere but inside things get worse and it’s just cope, cope until I can be alone and straighten things out a bit. I have tried everything on the list I wrote and they do help, especially re-imagining songs and stories.

That’s all for now. Therapy has completely fried me for the rest of the day. I am however, going to bake sugar cookies shortly and eat some dough.

my brain is melting

October 12, 2010

(To the tune of Monty Python’s “Lumberjack Song”)

Oh…..I am DID and I don’t care
I might be here or I might be there

I jump and skip
Or go to work
And take my medication

My therapist reassures me
There’s at least 1% in the nation!

(You can stop now.)

I’m bored and restless…..a dangerous combination…..

A water main broke and the kids are being dismissed early from school…like now. I baked them a cake, but little do they know that I have walked around the house and found many, many jobs for them. Mwa-ha-ha! So much for a day off, my little minions!

Tomorrow is the Therapy Festival! I get to go and revel in my confused and twisted view of reality until my therapist says, “Are you okay to drive?”. Ah, what fun we’ll have… We will talk about flashbacks, body memories, littles, nightmares, night terrors and extreme anxiety. I’ll cry and pretend I’m actually getting something out of this and go home and fake my way through parenting and other family obligations. But…if they don’t fix the water main the kids could be home tomorrow, too. I just thought of that. Oh well. I’ll figure something out.

Sometimes I wish I still drank alcohol. It washed so much of this shit away along with my brain cells. If I drank enough perhaps it could wash away ALL of my brain cells…. nah. It’s been nearly 1&1/2 years since I drank.

Oh god. I need to find something to occupy my brain today! Can you imagine what it would be like if I stayed here, typing on the computer all day? You poor, poor people. You would be sucked into my black hole of incomprehensibility. I won’t do that to you, though, as tempting as that is. Consider yourselves lucky……this time……

Everybody now…..

August 30, 2010

(everyone together now…)

‘Round and ’round the anxiety bush, anxiety bush, anxiety bush!

‘Round and ’round the anxiety bush

So early in the morning!

Your heart will race, your breathing is shallow, breathing is shallow, breathing is shallow

Your heart will race, your breathing is shallow

So early in the morning!

(okay, you can stop now)

The faster I fall, the quicker I’m coping with skills I had forgotten I learned. If only it wasn’t happening so fast. It feels like as each memory, flashback, panic, or anxiety attack begins an invisible hand reaches out to help. The invisible hands may have soothing words, a blanket, a cold or hot drink, or a Xanax, or simply a pillow to collapse on. It is exhausting going through this day in and day out. Boy, you have ONE allergic reaction and anxiety attack in a clinic under safe, supportive surroundings and your brain thinks it can do it over and over – yeesh!

This September will be my six month DID diagnosis monthaversary and I have decided to skip to the end. My brain is arguing with my obvious flawless decision, but I’m sure it will come around (yeah right!).

I hate My Little Pony, so I thought this was funny. I hope you like it, too.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rebeccae/my-little-pony-for-geeks

 

I wish I could post something…..but every time I sit down at this particular computer children come out of the woodwork and my Cease and Desist Ray has no effect on them (I think they have built up a resistance). Hubby has an annoying habit of late of needing me IMMEDIATELY AT ALL TIMES. Even now a charming cherub of a child will not let me be alone. So, I am officially ending summer on Monday. That’s it. I’m done. This is what they look like:

I’m really trying…

July 14, 2010

If I relax, I remember. If I do yoga or Tai Chi, I focus.

If I allow negative thoughts I beat myself up. If I change or rewrite those thoughts I am positively thinking.

If I do not “turn down” my Emotional Flashback Machine with my Coping Skills Toolbox I lose my time. If I use the Toolbox I have more time with my children, my hobbies and myself.

If I do not communicate internally I do not understand my thoughts. If I take the few moments to understand and listen inside I am healing.

I am really, really trying to help myself, but I’m not happy about it. I have more energy lately because I’m mad and I’m trying to focus that energy positively and for the purpose of living well. It’s working this week, but then I forget other things that need to get done around here, so I feel guilty. Oh woe is I! Not really.

Today is Falzar the Mighty Baby Robin’s last day in the house. This is a good thing because Falzar has turned one room into a pooping palace. Falzar will most likely return here several times a day for up to one month for food, like they would with their natural parents, and we are preparing for that. Our biggest problem is my cat, Julius the Amazing Leaping Bird-Catcher Extraordinaire. It’s his hobby to try and catch birds in mid-air. I’ve tried to discourage this behavior, but with little success. I feel we have two options: attach the nest to a nearby tree where Julius rarely wanders and is near the house, or chain Julius to a chair. *sigh*

Today is also the day I reach my full basic dosage of Trileptal. Huzzah! I’m feeling loopy, I’m still not sure if it’s going to work, but I have been very good and taken it the right way since I started. Usually I give up or take it my way, but I’m giving this medication a chance. I think it’s because I like my psychiatrist and this is the same medication for both bipolar disorder and DID. So even if my therapist and psychiatrist disagree with my diagnosis a tad the medicines are the same for both. Thus far I would recommend Trileptal. Little to no weight gain and fairly easy-to-handle side effects.

Well, I’ve made little to no point whatsoever with this post, so I’ll get back to whatever it was I was doing. Here’s a funny picture for you:

…my husband was more like the Stepford wives

…all coffee tasted as nice as Dunkin’ Dark

…Dunkin’ Dark wasn’t so expensive

…clothing was guaranteed always-ironed, all-the-time

…dogs were the sweetest-smelling creatures ever

…thinking about exercising was good enough

…I had a Time Manipulator Ray Gun

…there was enough food to feed teenagers

…arthritis actually meant “Your body will only become stronger over time.”

…crocheting and knitting went faster

…my imaginary telekinetic powers were real

…one of my alters was a superhero that looked like this picture below (my hair is red, too) and was known as Dissociative Identity Disorder Woman (DIDW for short). She would roam the world offering support and assistance to DIDer’s everywhere and slay the causes of their DID. The people would shout, “Look! It’s a wounded bird! No, it’s a woman with an inconceivably large weapon! Wait! It’s Dissociative Identity Disorder Woman and her Lance of Therapeutic Value!” (DIDW and her LOTV for short)

Okay. That’s enough. I have to get to work.