I’m really trying…

July 14, 2010

If I relax, I remember. If I do yoga or Tai Chi, I focus.

If I allow negative thoughts I beat myself up. If I change or rewrite those thoughts I am positively thinking.

If I do not “turn down” my Emotional Flashback Machine with my Coping Skills Toolbox I lose my time. If I use the Toolbox I have more time with my children, my hobbies and myself.

If I do not communicate internally I do not understand my thoughts. If I take the few moments to understand and listen inside I am healing.

I am really, really trying to help myself, but I’m not happy about it. I have more energy lately because I’m mad and I’m trying to focus that energy positively and for the purpose of living well. It’s working this week, but then I forget other things that need to get done around here, so I feel guilty. Oh woe is I! Not really.

Today is Falzar the Mighty Baby Robin’s last day in the house. This is a good thing because Falzar has turned one room into a pooping palace. Falzar will most likely return here several times a day for up to one month for food, like they would with their natural parents, and we are preparing for that. Our biggest problem is my cat, Julius the Amazing Leaping Bird-Catcher Extraordinaire. It’s his hobby to try and catch birds in mid-air. I’ve tried to discourage this behavior, but with little success. I feel we have two options: attach the nest to a nearby tree where Julius rarely wanders and is near the house, or chain Julius to a chair. *sigh*

Today is also the day I reach my full basic dosage of Trileptal. Huzzah! I’m feeling loopy, I’m still not sure if it’s going to work, but I have been very good and taken it the right way since I started. Usually I give up or take it my way, but I’m giving this medication a chance. I think it’s because I like my psychiatrist and this is the same medication for both bipolar disorder and DID. So even if my therapist and psychiatrist disagree with my diagnosis a tad the medicines are the same for both. Thus far I would recommend Trileptal. Little to no weight gain and fairly easy-to-handle side effects.

Well, I’ve made little to no point whatsoever with this post, so I’ll get back to whatever it was I was doing. Here’s a funny picture for you:

Side Effects

May 13, 2010

Lookie! It’s 1:20am again! At least my insomnia is consistent.

The insomnia began in earnest when the dosage of Abilify and Trileptal were increased last week. These medications seem to be helping, so I don’t want to stop them, and when I do go back to bed in an hour or so I fall right asleep. Both Abilify and Trileptal share similar side effects such as – dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, trouble sleeping (who would have thought?), fatigue, and constipation. At the same time they make one sleepy, and falling asleep at first is no problem. Waking up at this time, which always happens to be 3&1/2 after I go to bed, is not really a problem. It feels okay and I can get things such as dishes or crocheting done.

I was thinking about how DID is a possible side effect of chronic and pervasive child sexual abuse and neglect. Wouldn’t it be nice if we came with warning labels? Human infants are used to propagate the species. Use as directed. May be taken with or without food. The success of human infants are based on your medical condition and response to the infant. To reduce the risk of side effects the infant must be treated with unconditional love, acceptance, and nurturing. Use as directed. Possible side effects if infant is not taken care of properly are loss of sense of self, inability to establish successful relationships, mental and sexual disorders, fragmentation of the self, inability to trust among other side effects too numerous to list in this blog.

At first I wanted to write about the effects of child sexual abuse and neglect but so much has already been written. The left panel of this page is replete with excellent information on that. The only thing to add would be my personal story, but it’s so similar to millions of other stories that I feel mine would be lost among them. That doesn’t bother me but I wish I could add something new or fresh, something that would make a difference, something that would make you stop and say “Ah. She has a point there.”.

While I wade through the potential side effects of prolonged abuse I feel that all I have to offer is an example of what not to do with a child. I was hoping to be a little more, like the person who cures cancer, or the first person on Mars. I do believe I am creating a positive situation with the way I raise my children, but it doesn’t feel like that is enough sometimes.

Here is a corny analogy: I wanted to make a splash in this world, but I’m only able to start a ripple. That is closer to how I feel.

Now I feel sleepy again so I’ll mosey on up to bed. Toodles.

A new era dawns

April 30, 2010

Tonight I start taking Trileptal and Abilify. Tomorrow all of my complex-PTSD symptoms will be gone, I will be completely and happily integrated, and my abusers will spend the rest of their miserable lives in jail.


Oh, I forgot about world peace, lions and lambs hanging out together, and no more poverty, etc. for good measure.