So Many I’s, So Little We’s

May 26, 2010

I know what a flashback is.

I know what a body memory is.

I’m not entirely clear about switching. It happens/happened to me, but I don’t completely understand it the way longer-term DID folk speak of it.

I have a lot of trouble saying/writing the words “alter”, “littles”, “out”, “in”, “multiple”, “system”, “host”, “core”, “we”, “integration”. I know what they mean, but it’s difficult to assign those words to me.

I know what co-consciousness is because since I’ve learned what it means I realize that is the way I have lived much of my life.

I believe (for the most part) my DID diagnosis but I don’t feel like I fit in with other DIDer’s yet.

I used to laugh off Multiple Personality Disorder years ago. I thought the people were just acting. I no longer believe that, but I’m not sure what I truly believe. I also never believed I could have severe osteoarthritis at my age, but the x-rays show it. I wish x-rays could show DID.

I never dreamed that what I went through was severe, prolonged abuse which could have made me this way.

I am afraid that when I start confronting what made me DID the world will end as I know it, but that may be a good thing.


9 Responses to “So Many I’s, So Little We’s”

  1. Meredith Says:

    You know, you’re very right that the world as you thought you knew it is gone. But the one you are cultivating, right now, is infinitely better.

    I don’t know anyone–myself included–who can figure out how to adequately describe DID in a way which is understandable to outsiders, yet I read your posts and can empathize with my DID through your insights. Some of your posts about connecting with your innards surprise me–you deal in your own, unique way, and have been for years. YEARS. And… you have some great coping skills that are truly impressive. So know that, and collect 500 points for working it, girl

    I don’t know that I understand my DID any better today than I did 20 years ago. Some days are a big %^&* YOU! for me, I have to focus on healing, and I resent it. That’s the common denominator among all of us. We are coping with consequences of abuse in the quest to be whole. Sometimes it seems unfair because we didn’t create the messes that we are traumatized by. I think, though, each time we answer the call to simply SHOW UP to do the day, we DID folk are answering a higher call, and we are better for it. And… I believe that this is how we heal the Earth, one person at a time.

    For my part, I am thankful for every blog you post. I learn a lot from you, regardless of whether you think you have the full story, or not.

    Every day, in many, many ways, you bring energy, ambition, and fresh enthusiasm to light, and I am a better warrior for it. Being a seasoned warrior isn’t all that great. I feel the fatigue of too many years in therapy, disillusionment, and stuff that comes from doing the journaling, coloring, etc., day after day. Having your freshness, your humor, and the opportunity to revisit subjects I haven’t thought about for a long time is inspiring.

    Whatever you think you believe or know… will change. Hurrying up to have a complete view of the landscape doesn’t work. It really doesn’t. You know different things, not fewer things, and the things you know and share do heal your heart, do heal the hearts of people seeking understanding, and do give old war horses inspiration to continue to continue.

    I am grateful to you for sharing your journey.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you very much.

      Therapy was this morning and I came home to your reply. After both I’m guessing that the goal of healing is not to integrate, but communicate internally and live successfully as a DID person. I don’t want to integrate, but I do want to learn about my system, and lately they ain’t talkin’.

      Thank you also for reading and contributing to my blog and my life. I often take excerpts from your blog to therapy, and I still carry a quote in my purse.

      Tough week, inspiring comment, sick and tired blogger, much too hot and humid for May, general confusion and internal mayhem. One of the few things I look forward to are entries and/or comments by folk like yourself. Thanks again.

  2. Bee Says:

    I totally know what you mean. I was diagnosed a little over 4 years ago and I still have trouble saying and writing “alter”, “littles”, “integration”. I have found that making up words that are more personal to me help. For example, instead of calling my alters “alters”, I call them “splits”. It seems much more like me. I know of other multiples who say “parts” or “selves” etc. Try finding a word that is more personal to you and see if that helps.

    I just barely started feeling like I “fit in” with other multiples and I attribute that mostly to having a blog and reading other multiple’s blogs.

    I also thought my world would end if I found out what caused my DID. I have in no way remembered all the abuse and trauma, but I remember enough now that I know what caused my DID. When I first started having flashbacks, body memories, severe triggers, etc, I wanted to die or disappear or melt away or cease to exist. It was horrible and I couldn’t believe the things I was remembering. But after a while, you learn to accept it and you can take what you have remembered and start healing.

    I hope this helps. I know how hard it can be at times and its always nice to know you aren’t alone in all of this. Thank you for sharing this post!

    • roseroars Says:

      Back in March my therapist told me I caould call them anything I wanted, too, but I still can’t think of a good word. Snorglezites? Pleckfangs? See? I just haven’t found the right terms yet.

      I agree with you and reading and/or writing a blog. That has helped. If only you guys lived closer…..

      It is so hard to accept some of these memories. The ones I entered into therapy I accept, but the new ones……..Ach Mensch! When some new memories resurface the insiders will be screaming “Yes!”, and I will think “My, what an interesting imagination I have.”. It’s difficult to connect some repressed memories with me, I guess.

      Of course you help, silly girl! Thanks for reading my drivel.

  3. I can really relate to this post. I was diagnosed 14 years ago and I still have trouble with the term “alter”. I tend to prefer “parts”. I also feel like I’m so different to other multiples, mostly because I am pretty much always co-conscious and don’t lose time. I have come to understand recently that the way I made my system includes a process of memory sharing which prevents me from losing time and therefore aids in my day to day functioning. So I was really interested to read that you have been experiencing co-consciousness for most of your life.

    I also share your fear about big changes occurring as I heal. I guess there is comfort to be had in what’s familiar, and, although it can terrify me at times, I also think it might be a good thing. I hope!

    Apparently you can see DID with an MRI. I would love to be able to do that if I could afford it.


    • roseroars Says:

      I envy you for not losing time as often. Some days I would kill for a linear (or any kind of) memory.

      Being co-conscious most of my life was like walking and talking with the “inner critic”, “the smart one”, “the cook”, “the mom”, “the goofy girl”, “the British one”, etc.. Does that make sense? I used to walk around carrying on conversations with myself (I still do, but now I know why) and feeling the different responses and I thought that was normal and everyone did it but no one talked about it.

      The fear of change is why I feel I’m having so much resistance internally and I can’t rest. It’s even 2:28am here right now. I just go-go-go.

      Yes! I would LOVE to see DID like that!

      Thank you for commenting.

  4. castorgirl Says:

    The one thing I struggle with, is that there’s no “right” way to be DID. I’ve always thought that if there was a “right” way, then there is surely there’s a “quick and easy” fix. That’s my management brain trying to find some pattern or reason for behaviours and experiences that don’t seem to follow any pattern or reason.

    The way DID became our coping mechanism was individual to our experiences. That’s not to say that there won’t be any similarities or moments of “oh, I do that too…” But our system was created to cope with what we were facing. So, there are some people with DID that I identify with strongly, there are others I don’t… sort of like any random group of people 🙂 The thing is to learn from, identify with, and empathise with those you can.

    As for the terminology… I find it helpful in some situations, and in others I find it insulting. Try out variations to see what works for you. For some reason Monty Python terminology jumped into my head just then… random 🙂

    Take care,

    • roseroars Says:

      Ya know, I honestly thought as an anthropology major and a Jungian that there would be more similarities, more direct techniques, etc., since we all share and have the capacity for, the human experience. Does that make sense?

      Ooooo! Monty Python terminology! You have started the wheels turning, my dear……

      • meredith Says:

        There’s also Dr. Seuss terminology, which I have found to be helpful…
        Thing One and Things Two, for starters…WHOVILLE!

        As long as a doctor pens it, society seems to accept it.

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