Stupid, angry post

June 20, 2010

It feels like everything is a lie – me being here, my marriage, my life, my likes and dislikes, my children, my dogs. I don’t know who’s eyes I’m seeing out of but I don’t like it. I’m always ranting, too. Just one time I would like to offer up some intelligent and informative posts.

Today I remembered how I used to comfort myself when I was little and how ashamed I felt doing it, but I didn’t know what else to do. Sometimes when a memory comes through I remember how I used to remember. I don’t remember what I was doing 5 minutes ago lately.

I wish I wrote more intelligently and coherently. My brain just spills onto the computer anymore. I haven’t accomplished shit in this life. I don’t see what the purpose of me is, so one of the kids better win a Nobel Prize or something.

This summer is going to be a real challenge between not seeing my therapist as often, having little privacy or alone time with the kids home, and buffering the kids from the hubby’s stupidity. How will I write in my journals, or write here, or do therapy homework?

I want to write stupid, corny things like, “This is too much. I can’t go on this way.”, “I’m just going to stay the way I am. No more therapy.”, or “Goodbye world. Kids, fend for yourselves.”. But I don’t want to hear about how this too shall pass, I’ll get through, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, because I’ve heard that soooo many times and I think it’s shit. It’s not going to end, or it’s not going to end until I end it one way or another.

I have to go do something active and physical. Maybe that will help.

16 Responses to “Stupid, angry post”

  1. tai0316 Says:

    I’m not going to tell you there’s a light at the end of the tunnel because that’s not what you want right now. I will say that isn’t the reason we’re all blogging because we need to be able to express our honestly and without censoring? So you don’t have to be “profound” and informative, just be you. Right now you sound angry and confused and frustrated and everything esle, so be that way right here. That’s what this is for. And when you feel like being informative then be that way. If you feel like s&$# then feel like it here. Remember being “safe” like we talked about? This place is safe. Try not to borrow trouble and freak yourself out about what’s coming in the future. You have this space and this place and even if you only get a few moments to be here, it will be here and so will we. We’ve never met but I care about you. Be as “corny” as you wanna be 🙂

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you. We watched two Eddie Izzard DVDs and I laughed a bit, which kept me from crying and throwing things.

      • meredith Says:

        Smart call, woman. The Iz has my biz, too.

        (but this, too, shall pass….)

      • roseroars Says:

        Okay, Meredith…..

        1) We consider Eddie to be an analgesic painkiller. I can’t wait for “Stripped” to come out in the US

        2) Cliches have been BANNED from this post!

        3) I have chosen to forgive you……..this time…..

      • meredith Says:

        Even if the cliches are a twisted reference to switching? Oh….

        Okay. 🙂

      • castorgirl Says:

        On an Eddie Izzard note, have you seen the Death Star canteen in Lego???

      • castorgirl Says:

        grr would help if I could get my html right… try this… Death Star canteen in Lego

      • roseroars Says:

        Oh yeah! The kids LOVED that one! That’s the first DVD we watched that day – “Circle”, then we had to go to the computer and watch the Lego skit.

        I wish the Lego dude made one about the computer/printer skit at the end of “Glorious”.

  2. Bee Says:

    Just be yourself in your writing. That is what will help you. I know what you mean by wanting to write these amazing and profound and intelligent posts, but that’s not what this “blogging world” is for. it’s for expressing how you feel and conveying what you believe.

    Whenever I am around people constantly, I find those few places where I can be alone – even just for a few minutes – to write or to ground myself. Say you have to use the restroom and take a few minutes behind the locked door of the bathroom to collect yourself. Even though I am terrified of baths, I will sometimes take a bath just to have time to write without interruption. I often stay up very late at night just to have time to myself. You will find ways to be alone so you can work through things.

    I hope things work out for you.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you very much. I’d like to stay up late, but I’m not a young whippersnapper like yourself anymore!

  3. Hi, as others have said, this blog is for you and you have the freedom to be whatever you need to be when you post. Sometimes you just need to have a rant, and that’s okay. Personally, I like the honesty. Informative blogs can be helpful, but mostly I read blogs to know that I’m not alone. In this post you talk about things that I can relate to and that is helpful to me, so I thank you for sharing.

    Sometimes I wish I had all my time to myself so that I could journal and do my homework and let alters have plenty of body time, as well as enjoy things for myself and get some sleep! But then I remember that I used to have that and I was so lonely and my life was so empty. Now I have kids and they take so much time and energy, but they also inspire me to keep on going; they give me a damn good reason to push through the hard times. I know it’s frustrating when you can’t get time to yourself. If you can’t post as frequently for a while, that’s okay, we’ll still be here.

    Hoping I haven’t said anything that you’re not wanting to hear right now.


    • roseroars Says:

      I was just thinking about that last night – the kid time vs. alone time. My oldest is 17, and youngest is 9, so they are all in school most of the year. I thought I’d be lonely so I’ve been volunteering, but I found that it made me distrust and dislike people even more so I’m not doing it next year. I think I’d rather be lonely than put myself out there just to be taken advantage of or listen to stupid gossip. No one has tried to befriend me anyway, which is fine.

      The kids were always a good reason to push through, but they are getting so self-sufficient and I am not as necessary anymore. I know it’s a teenage thing, but it still hurts. They don’t care about what I know or what I may have to offer. They do want me to teach them things, but all on their terms (which I don’t always agree to).

      I like sitting and watching the birds, playing a video game, cooking, crocheting, watching movies….I’ve stopped talking to my husband, too, and he hasn’t noticed. I just don’t get it.

      I did not mean to write so much shit. You never say anything that I wouldn’t want to hear. I think you’re wonderful. Thanks for writing.

      • tai0316 Says:

        A) husband’s are THICK some times
        B) you never write s$#t
        C) It’s cool to me that you do what I do: cook, play video games, I love birds and I knit (not crochet though)
        D) I don’t have kids but I know from my friends that are parents that, as you said it is a teenage thing (teenagers annoy me so much!) but they get over it and then you can have a really cool realtionship with them. Maybe you could channel the time you have while waiting for them to stop being all “teenagery” (yea I just made that up) and find another interest you haven’t explored yet? Don’t hate on me but I love Twilight lol! I was into it before it became cool so that makes me all stuck-up with the little screaming girls 🙂 I’m just saying, obsessing over things isn’t always bad if it’s entertaining…

      • roseroars Says:

        Ah…..a knitter, eh? I suck at knitting, but I still like to do it, especially circular knitting.

        I like your idea of channeling my frustration jives somewhere. That’s worth working on.

        I don’t hate you about the “Twilight” stuff, I simply pity you. Ha! I made a funny! It’s okay, dear, I’m a Star Trek fanatic, and I know absolutely everything (yeah, right!).

        Thank you.

  4. Lothlorien Says:

    (((sitting with you)))

  5. castorgirl Says:

    To reiterate what the others have said… this is YOUR space. That means you can do what you want here.

    Agreeing with the others about honesty too… I admire those that can be honest on their blogs. Information is great, but there’s a time for understanding the process, and there’s a time for doing it. Ranting is a vital part of healing… it releases all sorts of emotions that we weren’t allowed to show growing up… so ranting is AWESOME!!!

    Your children will still need you, even when they’re in their 40’s, 50’s etc. There’s a big difference between being self-sufficient within a loving household, and being self-sufficient because you have to be. There’s that safety net behind you when you’re loved.

    Take care,

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