Note to Self
March 22, 2011
There are many things I need to keep reminding myself of. Things such as:
*My opinion is not important
*I enjoy being interrupted mid-sentence since I couldn’t possibly have anything relevant or interesting to say
*I really do only exist to serve others (Bene Gesserit maybe? If you get this reference I’ll love you forever.)
*It’s not necessary that I have time to myself
*I must always be at the beck and call of others, and always within hearing range
*If anything should happen to me I must deal with it alone and unsupported
*Anything medical-related is my own problem and cannot inconvenience anyone else
*I am responsible for any and all negative happenings to anyone
*The only hobbies I need to have are those that benefit others in any way I can
*There is nothing I can do or say that have any worthwhile contribution in human society
If all you knew for years and years and years was abuse then you make decisions based on that experience. Can changes be made? Yes. Is it worth the pain, agony, misunderstanding, confusion, and anger to make those changes? Maybe. Do you need to reinforce those changes constantly? Yes. Does it ever end? I doubt it. Will you die frustrated and unfulfilled? Probably. Is this what life is all about? I have no fucking idea.
Rose Roars 
March 22, 2011 at 9:49 am
Ok, first off, Wow a Dune reference! He who controls the spice,controls the universe… 🙂
I hope that made you smile, I know Dune well.
Alright now on a serious note. Your note to self explains a lot and now I know what you were talking about the other day. Let me just say that being interrupted while I’m talking is one of the things that insults me the most. There are people who do it and I don’t mean people who are so excited to talk that they talk over each other. I mean people who are so selfish and uninterested in another person’s thoughts that they show this kind of insulting behavior. I’m really sorry that’s happening with you, it makes me want to pop someone for you.
It seems to me from reading this, that you know the ideas listed here aren’t right. However, people/family are forcing you to live life like these are the rules.
I’m going to focus on the end of your post where you talk about change being possible. It is possible. And, yes it does take a lot of work because you’re not just working with yourself, you’re trying to get other people to see that their behavior is hurtful and getting other people to change is a challenge, but I do think it can be done up to a point. I’ll come back to that. Absolutely reinforce those new ideas for your own benefit and to remind others that change is needed. Going back to the work involved and what you said about it ever ending. That’s where we have to have realistic expectations. Changing people is hard, but I know from personal experience that it can happen at least to the point where your needs are being met in a better way.
I had to do this with my husband when I was first diagnosed bipolar and thnigs started going downhill after several years. He was kind of mean actually because he wasn’t giving me the support I needed and he was expecting way too much from me and blaming me for stuff that wasn’t my fault, yelling etc. etc. Anyway, it took work and lots of tough conversations and honesty before he started to change, but he DID change. So, I believe that the people in your life, especially your household, can change so that they work with you and support you and from what I’m reading, they really need to learn RESPECT. It is highly disrespectful to treat you like this! They need a wake-up call about their behavior. The immature part of me says to go on strike and make yourself unavailable. Go do stuff you want to do and leave them flailing on their own and maybe they’ll get the message. But, I’m childish. I would also stick my tongue out at them.
March 22, 2011 at 10:12 am
Thanks, tai.
Okay…I love you forever! (I also knew if you read this you’d get it 😉 )
It is disrespectful and stupid, and we are constantly working on these things. It goes back-and-forth, everyone working together (NOT just for me, but for the good of all civilization), and then a major swing back.
For about three days I treated them the way they treat me and it was chaos, but they still did not understand. I became unavailable – more chaos. I’m using “I feel” statements, asking (gently) how they would feel if someone treated them that way, and nothing.
I feel I’m being whiny, but it’s so stressful. I just needed to write it out.
March 22, 2011 at 10:23 am
Darn it! You tried my tactic and it didn’t work! *furrowing brow*
You are NOT being whiny and I’m really glad you decided to write. I actually think that backslides can happen in this area, you just don’t want them sliding so far back that you lose all progress and have to start over with everyone. Ugh! At least you’re doing it the right way. You made me smile when you mention the “I feel” statements because that was a lesson from my therapist and I feel like someone is saying, “Use your indoor voice”.
Keep pouring out all of that frustration and anger right here and maybe an idea will occur to you while you write it out. OR we could try and find a sand worm to gobble up your family? Just kidding. I mean that in a nice way, honest…unless you like the idea…?
March 22, 2011 at 11:47 am
Ooooo….sandworms….yes…..No, wait. I want to eat too much melange and go spacey for a while.
The “I feel” statements usually work, but not this time.
March 22, 2011 at 11:10 am
It does get better. Life does become worth living in a way where you get to be in charge of your own boundaries… and for awhile, you feel like you’re living life in a Moroccan prison.
When “the time of testing” draws near it’s end, you know the worst has past. Then it’s disturbingly quiet for awhile because nothing is the same and everything feels confusing… but then you honestly start to feel better, stronger, and more certain it’s always worth it to do the work. It helps you to move on in ways you were previously blind to.
March 22, 2011 at 11:50 am
Thanks Meredith. I want to do the work and move forward, but I also want everyone inside and out to shut up and leave me alone and get off their own godamm asses.
The robins came back, though. That’s a nice thing. Maybe that robin we raised last summer will return, too.
March 22, 2011 at 12:49 pm
I totally understand wanting everyone to shut up. I’ve shouted it out in my sleep more than a few times, myself.
I used to do Kindergarten Roundup in my head when things got too crazy. Everyone had to stay in their safe place until I could find another “grownup” who knew the parts better than I did… sounds weird, but parts collect in groups and tend to know more about each other than the external world, so roundup was about finding who knew who… somehow… and trusting myself enough to show my therapist who my “peeps” were in relationship to each other. I didn’t necessarily have NAMES, but I cut out pictures from magazines as icons each part… and eventually I started to see patterns. It helped me to let Others help each other while I did World Shit like going to the laundromat.
What a squirrelly life.
March 22, 2011 at 11:32 am
All the “big deal” rules we make are usually old ways we first used to control the internal world, I think. I have the same code, all in all. It’s a bandage, though, for a wound that festers and never quite heals.
In some way or another, you have to revisit the scene, at some point, to retrieve your the part of you being held hostage. Then… then you can start to move forward. But understanding the problem requires many mini-missions… and I could only pull meaning and clarity from things I could understand at the time. For a long time, I made annual pilgrimages to retrieve “survivors and look at as much as I could stand without coming completely undone. I learned not to take in more than I could handle, though, because when I tried to resolve things that I wasn’t ready to understand, yet… I had to start from there the next visit.
March 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Ah Lisa, I talk myself in and out of those things you note on an hourly basis at times.
Onward and upward.
*hugs you*
March 23, 2011 at 8:36 am
Thank you, Grainne. Ever read the poem “Excelsior”? Part of what you wrote reminded me of that, but you need to read it with the James Thurber drawings.
March 23, 2011 at 1:04 am
I’ve read about five of the Dune books. Dysfunctional much? A lot like growing up in an abusive home while a child.
I will answer the last question with the answer that I have found.
The soul is here for it’s own joy. ~ Rumi
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
March 23, 2011 at 8:46 am
Thank you, Kate. I used to work very hard to move little muscles like the Bene Gesserit, or try to remember and calculate like a Mentat. Those books were very important to me.
If you ever want a good read about an interesting human social experiment try Herbert’s “Hellstrom’s Hive”.
Thank you for the quote, too. I like that.
March 23, 2011 at 6:01 pm
I appreciate the value those books brought you. I’m glad.
Reading sciene fiction was one way for me to find a reason for living. I loved science fiction since I was very small and still do. Different worlds, different people, different cultures.
I’ll have to find that book, thanks. Two female authors that write science fiction that I love very much are Ursula K. Le Guin (especially The Dispossesed and The Left Hand of Darkness) and Marge Piercy (He, She, and It; and Woman on the Edge of Time). There are tons of other authors that I love as well, but these are extra special to me. For a long time, as well, I lived in the world of Star Trek, somewhere where others were treated as equals, who were valued for their skills, special skills, and their work. I found that very healing.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
March 23, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Oh and The Lathe of Heaven by Le Guin about a guy who can dream and change the world.
Kate
March 23, 2011 at 3:24 am
(((((((Lisa))))))) I’m blinking through tears of understanding.
Michelle
March 23, 2011 at 8:47 am
Thanks Michelle.