Respect your alters, part 2

September 1, 2010

So, Seroquel sucks. I’d rather continue to experience psychotic symptoms than deal with that crap (Hello shadow people whom I don’t recognize and voices just behind and to the right of me!).  The Seroquel allergic reaction sent me spinning into Nearly Unbearable Anxiety Land, but it felt like it was getting out of control in comparison to the swallowing of the one pill. This is how I have been feeling:

*potential medical trigger*

This past week I have been trying self-soothing, blah-blah-blah and I keep reminding myself that we must get it together before tomorrow because my husband is having his wisdom teeth removed. The more I remind myself, the worse the anxiety becomes. So, as I’m putting the groceries away this morning I say to myself, “What’s the problem? You went through the same thing 25 years ago!”. And that’s when the memories exploded. I was 19, my mother took me to the oral surgeon on the bus, the actual procedure was never explained to me, and when I walked into a nearly empty room with sharp instruments about, the technician made me sit in the chair and promptly strapped my arms down, shoved a needle in my arm and began counting, “100, 99, 98…”. It was terrifying. That poor 19 year-old has been trying to tell me all this time how it really felt for her that day.

I feel so much better now. I’m pretty calm, ready to take care of hubby and very hungry. It never occurred to me to dig deeper and understand why I’ve been so anxious and thinking I would end up in the hospital for a while with either a stroke, heart attack, or breakdown.

What happened after my wisdom teeth were removed was nearly as traumatic, but I can use those memories to give my family what I didn’t get when I needed it. Awww…..that’s almost poetic…but not quite……


7 Responses to “Respect your alters, part 2”

  1. Sorry you had yet more memories surface, and yet you have put them to good use! I hope you are feeling calmer about it now. I often find there is some relief in gaining a greater understanding, as painful as that can be. I continue to be amazed by your courage and positivity!


    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks! It worked out okay, I think. I remember parts of the event of having my wisdom teeth removed, but not the emotions until today. That part is still very upset and I did take over an hour to try and relax and listen, and I feel she is relieved as well simply to be acknowledged.

      I don’t know if I have courage. It’s happening more like I try to deal with whatever pops up if I have the space and time. I don’t think I could start to work through this if I had a regular job.

  2. tai0316 Says:

    I’m so sorry about the Seroquel! I’ve taken it for years and nver had that happen, i can’t believe it! On the positive side, I’m glad you found some peace and calm despite having to deal with awful memories. You rock! 🙂

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you! I was thinking about you and the Seroquel last week. Well why don’t you try and see how well you tolerate Trileptal with your Seroquel, MissyPants! Yeah…..that’s what I thought……nyah!

  3. castorgirl Says:

    I’m the sensitivity queen when it comes to drugs… I had two doses of seroquel and was ready to rip my legs and arms to shreds to get the bugs our from under the skin. Other drugs I’ve lost months at a time while they trialled me on them… yeah, good times.

    I’m glad you could validate the feelings and experiences of the 19 year-old. That must have brought some peace and understanding… well done for asking the questions and digging a little deeper (I hope in a safe way).

    Hope your husband’s surgery goes smoothly and it’s a quick recovery.

    Take care,

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks. I’m glad I could, too. Yesterday I was fine, today was going good until my parents called. I never answer when they call, and I’ll respond to any message with a curt e-mail, but some anxiety is seeping back. Oh well! It was nice while it lasted.

      Hubby is being a big baby, but he’s never hurt like this so I’m taking good care of him. He actually thought he would go in, have his impacted wisdom teeth removed, and go shopping. Silly guy.

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