Fluidity, flashbacks, and simple goals *trigger*

August 23, 2010

Since at least April I have trying to organize my System by building a safe space internally. There would be a safe space for younger parts to play, eat, watch movies, etc., a conservatory of sorts, arboretum, kitchen, and central meeting area. At first it was working well, but only for a few weeks, so I tried different types of places. I visualized a house with different levels, a home built into the earth, and so on, but it always ended up falling apart and everyone scattered about. Recently I tried again and I felt a seething, disgusting pit, way in the back and nearly in the dark. When I tried to see and feel it there were muck-covered young girls trying to crawl out, but they were stuck. It was horrifying. They were just screaming and crying and I didn’t know what to do, so I tried very hard to send safe, loving feelings their way. I also lost my appetite for the rest of the day.

If a younger one comes through with a memory, or feeling there are always  a couple of older ones who quickly surround them with safety and love. They do that even when I’m not completely aware of what is happening, or before I can consciously realize what they are holding. I asked the older ones to help with such younger girls and they take this responsibility very seriously.

Time has been passing quite oddly this summer. My husband has been asking me to “Please pick a personality and stick with it.” (I think he’s accepted the DID diagnosis). Often I wake up and shortly after the day is over. I guess that may mean I’m dissociating a lot, or switching?

One of my books, The Dissociative Identity Disorder Soucebook, mentions that some Systems are very fluid. Last week I asked my therapist if perhaps my System was fluid, and that is why I am having trouble attempting any sort of organization. She agreed that it may very well be.

**Trigger** Over the past week I have learned two important things about my past. First, I remembered the first time my father had actual intercourse with me and it felt like the pain, anguish, and confusion of that flashback would shatter me. Second, the recurring dream of a particular street (my previous post) is an actual street. Two days after I learned that the street was real I felt and saw the young girls way back there stuck in the disgusting muck.

I believe that over the next several days or weeks I need to soothe those memories and those little girls and try to remain focused and aware. I’m not sure how to accomplish that if I’m losing all of this time, however. In other news, my husband is having minor surgery next week and the kids start school soon. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, but he primarily deals with my medications. I feel I should tell him at least some of this, though.

Well, I’ve rambled on enough. I need to start my day and try to remain aware and calm. I’m going to keep my goals simple for a bit.


5 Responses to “Fluidity, flashbacks, and simple goals *trigger*”

  1. Lisa, I don’t have words … I am just amazed at you! As I read your post I kept thinking about how this is all relatively new for you. You seem to have embraced your situation / experience / inner world / DID, even though I know you still struggle with believing it sometimes. I think it’s wonderful that you can see what’s going on inside and the level of communication you have. I must admit I’m a teeny bit jealous. (But not too much because I know I’m doing good work too and we all have our unique ways). I love the second last paragraph – good on you for looking after yourself and being kind to yourself! (This is something I need to work on so you’re being a good role model).

    I’m so glad that the summer is nearly over and the kids will be back at school soon.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks! I wonder if I’m right about my System being very fluid and that’s helping. I’m also trying to focus on breathing – feeling my breath, seeing my lungs fill, etc. That has been calming. I don’t meditate because that just makes things worse.

      You are doing so well in different ways, and it’s encouraging to see where and how you are going, too.

      I embraced being crazy before the DID, but now my craziness has a name.

  2. castorgirl Says:

    Hi Lisa,

    You’re doing some incredible work… you’ve got awareness, a sense of acceptance and a realisation that you can’t keep on pushing, that you need to take time for soothing and re=grouping. It can be difficult to balance all of this, and it seems like you’re moving towards a healthy space.

    Take care,

  3. I'm DID & so am I Says:

    I wish I was as organized as you. I also have the DID sourse book. I need to read it again. My brain is mush and it’s difficult to remember things. I’ve been creating more rooms, safer places etc like you have.
    I’m not good at setting goals.
    Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog.

  4. Paul Says:

    This is really good (about the fluidity). Not everyone has it. And usually it’s something that comes later… really good for you!!

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