Wielding the Weapon of Apathy

July 18, 2011

Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a boring, uneventful week…..

My ex-husband is a fucking useless waste of life. His oxygen use should go to others who really need it, and the space his body takes up could be used for an extra set of shelves or something. Anyhoo… today may be the last day I ever have to deal with him in a “we have a child together” way. My plan of attack………….apathy. I’m picking up my son and his belongings because he’s moving back in with my family. He wanted to live with his dad a bit, which is great, and I’m glad he did because he learned what a jackass he really is. Good life lesson.

My husband won’t be there because he’s a feisty Italian, and the girls won’t be there because they don’t need to be. The greatest weapon in my Asshole Arsenal is apathy. Asshole tries to bait me again and again, but as long as I’m armed with Apathy, and use it well, it always protects me. If I don’t care then you can’t hurt me. If I don’t acknowledge your stupidity it can’t affect me. If I pretend you don’t exist I dehumanize you, take you for granted and you are nothing to me. I’ve fallen for his stupid games a couple of times but it’s okay. Apathy is my weapon and my defense.

I don’t feel comfortable using Apathy because it was used against me for over forty years. It’s hard to wield this mighty weapon, destroyer of self, self-confidence, and hope. It goes against everything I believe in – the value of life, the validation of existence, the importance of feeling important. It’s a cruel, wicked thing that can mean the difference between life worth living and not feeling worthy of life. Apathy is insidious. You can’t see it or touch it but it can put a hole right through your heart without leaving a mark.

I know that throughout most days Apathy means little, but Apathy constantly drilled into you day after day, and reinforced by the rest of your world time and time again………it’s like being pulverized into sand.

However….today I am not going to be hurt. Today I am not going to be put in a position where I am forced to do anything I don’t want to. Today I am not going to say anything I will regret. Today I will use Apathy in my defense to protect myself and my son.

I imagine that if I were being shot at and the assailant dropped their gun, I would pick up that weapon and defend myself to the death. Yet, to choose Apathy as my weapon, knowing how to use it and how it’s been used against me, knowing I need to use it….well, it feels so heavy, so burdensome, and so overkill.

Sometimes I need to fight like the enemy. And that is the most disturbing truth of all.

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6 Responses to “Wielding the Weapon of Apathy”

  1. empty Says:

    I’ve never been married, but I totally empathize with you. On the bright side, you’ve got your shit together. And that says a lot.

    Keep the positive attitude and be so very proud of yourself as I am of you.

    Take care,

    jo

  2. Nansie Says:

    Hey Lisa!
    Good for you and this apathy thing. Maybe if he thinks he can’t get to you he’ll stop trying? I hope so. I know your having a hard time with this approach…it is so hard to deliver a blow to someone when you yourself know how hard this blow hits. But you and I both were on the recieving end of this and didn’t deserve to be…it was wrong and that made it even more horrid. BUT how long has your ex deserved it before you finally gave it to him? Huge difference.
    Hold your head high…your a good Mom and good person. Bring your son home and rebuild your lives together. He’ll need your help getting over this…seems there’s never a shortage of assholes in life is there? By having weapons and ways to protect yourself from assholes in life you can share them with your children cuz they’ll need weapons someday too. Your a strong woman and your son is in good hands with you. Take care and BIG hugs to you Girlie!

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks Nansie! I’ve known my ex since 1984 so this is a long time coming!

      I did what I said I would and was very polite, didn’t respond to anything, etc.. The big thing is that we told him he is not welcome at our home, and that should he need to see my son, and my son wants to see him, it will of course happen. My son is almost 19 and no longer has any legal obligation to anyone. You know…if he wanted to join a circus no one can stop him, but my ex doesn’t get that. So, he did get in my face and told me that if he wanted to come to my house he will and I can’t do anything about it. Instead of being scared or nervous or mad I laughed out loud, had to walk to the other side of my car, and called my husband right away to tell him what he said. About and hour later I sent him this email:

      “Respectfully clarifying:

      I’m going to try and put into words as best I can what I tried to say earlier.

      You are not welcome at our house. No big deal, very simple. I owe you nothing, you owe me nothing. I don’t ever have to talk to you again, hear you again, or see you again. I am not obligated in any way to you, nor you to I. You are my ex, bye-bye, have a pleasant life. We don’t like you and we don’t have to. Plain and simple.

      (son) is an adult now. There is no custody. There are no visitation rights. He is a free individual capable of making his own decisions. He is not being held here against his will. He will, of course, never be forbidden to visit or communicate with you. Every effort will always be made so you and (son) can see each other. All is well on that front and always will be. There was never any question about that.

      Do not drag (son) into this. There is absolutely no reason. I have spoken to him about the way we feel concerning you and not being welcome at our house, and he understands. End of that.

      We can say “You are not welcome here”. You are my EX-husband and you do not have the right to tell us that you can come to our home unless we expressly wish it so.

      Very simple, very easy. We are letting you be and simply telling you that we will be left alone as well. No one wants any drama or cheap tricks. It is simply a property and personal decision on our part. No big deal.

      Stay healthy, be good to yourself, and just let (son) know when you two will be getting together.

      Lisa

      N.B. Just re-read my email to you and I didn’t want it to sound as though I am trying to control who (son) can or cannot visit. Of course I cannot, and would not, because he is an adult. All of that is up to (him), not me. Visiting you or me on holidays, etc., is all up to (him) now. Unfortunately, until he gets his license I will need to chauffeur him. Your relationship between you and (son) is between you and (son).

      I apologize if it came across the wrong way.”

      How do you think that sounds? He hasn’t responded yet, so he’s either planning on driving up here unannounced, talking to a lawyer, or being an adult and dealing with it. *sigh*

  3. meredith Says:

    I learned;
    “huh. Well, it’s a thought,” while trying to cope with doing children and an ex.

    An ex is an ex… glad you’re able to turn the page.

    BOO-yah, girl!

    ~meredith~

  4. Nansie Says:

    Lisa that is perfect!!! I’d of been harsher I think but you were still firm and clear and consistant. Any lawyer will laugh him out of his office on this one if he thinks that will get him anywhere.
    The first thing that comes to mind over him getting in your face was that he is a narcissist and feels entitled to whatever he wants. WELL…not so buddy. Let him know you’ll call the police on sight of him if he comes near the property…they will explain to him his son is an adult now…has full freedom of choice and too bad if he’s had enough of Dad the bully and king of entitledment. Nothing Dad can do now except stand on his own merits…maybe there aren’t any and he knows it and it scares him?
    I doubt at this late date the ex will suddenly become an adult and deal with it like an adult. Your right you owe him nothing and he needs to accept this. If he doesn’t then you may need the police to remind him if he comes to the house.
    I am impressed…once again…by your clarity and strength and focus. YOU got it going on Girlie!!! HUGS!

  5. kate1975 Says:

    I can relate, so much. I found that apathy worked so well when I was in unhealthy home environments for about a year recently. I know how much it hurts as a little child. I also believe that narcissistic and abusive people do not feel the same emotions when someone is showing them apathy as an innocent child feels. That you care about that issue shows that you are nothing like them. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate


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