Time to Move Past Fears

July 7, 2011

WordPress is either loading verrryyy slowly or not at all and it’s not easy keeping up with other people’s blogs or simply managing my own.

A mechanical problem forced me to cancel a therapy appointment. I have many questions about recent events, inside and out, and there is no one to turn to.

All this work over the past couple of years and I’m nothing more than a whiny, old bitch.

Nothing will get done if I’m a silly, stupid, scardey cat, so it’s time to just do stuff. No more over-analyzing every possible outcome of every situation. I am tired of just sitting there, waiting for something to happen and then nothing gets done. No more sitting on my ass wondering if this will hurt, this might trigger, etc.

This DID shit keeps holding me back from life. It puts my life in perspective and helps me understand myself, but it has also been limiting. That is my own fault. I get a diagnosis and I freeze. Bullshit. Everything I do lately is bullshit. I won’t sit here and let DID be my life or my excuse for life.

I don’t know how others deal with day-to-day life, but I have been afraid to do anything for fear of losing control, being triggered, or being hurt. I’m so tired and disappointed in myself for watching life drift by and not joining in.

From the novel that was my only friend, confidant, and inspiration through middle school:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”

11 Responses to “Time to Move Past Fears”

  1. meredith Says:

    The day does come when “let’s do this thing” is less stressful to consider than holding back.

    I think you sound ready.


  2. empty Says:

    I wait for the day the fear doesn’t control my life. I agree with meredith, you do sound ready.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks. I’m still afraid but I walk through it and worry about things later if I need to. It still sucks, but at least I’m doing something different.

  3. kate1975 Says:

    You are judging yourself way too hard. This stuff is hard. You do an incredible job of life and healing. That being said, I am trying to do more as well and let fear pass through me and out of me. I think you are doing an incredible job. Good and healing thoughts to you.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you. It’s kind of like this:

      *Hubby’s not going to change what he is, so I deal with it & work around what I need to or leave, and I don’t want to leave

      *Kids need a mom they can depend on and trust so I do it

      *A million other little things that need to be taken care of if I intend on continuing to live here

      *People will not change for me or around me so I find ways to work around that, too

      *I’m not the only person in the world and as much as I feel the need to scream out how much I hurt or whatever, people aren’t going to stop their lives to help me

      *I’m alone and I need to deal with it

  4. kate1975 Says:

    You do a huge amount of stuff for others. You do an incredible job.

    I am here for you. Good and healing thoughts to you.


  5. castorgirl Says:

    When reading this post, I get an image of you getting ready to kick something where it hurts.

    • roseroars Says:

      Yep. You bet, baby. (If I tell my therapist that though, she always asks if I have any intention of hurting anyone, blah, blah, blah……I hate that.)

  6. Go, you! You can do it! What a great position to find yourself in.

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