Child Sexual Abuse When You’re an Adult & An Anniversay of Sorts

July 1, 2011

Kate (www.kate1975.wordpress.com) wrote a post about child sexual abuse as an adult. This weekend it will be 16 years since my father last sexually abused me.

*Sexual Trigger*

The first weekend in July in 1994 I was 28 years old and my parents drove to my home, unexpectedly, with a rented truck and my aunt and uncle and emptied out my home and said I had to move in with them. I don’t know exactly why or at least I don’t remember. That night in the Holiday Inn motel my 2 year-old son was sleeping next to me when I felt something on my leg. It was 2:45am and my father was in my bed, had pulled back the covers and pulled up my nightshirt. He was molesting me and I think would have done worse if I hadn’t woken up. I said “No more.”, pulled down my night shirt, and put the covers back on me.

I didn’t say “No more” like an empowered you-can’t-do-that-to-me-anymore woman. I said it, and meant it, as a very tired, betrayed, fed up, hopeless, single mother, depressed, just-leave-me-alone woman.

I feel embarrassed that it happened and that I didn’t have enough self confidence to protect the toddler next to me, much less myself. I realize I was still, or had reverted back to, a sexually abused child frame of mind.

My son doesn’t know that his grandfather did that to me while he was lying next to me. Someday I would like to tell him, though.

It took me several months and three therapists and a psychiatrist to finally find someone who could help me. As Kate wrote, it’s difficult to find information or insight for people who are sexually abused well into adulthood. However I did, but it still took 14 years to really get on the right track therapeutically.

So, Kate got me thinking, and I feel it’s an important issue to think about, and I’m very glad she brought it up.

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10 Responses to “Child Sexual Abuse When You’re an Adult & An Anniversay of Sorts”

  1. dottylizzy Says:

    You’re so brave to share this with us. Thank you. You are courageous, strong and committed.
    Big Hugs

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you for the hugs. I thought I was the only one this happened to, and the way I was shuffled around the county mental health system for months made me feel even more isolated and “wrong”.

  2. kate1975 Says:

    Hi Dear,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I understand that you are saying you had a weak voice, but I glad that you were able to have a voice, weak or not and to get away from them once again. A sexually abused child frame of mind, I can so relate to that. I’m so so sorry this happened to you. And celebrate your freedom from this abuser.

    Some of my best survivor friends have gone through this, so it is a topic that comes up often when communicating with them and I am discovering how much a myth it is that on-going child sexual abuse into adulthood is rare.

    I have been talking about this topic for the last two months or so with Jenny Sawle. She posted on this topic and we had emailed to one another on it. I was thinking and working on it more lately and was recently at your blog and was reminded while reading that this was also an abuse issue for you. Within a few hours I wrote the post. So you were as much a part of my post as any other survivor friend has been.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks Kate. Every year I think about what happened and I never know how I should feel, and it makes me sick thinking about it. I tried talking to hubby a little about it but it made him feel angry and vengeful so I stopped.

      If we’ve already been so conditioned why wouldn’t it happen in adulthood? Maybe some people don’t want to imagine such brainwashing. I don’t know.

  3. Astrid Says:

    Hi,
    You are indeed very brave for having shared this. I can’t relate cause fortunately I haven’t been where you were, but I certainly sympathize with you. I want you to know there is no need to feel embarsassed about not having protected yourself or your son from the assault. It was not your fault. Safe hugs if you want them.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you so much. This incident was one of the first things I wanted to talk about with my current therapist because whenever I mentioned it I was shuffled off to a different sexual abuse specialist, but nothing was ever really worked on. I did go to a rape support group, but even they didn’t want to talk about it.

      Thanks for the hugs!

  4. empty Says:

    I am also sorry this happened. It’s never easy to write out our shitty past.

    I also have an anniversary date soon. Sucks.

    jo

  5. meredith Says:

    Dear Lisa,

    Thank you for writing this post, and referring to Kate’s post. It’s something that I need to work out… and just haven’t been able to stomach thinking about it, especially now. My dad’s been dead for more than fifteen years, so I’d prefer to just slip one or two incidents under the rug.

    I was 23 or 24 when Dad came down to the house to visit, one day. He knew my husband was working because said spouse worked for Dad. My son was taking a nap, as always.

    I thought my dad had stopped by for a cup of coffee, that’s how far down the road my thoughts were from the memory that the guy was a perp.

    I don’t know why I thought being a young wife and mother would change my dad’s perception of me. It had changed mine, I guess, so I thought it changed his, too.

    It didn’t. I felt so dirty. I didn’t want to touch my son after it happened. I didn’t want him to be diseased by my filth. I never told my husband… and I shoved the memory into some other identity that didn’t have a role in motherhood or wifedom.

    I learned, that day, the reality that our home and utilities were not part of my husband’s benefits package… they were the Master’s way of keeping his whore.

    It was awful. My first home. My first child. My first rape after marriage.

    It still makes me want to throw up.

    • roseroars Says:

      That’s horrible. I am so sorry. It also makes me want to throw up. If I think about it now I imagine I’m holding a lightweight auger and I drill it through his skull. That makes me feel a little better and I don’t have to work through the real feelings…… Therapy is this Thursday and I want to bring this up.


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