Body is Healing & Brain is Broken

June 21, 2011

I think they can see me, like maybe there’s a camera that they placed somewhere in here that I haven’t found yet.

When I get dressed it has to be in a small, closed space so no one can see me. I would be horrified if I had to dress elsewhere.

Sitting in my own house with the windows open I am extremely aware of how I look, move, breathe, talk, everything because someone may be watching from outside a window.

When I walk across the yard or to the mail box I have to put one foot carefully in front of the other, put my shoulders back, and walk with purpose. I don’t know why.

I can’t type anything on the computer if someone else is in the room.

My food needs to be spaced a particular way on my plate and eaten in a certain order or I can’t eat it and my appetite will just disappear.

All the surfaces have to be clean in the house or I go nuts.

The bathroom is always meticulously clean. I don’t want any germs there.

It’s sad. I can’t navigate through this if I don’t know what the rules are.

Been here seven years and I’ve been invited to only one house party. Until last year I volunteered whenever I could, listened to people, etc., but I think I must look and act so weird that people don’t want to be around me or wish to try and find out more about me. I don’t volunteer anymore and I don’t shop local anymore. Now I drive 15 minutes to shop in a city where I’m anonymous.

Abusing a child and beating into them that they are nothing, and exist only as an experiment, an object, and less than human makes it hard to get through the day. I can’t see where I’m going, so I just keep moving and moving until I stop.

I’m so scatterbrained and feel so weird.

 

 

 

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10 Responses to “Body is Healing & Brain is Broken”

  1. empty Says:

    Sorry you’re dealing with so much. I can relate to most of it. It sucks.

    “It’s sad. I can’t navigate through this if I don’t know what the rules are.” I never thought of it that way. It makes sense for me.

    I can’t get my mail until darkness. My volunteering is down to zero. Do you have guilt when you can’t do what you want? I do.

    When I’m in the grocery store, if there’s anyone in the isle, I’ll find one empty. Tears usually well up when I go to the grocery store.

    Again, I’m sorry you have to go to such great lengths to make it through the days.

    I have faith in you, you’ll get through this. You’re stronger than you think.

    Take care,

    jo

  2. kate1975 Says:

    Dear,

    I’m sure that your perceptions are colored by being abused as a child and that you do not look weird and that is not the reason that you have not gotten more back from people. I’m sorry this has been happening. I can relate. I wanted to let you know, that basically, people are weird.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • roseroars Says:

      It makes me feel even more of an outcast here. I grew up just 10-15 minutes away and they make me feel like a foreigner.

      Maybe it’s my Godzilla and anime t-shirts….

  3. tai0316 Says:

    I get this post so much and it makes me sorry that you have to go through this. I can say that this isn’t as weird as it may seem to you because a lot of us have these kind of issues but I’m sorry you’re the one having to deal with it. I freak at the thought of going to stores, I think everyone’s staring at me or thinking about how hideous I look. I have to sit with my back to a wall at restaurants so no one can surprise me from behind, so many things like this.

    You know what? Your body just went through A LOT, you can only handle so much at a time, so let this go and accept that this is what you have to do to get through the days right now.

    I’m glad you’re writing about it and that your body is healing. Just take care of you as best as you can ok?

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you tai. I’m trying to take it easy, but I’m feeling better and I want to do more but I’m not supposed to but nobody else is taking care of it and…………..you know.

  4. Nansie Says:

    Hope your ok? Are you talking to your T right now…it sounds like you could use some extra support…what is going on?

    • roseroars Says:

      I saw my therapist last week but I don’t remember what we discussed. At the end she said “Well we really talked about a lot of things today.” and there was no time to ask her what we talked about. When school is out I can’t go every week and that is hard sometimes.

      A lot seems to be going on inside and out, so I’m in Coping land again.

      • Nansie Says:

        Well please take care of yourself…take it slow and try to atleast identify what’s happening inside…you don’t have to be part of it but sometimes it helps just to know what is wrong even if it is happening to another part. I just want you to be safe and feel safe. I know how sometimes it spins out of control…really I do. Hugs to you Lisa!

  5. dottylizzy Says:

    I can so identify with this. Everthing growing up was such a mess, I feel almost unbareable guilt if my home is not perfect – a perfect that I can rationally see is not possible for me right now, but still I beat myself up.

    Take care of yourself. Think about all you are dealing with, all you’ve been through – what would you say to someone else who had experienced the same? Say it to yourself, do what you would suggest they do. I’m crap at this, so I’m seriously the kettle calling the kettle black. But honestly – you’re awesome and you deserve a break.


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