Perhaps Closure? Maybe Confrontation? Email, Illness & I Feel Fine

June 16, 2011

Last night I had a very graphic dream about something my mother did which was sexually abusive and as a child never understood.Then this morning I received the following email from my her:

“Dear Lisa,

I want to start by saying that I know that you are angry at us for something we have done and I want to say that what ever it was , we are sorry and we really do love you very much and pray that some day you will forgive us.

I want you to know that your dad is ill and in the hospital. I just got home from the emergency room and he is being admitted. He is diagnosed with pancreatitis and they are doing an MRI tomorrow and calling in the GI doctors and pancreatic surgeon to evaluate the MRI tomorrow. At this time we do not know what it is, but with his history of cancer we are concerned. I will let you know what is going on.

Love Mom”

After hubby and I read it two things occurred to us:

1. She wants me to confront her so she can try and be penitent so I will forgive them, and

2. She realizes that my dad may not be around for much longer and she will be alone and it’s starting to scare her, so she needs to try and connect with me (and maybe my drug-addict sister) to take care of her.

I just wanted to note that she did not give the name of a hospital, a phone number or anything. That’s what she does, though. She leaves out pertinent information to make you go to her and then makes you do things for her while she soaks up the drama.

Several years ago hubby and I knew what we would say when she comes asking for help – “We’re sure you’ll find a nice retirement home.”. It’s not our problem, it’s not our responsibility.

Thinking about my dad dying didn’t make me angry or depressed. Rather, I felt relief, hope and freedom. It just washed over and inside me. He hasn’t tried to contact me in months which is nice. If he is dying and wishes to see me I won’t go. I expect there may be phone calls from relatives, but it’s none of their business and I’m happy to tell them so.

I feel hopeful after reading other blogs and how they reacted to their father’s deaths. We’ll be okay and we’ll feel safer and that’s always a good thing.

16 Responses to “Perhaps Closure? Maybe Confrontation? Email, Illness & I Feel Fine”

  1. Grainne Says:


    That mother of yours drives me NUTS! I’m so sorry you have to deal with her constant email…

    You may remember when we first met my dad had just died. I didn’t go to the funeral and did not go to say goodbye (I didn’t get the chance but wouldn’t have gone anyway). It was a confusing time for me…I felt sad, sort of, but moreso, I felt relieved and free…like a huge weight had come off my shoulders. No matter what now, I know he will NEVER be in my presence again and somehow it helps to cope with the things he did to me so long ago.

    Sending you hugs, love and strength (not like you need it but hell, I’ve got some extra today!) xxxxxx

    • roseroars Says:

      One of the first things I thought of was where you were when I found your blog! That made me hopeful.

      You sound really good and thank you for the hugs, love, strength, and groovy vibes.

  2. dottylizzy Says:

    Big hugs and lots of safe thoughts

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you for being so supportive, sweetie. It means a lot to me.

      I was just thinking about your comment to my previous post and how I wanted to respond, but this email came…..grrrr……

  3. tai0316 Says:

    I’m with you on this 100% Lisa! This is classic abuser behavior. My mom used to pull this kind of stunt if she went to the E.R. with a stomachache excpet she refused to relaize that I don’t care. What’s best is if they were out of our lives and I’m glad for you. I noticed immediately that your mother didn’t admit to anything, she just said that you were angry about something they did and “whatever it was”. That’s just bullshit and they know it!

    Good for you for seeing through this and I hope this ends in peace for you.

    • meredith Says:

      I hate to be the cynic here, but death doesn’t resolve a relationship. I know that it seems like a resolution… but sometimes it creates a whole different dynamic.

      I don’t know if your mom is really in a panic or not, Lisa, but it’s drama, as you know. ALL MY CHILDREN and GENERAL HOSPITAL are going off the air soon… maybe it’s a sign.

      • roseroars Says:

        Thanks Meredith. That’s a good reminder. You know I appreciate different viewpoints, and it was just surprising that I felt okay and sorta glad to think that he might be gone soon. I know it won’t magically resolve (damn!) and therapy will be extra fun for a bit.

        As for mom, she is not in a panic. She wants me to be in a panic. This is something she’s done as long as I can remember. Give a little, possibly grim information, then wait for people to show up and promise to do whatever they can for her, and then take advantage of their goodwill. It’s just her way. She does love playing the martyr and reveling in the drama.

  4. meredith Says:

    Your mom really does not like being ignored, does she? šŸ™‚

    • roseroars Says:

      Nope! She plays the princess. She never even got her driver’s license and I think it’s partly so that people have to be with her, have to help her, etc..

  5. Nansie Says:

    Hey Lisa it’s been a while since you posted? You sound good though. The thing I think of is that your Mom may be hoping your feeling remorse over your Dad…and your guards will be down and you will be so upset about your Dad that the things you were/are angry about will be forgotten. So I see her trying to capitalize on this situation and use it to get herself let off the hook in an easier manner since your mind and concerns will be focussed on some bigger picture…life and death and the finality of it all. She is trying to sneak in and pull a fast one for herself with this.
    Your mother and mine have so much in common! UGH I just can’t believe it when I read some of your posts. She is using the diversion of your father to get a foot back through your door. You sound so on top of it all though and good for you. I am with you all the way on this. I’ve missed your posting and I hope you are well and all is good…that is aside from this? haha Big hugs girlie!

    • roseroars Says:

      Hi Nansie! Thanks! I was focusing on my surgery I had last week and I didn’t want to be triggered. It worked out well, too, only now everything is rushing back. *sigh* At least I had a little break.

      You are dead on about her manipulating the situation. She’s always done that. She especially likes to get people indebted to her (taking care of a house while family’s on vacation, giving free prescription meds she took from work, free flu shots, , etc.) and then get them to help her later. Even when they give gifts they often say that it’s “not for free”, so I always felt I owed them something.

      Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that I’m not alone and many others can relate to what mom does and what I’ve gone through.

      • Nansie Says:

        OMG Lisa my mother never got her license either…oh yea…she had everyone on the hook all the time to come and take her where ever she needed to go…errands, appts etc. Just unbelievable! ANYTHING she ever did for any of us was to keep us indebted to her…and if that wasn’t understood then she didn’t do anything for you. They say narcissists have so many commonalities and they must be right because if I didn’t know better I would start to suspect that you were one of my sisters writing this blog!! hahahah Unbelievable! OH…hugs!! I am glad your surgery went well and oh yea…therapy will be exciting for a while won’t it? šŸ™‚

  6. empty Says:

    I haven’t been here for some time, but I’ve subscribed now.

    Your mother is a piece of work. Quite the manipulator. How dare her. I don’t even know your mother, but it does leave me a little lost for words.

    Be thankful you’re not anything like her. Nor will you every be like her.

    Isn’t it strange how things like this happen, having that dream and then getting the email?


    • roseroars Says:

      It is strange! The dreams haven’t stopped, either, but I stopped taking the med for traumatic nightmares. I’m sick of pills.

  7. Hi Lisa, I love that you and your hubby have her all figured out and know in advance what you will do with the shit she throws at you. You sound so grounded with it all and I am in awe with how you do that. Hope you are recovering well and your family is looking after you.


  8. kate1975 Says:

    Death can be a nice closure. I recall how happy I was when my oldest brother died. My sister, who was abused by him as well, was all upset and telling me she wanted me to go to the funeral. I wouldn’t be upset or sad with her. I told her I will only go if I can wear a red dress and dance on his grave. I said I won’t go and be sad. I won’t go and pretend he is my brother. It has been nice to know that he can never lie about me again or touch me or hurt me or let others hurt me. I hadn’t seen him in almost ten years. He has been dead for more than ten years. It has been nice. I was glad that he died young, usually the evil ones live on for a long time.

    I believe you are taking the right approach, ignore, give them nothing. Good and healing thoughts to you.


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