A Rant Before the Meltdown

April 21, 2011

I wanted to write and rant but it’s sooo loud, loud, loud! Therapy left me more frustrated than ever. We talked about a million things and I cannot focus or finish a sentence or thought.

It’s hard to stop and prioritize. And I’m so tired. So much needs to be done.

I know what mom did. I see the look on her face and I hear what she said. That vindictive fucking bitch. And it’s playing over and over and over in my head.

Inside there is an alter who seems ageless and another one that feels older than me and is very nurturing and loving. I’m trying to give everything over to them so I can breathe. It’s just starting to feel a little better. It needs to feel better because I have:

* another surgery soon

* my daughter’s birthday

* my son’s preparing for college

* and basic running around for food, appointments, sports, concerts, life in general shit

Over the past week I have run out of two stores in a panic, I’m hiding in closets and behind doors in my house like I did as a kid, and continue to search for noises that turn out to be more hallucinations. I forgot my birthday (I don’t celebrate it, though), anniversary, and nearly forgot my kid’s birthday (she reminded me in time). Things are moving too fast inside and out. I cope during panic attacks, walk around the house after I wake up from increased nightmares, and load up on drugs to sleep. I look like I’ve been hit by a baseball bat and makeup doesn’t really smooth it out. On the plus side I’ve lost a dress size and bra size, but there’s more gray in my hair.

That’s my fucking rant I suppose. I’ll call the stupid psychiatrist about my stupid hallucinations and my stupid nightmares even though it’s stupid. Nyah.

7 Responses to “A Rant Before the Meltdown”

  1. roseroars Says:

    That was really ranty and annoying. Sorry.

    • Pandora Says:

      It wasn’t stupid, hun. You hurt, and you are triggered, with every justification.

      I wish I could say something more useful, but for what it’s worth, you’re in my thoughts.

      (I hope this comment doesn’t freak you out or anything – I’m fairly new to your blog and this is my first comment. I wanted you to know I care, but if it’s freaky please ignore me and accept my sincere apologies).

      Strength and virtual hugs, if that’s OK

      Pan xxx

      • roseroars Says:

        I’ll see your hug and raise you one friendly handshake….

        Thank you very much for stopping by. I really appreciate it.

        I decided to run around the house and cook things. So far we have brownies, rolls, black bean hummus, ham & macaroni salad and I’m moving on to sloppy joes to go with the salad for dinner…ugh

  2. Nansie Says:

    Go slow Lisa and take good care of yourself. I am so sad to hear this and I hope it passes to a better place for you very soon!

  3. tai0316 Says:

    I’m with everyone else Lisa.
    I hate it when there’s nothing I can do for someone and I can’t physically do anything to help you. So, I will join my voice to the others here and say that you are literally in my thoughts everyday.

  4. kate1975 Says:

    I’m sorry you are going through this. I kept hoping that it was caused by the wrong med, so it could be fixed easily, though abuse can cause panic attacks and hallucinations as well. Thinking of you dear.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  5. Just take things one day at a time. 🙂 That is the best way. Hope things get better and I will pray for you for find your peace. I know I am trying to. Hugs for your to feel better.
    Your comrade in arms against fighting abuse…

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