Confused, Rambling, and Whatever

April 1, 2011

Ahem. The Committee of the System would like to express their heartfelt appreciation for your existence (that being anyone who stops by to read this crap). Your words, your experiences, and your support help us move through life.

Sometimes I imagine that those who are further along the healing path have access to great wisdom and insight. And when you step away from the computer flowers sprout from beneath your feet and faeries toss rose petals on your path. Don’t tell me this doesn’t really happen, or my illusions will be shattered forever.

I know that when I get up from the computer I’ll drag my ass to the kitchen and get to work, but the sky won’t open up and a rainbow won’t light my path (I KNOW that’s how it happens with some of you).

My life is boring. The only excitement comes from battling and bargaining with my inner demons and demonettes, working through new memories, and figuring out which sounds are real and which are hallucinations.

I think my life would make a great movie…….. There’s drama, tragedy, sudden plot twists, action, adventure, travel, life-altering moments…….

So I remembered some scary, filthy stuff, but the little girls who experienced it didn’t think it was scary or filthy. It just was. That is simply what happened. They were so relieved to share what they went through, and I need to feel relieved also.

I’m also hearing things several times a day and it’s hard to tell the difference between what’s a real sound and what’s not. My therapist wants me to call the psychiatrist but I’m afraid to. One sound in particular confounds me. It’s a record player and the needle is all the way at the end of the record, making that sound over and over. The strange thing about it is that I can actually walk around the sound. It’s as though the record player is right in front of me, invisible, and I can move around it. It makes me feel crazy. Maybe it’s a ghost. I’ve asked inside if anyone can help me learn where this record player is from but I have no answer yet. I did tell my therapist about it, though.

Many of the sounds are triggering and I won’t write about them here. I would rather have the “usual” flashbacks. My husband said it must be similar to what some Vietnam soldiers experienced and people thought they were crazy. I’d like to know what they are from so I can help and work through it.

One thing that does help is playing non-English radio stations loudly on the Sirius/XM radio. That and trying to crochet and watch a subtitled movie at the same time.

Everyone is gone now and I’ve rambled on enough. Time to make it less quiet here.


12 Responses to “Confused, Rambling, and Whatever”

  1. meredith Says:

    I’m not familiar with the enlightened DID writers, so I can’t comment on whether choirs sing and rainbows appear as clouds of pain part and dissolve. But, it could be. It could.

    I think it’s very cool to hear that the little ones are relieved. You’re doing a great job, Lisa. And… the work is draining. It just is.

    Don’t you love it when your foot is caught in a bear trap and someone says, “Yes, it does hurt. You’re absolutely right. I empathize…blah, blah,”

    Yeah. Blah, blah… I bet you were hoping for more, huh? Well, I can tell you with certainty that Sarah Palin is not on her way to put you down, so that’s a good thing. The memories… well, it is what it is.

    Glorious, heavenly choirs are gathering now, as I speak, to sing Alice Cooper. Don’t be fooled by the robes. They’re really ninjas who know how to rock it out, then swiftly turn and hurl ninja stars at drooling, vicious intruders.

    Would that work?

    • roseroars Says:

      Ah….but you are one of the Enlightened! And I know your feet never touch the ground. Remember…MY fantasy world, not yours…

      Thank you. Yes, ninjas always work:

  2. meredith Says:

    THANK YOU! you just made my day. humor. sick humor… you gotta love it.

  3. Nansie Says:

    Hi Lisa….don’t know what to say about that sound your hearing…It does seem that it’s from another place in time and is repetitive…like our memories (traumas). I am sure the sound gets old like “ok gee I recognize you so now what do you mean”? At some point in therapy beating this dead horse does get old. I know we have to beat it from every angle til we get tired of it and can put it to rest in a healthier way…that said. the next question I have in my thoughts are “has any of your meds been adjusted or changed in the last 6 months”? We are so conditioned to accept and not question…maybe this time there is an outside explanation? If not eventually one of your parts will take ownership and then hopefully give some kind of reasoning behind it. Perhaps it’s an invitation to step into some more unchartered territory of this healing journey? I know, I know…one more step and realm of more information when really we hope we are reaching some kind of place that’s easier. It never ceases to amaze me where I land sometimes and what I find along the way. Don’t under-estimate the possibilites of medication causing this though? Try to hang in there and I am sending you positive thoughts and BIG safe hugs! Your a strong woman and a fighter so don’t forget to give yourself credit for that too. Also thank the committee for me….I really like them!

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks Nansie. I have had some med adjustments over the past six months, so that’s definitely worth looking into.

      I don’t wanna go into uncharted territory!

  4. castorgirl Says:

    Don’t the super-survivors (because we all know they have super powers), also have angel choir music following them about? I also like to think that they are really nice people… I’d hate to meet one and find out they’re real pompous idiots with a smile on their face that you feel the need to wipe off. That would kinda be annoying. I do wonder what their super-survivor costume looks like? Cos, you know, if it’s ugly, maybe I’ll just aim for normal survivor territory, where there’s no annoying angels, fairies or flower carpets giving me hayfever.

    Yes, the little girls thought it was normal. That’s what makes it so heartbreaking, yet amazing all at once. So be relieved, for you all.

    Audio hallucinations could be trigger stuff, or other stuff… either way, it would be good to get it checked out. Might ease your mind, if nothing else.

    Take care,

    • meredith Says:

      I think if they’re really super-survivors, they’re working right beside us… and we don’t even know it.

      It could happen. Maybe. I hope.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you, CG. Well…DID Demolition Duo usually wear contrasting color outfits that are very tasteful and New Wave music follows them around. Last I knew…The Traumanator outfitted her average figure in pink Kevlar and was surrounded by the music of Acid Black Cherry, a hard rock Japanese band (check out the song “Jigsaw”). But as you wrote most of them do have angelic choir music following them.

      I’m still too nervous to ask my psychiatrist about the hallucinations. Maybe later this week.

  5. kate1975 Says:

    Hi Lisa,

    Okay so you already said you only wanted our reality confirmed, okay, here it is,

    Yes on the flowers, yes on the faeries but sometimes it is the faeries throwing the flowers. Just remember we still gotta watch out for the thorns.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    • roseroars Says:

      Wow. Did you know that your comment actually sparkles on my computer, you super-survivor, you? 😉

      I love you guys.

      Thank you, Kate!

  6. tai0316 Says:

    Sorry I didn’t get over here soon enough. I’ll just say that maybe getting the sound checked out could help? That would definitely throw me, of course part of my bipoalr disorder is psychosis so I hallucinate when my meds aren’t working enough. I hope you get some answers.

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