Spiritual Misunderstandings *religious triggers*

March 8, 2011

When I was young I used to pray and talk to god and I could feel his love as a warm blanket, wrapping me up. Now I know it was dissociation.

I could feel Jesus laying down next to me in bed and I loved him like an older, protective brother. But I was dissociating.

When I received the sacraments I felt the holy spirit blessing me. I was dissociating.
When I was eighteen and found Wicca I knew that was the goddess spilling into me and encircling me. It was really dissociation.

During Ceremonial Magick rituals I felt I was a conduit between worlds. But I was dissociated.

This is absolutely not meant to mock anyone’s spiritual experiences. It is my story of what happened when I received my DID diagnosis. When I left the office that day I tried to find solace and understanding in my pagan faith. There was nothing. No “whoosh” like I had felt before, no connection when I prayed or did a ritual. It felt like a switch turned off. It felt like my spiritual life was a lie and I was abandoned. The new knowledge of these other parts protecting me and existing within me made me feel naked and stupid.

A few months later I boxed up all of my personal tools, clothes, books, and supplies. My kids still believe, and when they talk about gods, goddesses, faeries, and invisible connections I sometimes want to scream how it’s all a lie. I know it’s not a lie for them, and I’m glad they have faith. My husband still practices and he feels sorry for me because I’ve lost faith in anything beyond the physical.

Layer after layer is revealed until I’m just a naked, unwanted child. It makes me feel cold and cynical. It makes me want to stop everything – eating, walking, waking up, talking… It makes me angry. It makes me feel stupid for espousing my beliefs and practicing so openly.

It has been a year since my diagnosis and there is still nothing. The less I dissociate the more I see how dumb I am. Now I can see my real face in the mirror and it’s wrinkled and looks like my parents.

I was hoping that by now I would feel something. If I felt that connection again, if I could see faeries again, or marvel at nature, or be amazed at anything outside (or inside) myself I think I would know there is a reason for anything.

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17 Responses to “Spiritual Misunderstandings *religious triggers*”

  1. meredith Says:

    You will.

  2. shame Says:

    You’re not stupid and have every right to be angry. I’m sure it’s been frustrating…thinking there is Jesus and God there to help and guide you, and protect you. I’m not a religious person, but I’m up and done on my beliefs.

    I look in the mirror, and like you, wrinkled. I think I’m more than you.

    I’m confident that your layers will come back. Possible when your parts are more cohesive.

    I know the feeling of not feeling anything….if that makes any sense.

    jo


  3. (((((Lisa))))) You’re not dumb! Trauma affects us in so many ways, and faith is one of them. I hope you can feel that connection again before long. Feel that whoosh, feel the solace, really have faith again. Your boxed up things will be waiting for you to open up like one big present.

    Michelle

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks Michelle. I was ready to sell everything on ebay or etsy, but I figured the kids might have use for them someday.

      I hope to feel those wonderful things again too.

  4. Nansie Says:

    Lisa…go easy right now and don’t be hard on yourself…please? I could almost take chunks of your post and turn it into one of my own on my blog…not good is it? But we have so much more in common than you think.
    Try to keep in mind that we have been dissociating for a good reason…we didn’t want to feel the horrors we were put thru. But you can’t pick and choose what your dissociating so most emotion goes with the process. As we feel more and more it won’t just be about the traumatic pieces…much other stuff comes too and alot of it is not good but it’s a piece of that full circle that’s coming at some point. Try not to be too hard on yourself…alot of this is not pleasant by any means but it’s part of the journey. These are words I try to say to myself alot. Very frustrating and doesn’t always make sense and sometimes it’s like “what’s the point I liked it better where I was”. I don’t like the things I’m finding on my way out of this. I am also finding alot of anger inside for things I wasn’t dealing with in my life. UGH. I get so overwhelmed by the anger sometimes I feel like it will crush me…can you say xanax? OH yea, I can! UGH…I can’t wait for this phase of it to pass! But please hang in there and keep an open mind and don’t be hard on yourself! BIG HUGS (SAFE)
    Nansie

  5. kate1975 Says:

    Hi,

    I wanted to share some things and believe me when I say I do not feel mocked and I am not trying to mock you.

    I understand this has been your experience. I don’t want to be dismissive or negative to what you are feeling and thinking, but I did want to tell you what occured to me as I read your post.

    First I wanted to say that what you feel is not just dissociation. Most multiples are more spiritual and more connected to metaphysical aspects of life rather than less connected.

    I too have felt a huge connection to God, and at times felt God, had messages, and visions. For me it was before and after knowing I was multiple. At times I have questioned it, but I still come back to the concept that I saw and felt those things and they had a great deal of meaning to me, then and now.

    I wanted to say that receiving your diagnosis could cut you off from your spirituality, could be the reason that you feel deadened in this area of your life. It doesn’t mean that it is not still out there, it means that the trauma of getting your diagnosis has caused a disconnection from your spirituality. It doesn’t mean that all that you felt was dissociation. It doesn’t mean that what you feel now is what you would always feel. You are in a lot of pain. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    When I am not sure of what is what and who I am and where I am going and what will happen to me spritually and after this life: I think it is better to have questions more than having the answers. And I know that is the most courageous thing I can do. For me, that is the answer.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks Kate. I wish it hadn’t disconnected my spirituality. That was what was always there, in and around me. I feel more naked than ever. It’s so depressing because I want to be in a certain space, and it’s not there anymore.

      • kate1975 Says:

        Can you try to start a dialogue within the system about spirituality and what it meant to you and if there is a way to resume that. I would also ask if there is someone in the system who was involved in the disconnection, even by accident, and if there is anyone who can help you re-connect. Putting it out there into the system can often lead to answers that I would never have found otherwise. Or anyone else inside and what would they like to do spiritually?

        At times I just felt shut down, and I think now that it was a protective manuever by the system. They thought that being spiritual would trigger too many things and bring up too many flashbacks, when we were not in a space to cope with them. What I have found helpful is to just keep working on healing and learning new skills and being very protective of the system, which lets them know that they can trust me and that I do love them. Sometimes I think that my spirituality is limping along now, compared to before, but the truth is that it is a much richer spirituality. It took a while for me to get there, mostly because I didn’t work on that area and just let it lie for a long time. I regret that.

        Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

      • roseroars Says:

        That is a great idea. Thank you very much. I’ve already put up flyers in our space inside, so we’ll see if there’s a response. šŸ˜‰

  6. tai0316 Says:

    I believe you will connect to feelings again, that you’ll be able to marvel at something and find that kind of happiness again, I really do. I know I go through those moments of feeling a flash of hope, a possibilty of “maybe’s” and then it’s gone and I think I’ll never have the kind of life I want or see things the way I wish I could. I think we can get those things back, we also can remind each other of the possibilites. šŸ™‚

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you, Tai. You’ve been very supportive the past few weeks. I’m sorry I haven’t been for you.

      • tai0316 Says:

        Don’t be silly, that never even occurred to me! None of us is required to respond to every post or comment on everything, we do what we can when we can and if we feel we want to right? Silly šŸ˜› and šŸ™‚

  7. sanativescribe Says:

    It is hard to have faith when you don’t have trust. You were taught to lie. You were taught your thoughts were wrong. You learned not to listen to your inner cues, you inner spirit. That is where God really is.
    The whole God and Jesus thing came crashing down on me too. At first it was devistating. Where it led me however was to a new place, with beliefs that I found a little more plausable.
    When bad things happen to us we become victimized. This makes us angry and when we are angry we want to get rid of it because it hurts. And the one who we hoped would protect us let us down. There were lots of let downs.
    But you didn’t let you down? Nope, you were there, comforting, caring loving yourself. That is truly a wonderous, selfless gift to yourself. Own that, feel that. You have power and incredible strength. I know it feels bad to love yourself. That is what those who hurt you want you to think. I don’t think that, I think you are great and hopefully you will find that out too šŸ™‚

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you so much. You have no idea how much better your comment made me feel. I really appreciate it.


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