That was a short “feel good” time

January 20, 2011

Today I spent the time between 8:15 am to 12 noon in a doctor’s office and hospital. For me this is another example of “just when things are looking up” going bad, or “Why be optimistic when you know something will happen to ruin it?”.

The reason for my appointment and hospital test visit is not important. What was important to me was the instability afterward. The wrench in my newly-tuned System. The “sabo” in my “tage“.

The next three hours, which isn’t necessarily a long time, were an exercise in futility. Panic, crying, possible heart attack, shortness of breath, racing thoughts, self-injury…the whole shebang. It wasn’t until I put in a fitness DVD for 20 minutes that things began to stabilize again. Xanax, self-talk, and grounding techniques were worthless.

I know it happens. It feels like it has happened all my life. It’s as though it doesn’t matter what I try to do, or how well I feel after something positive happens because it will shortly be fucked up.

It’s my pity party for today. It’s my why-the-fuck-keep-trying rant. And my gonna-eat-ice-cream-’cause-I-can-so-shut-up whiny post.

Depending on the test results I might whine again next week too.


15 Responses to “That was a short “feel good” time”

  1. tai0316 Says:

    I get it, I really do, so I will try not to use platitudes that will annoy you. I’m mostly hoping that your test results will be ok. It really sucks when we have a good day out of many crappy days and we see a light at the end of the tunnel for a brief moment and then we get hit with something else.

    Did you enjoy your ice cream at least? 🙂

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks Tai. You can write platitudes if you want and then I can print them out as targets for my bow.

      The ice cream was pretty good! Then the kids found it…

  2. Nansie Says:

    Hope your okay now Lisa…Sorry to hear you went through all this! I hate it when things get like that and so far the only thing that has helped has been xanax. For me it almost feels like someone has pushed a button in me and I go into fast motion physically with racing thoughts…this fast forward is beyond my control too and I can’t always figure out what sets it off…UGH. Take good care of yourself.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you Nansie. I’d like some racing thoughts and fast motion please to help me get all this housework crap done.

      I was thinking about you and how you are feeling lately. Sooooo…….write something!

      • Nansie Says:

        Thanks Lisa…funny how this racing stuff never works FOR us…UGH. I would love it if it could kick in and help with my housework too! hahaha I am doing ok lately…I’ve been overwhelmed by some stuff going on and haven’t organized my thoughts enough to be able to write. I have had a block where that is concerned…..but I’ll get there. Thanks for asking!

  3. meredith Says:

    “…my gonna-eat-ice-cream-’cause-I-can-so-shut-up whiny post.” I love your whiny posts.

    You had a huge week, Lisa. Unexpected snow days, a trip to the hospital for tests… and now it’s Friday.

    You grounded yourself. That’s what counts. Not what came before (that’s a consideration, not a strike against you), not the length of time it took… it is the fact that you remained aware of the need to ground yourself. And then, you did. BOO-Ya, Baby! That’s what it’s about.

    You’re doing a good job, Lisa. Thanks for writing about it, and giving us all a little humor while we were along for the ride.


    • roseroars Says:

      Hey…I think you’re right! So I should get a trophy or a New York-style cherry cheesecake for doing well. Just send me a gift certificate to my email.

      • meredith Says:

        Want, want, want…. and no. What on earth do want with all that sugar in your body? More shifting?

        Silly girl. I’ll think about your prize and get back to you later.


  4. meredith Says:

    Shit. I hate it when I leave words out of my replies…

    They question is: What on earth do you want…. oh, never mind. It’s Friday.

    • meredith Says:

      What kind? Like Cheesecake Factory gift certificates or what? You have to be very specific with me. 😉

      • roseroars Says:

        Oh…I forgot about the Cheesecake Factory…no, no, no…a really nice recipe would be terrific. One that is sure to be yummy, is well-tested and I can take pictures of to make you guys jealous.

  5. Nansie Says:

    OH my you guys! I got a big Cheesecake Factory cheesecake to have around here for Christmas! It was so good I thought my guests were going to fight over it!!! I love cheesecake factory now…just sayin

  6. Just want to let you know that I stopped by. My head is not in a good space for much writing but you are in my thoughts.


  7. Rose, I’m sorry I’m late to replying. I’ve been offline for a bit. I am glad you reoriented yourself. I’m sorry it was so hard for you. I understand the ups and downs. But we cannot let that make us stop trying. The goal is for there to be more ups than downs and more ability to get out of the downs. I know it’s painful. Sorry.

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