My self-awareness post for today *sexual & suicidal trigger*

January 13, 2011

Becoming more self-aware is a huge challenge. As I try to learn to be self-aware I am finding that:

*30 minutes has gone by

*My nails have been polished

*I made cookie dough and it tastes great

*The birds are beautiful against the white snow

*All of my clothes, and the kids clothes are put away
In other words I have dissociated and distracted myself in order to not be self-aware. So, what could I possibly be afraid of? I am afraid that the more aware I become:

*the more I will know about the ugly, horrible things

*the more ashamed I will be

*the more I’ll hate myself

*the more I will eat

*the more I will hurt myself

*the more I will want to kill myself

Is self-knowledge worth the possibility of experiencing these fears and having to deal with them? Yep. If I think about this logically I believe that what will really happen is that I will become depressed, and that’s part of what I pay my therapist and psychiatrist to help me with.

When I try to be self-aware about my feelings or experiences I sometimes become overwhelmed, experience flashbacks and usually turn to:

*masturbation

*cutting

*hitting

*overeating

Those actions make the bad feelings go away for the moment. Then I get to experience the shame of doing those actions later which compounds the problem and impedes my healing process.

I have gone around and around with this and these short-term, unhealthy behaviors. The only thing that has helped at all is saying out loud as the adult that I am, “This is not a healthy way to cope. We need to learn new, healthier ways to deal with the overwhelming feelings. If we do those old things then we can’t move forward and be a good mom or crochet things for our etsy shop.”. There have been only two times that saying this has not worked, and I say it A LOT.

A huge downside to learning to become more self-aware is that a part of me made a suicide kit. I was hoping to give it to my therapist yesterday but I had to cancel due to a snow day. The box is new, clean and well-prepared. It’s disconcerting, but I don’t believe it is a serious threat at the moment. It feels more like a “Ha-ha. Look what I did behind your back!” from an adolescent part.

I had hoped that after a year of therapy I would be past all this. Same therapist, same psychiatrist, and I just creep along. It’s not that I mind the creeping too much, I’m simply tired of it. I think a lot about becoming self-aware, but it’s hard work to do it. I firmly believe that where the mind goes, the body will follow, and vice versa, but it doesn’t hold up as well in DID Land.

This was written for me. I want to know where I am and where I think about going. I want to be strong and healthy and a good person. As many times as I say that, though, it feels almost unreachable.

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10 Responses to “My self-awareness post for today *sexual & suicidal trigger*”

  1. soulfulgrrl Says:

    You are in my thoughts and you are not alone.


  2. It’s hard … and you’re doing your best. My thoughts are with you. Take care,
    Dawn


  3. One foot in front of the other. Easier said than done, I know. (((((Lisa)))))

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you Michelle. Now I have that song in my head (“Put one foot in front of the other. And soon you’ll be walking out the door!”).

  4. meredith Says:

    you wrote: This was written for me. I want to know where I am and where I think about going. I want to be strong and healthy and a good person. As many times as I say that, though, it feels almost unreachable.

    If the post was written for you, it seems as though you don’t have a lot of body experience, yet., but you know about the possibility from others within you. Maybe you’re a little too young to do some of the things you want, right now. I had crone parts that let parts of me ‘help them’ do activities. The crones usually seemed to recognize how to let me start being awake to the day without letting me do so much that I got overwhelmed. Do you have a grown up part that would let you see through her eyes, once in awhile, so that you can learn safely?

    Grown up Others are so much nicer than the external grown ups I grew up with. Maybe they can help you.

    ~meredith~

    • roseroars Says:

      I can’t find any grown-up. There’s just Oracle, and she’s timeless. Your reply brought up lots of stuff I need to write down.

  5. tai0316 Says:

    I think this post shows a lot of strength and maturity. You’re taking a good look at what’s going on with you and you’re writing it down. That’s an important thing to do. I like the way you did inventory on everything and it shows great self-awareness. I know the feeling of creeping along. I thought I would be done with therapy in six months. Ha!

    I hope you noticed that you say beauty too, with the birds. That was great and I felt happy for you that you were able to recognize that.

  6. atria Says:

    The path of self-awareness for survivors seems overwhelming. If we are used to dissociating to handle difficulties or even some daily tasks, being aware and keeping in the present is difficult. It is a spiral for sure, and one that seems to lean toward the downward as we accept what our needs are and come to terms- its like we are accepting our struggles which can bring on an awareness of what could be done in the negative. I have always felt that accepting our role in protecting ourselves means to confront our potential to hurt ourselves, then making the choice otherwise. But it is all much easier said than done, and this is a good post that reflects it in my opinion.

    atria


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