Chuggin’ along…

December 27, 2010

It has been very heartening to read how well, average, not-so-well, or okay many people managed the holidays. I feel it’s important to write it out, whether it is a good or bad or so-so experience. I don’t believe writing it out and/or reading others experiences just for comparison, but rather for inspiration and ideas. Certain times of the year are triggering, or just plain annoying, and reading about how people approach those times of year and deal with it help me feel a little less alone.

Over the past few days I’ve been debating writing about how it has been for me. It was not good. It is not good now, but I’m still here and my kids had a wonderful time. I tried really hard to see this time of year through their eyes and that almost helped. I never want them to associate the holidays with anything other than wonder and joy, so that’s my focus.

I will do whatever I need to do to move through these next couple of weeks intact. Hopefully I will look back and see how I can do things better next time.

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31 Responses to “Chuggin’ along…”

  1. meredith Says:

    Next time, you will be in a completely different place. This is the best time EVER to stay in the moment (I know, how cliche). Everything changes.

    You really, really try to hard. *sigh*

    Overachiever!

    ~meredith~

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks. I’m grasping at anything to stay present.

      • meredith Says:

        Sometimes, Lisa, the best thing you can do for yourself is nothing. I have times when I lay down on the bed and let the shifting begin because it’s obvious I need to process. Even when my kids were little, they knew that if I told them I had to lie down, they needed to ‘have my back,’ as the eldest would say. The youngest would play with Legos right besides the bed (that was neat) when he came to visit by himself. They all knew I needed time to shift, and they got pretty good at being able to see it for themselves. My eldest could look at me and say, “too white. Rest tight.” That was cool, too.

        The point. Oh, yeah. REST is a good thing for the mind.

        Thinking of you,

        ~meredith~

      • roseroars Says:

        Thank you. My therapist called back yesterday. She asked me to call my psychiatrist, so I’m waiting for that callback. In the meantime she asked me to stay busy for safety reasons. Sometimes I don’t think I should tell her what’s going on.

        The kids are being okay about me resting, but that’s when everything comes out and I hurt myself. So my therapist thinks it would be better to hang out with them and stay distracted until the psychiatrist calls. I’m not doing anything weird around the kids, and they are most distracting, so I’m trying that.

      • meredith Says:

        Oh! Well. Hurting yourself is not restful. Wow. Sometimes… life is just too complicated, isn’t it?

        I know what you mean about letting the kids distract you. I understand what you mean, but it must wear you out after a while.

        Sometimes when you write about your kids and all the things you do in addition to dealing with the DID I wonder how you manage to do so much.

        I’m sorry you’re in a fragile place right now. Good for you for continuing to give your therapist information, though.

      • roseroars Says:

        Thank you Meredith. I think I do a lot with them because nothing was done with me growing up that I remember. Unfortunately I’ve turned them into nerds, but they are coping well with that. I don’t treat them like friends, nor will I. I just try to set things up so we can enjoy our time together. Hubby is afraid they will never leave home now, and the youngest says she is buying the land across the road so she will always be close to us. That’s really a nice thing to know.

        The psychiatrist called back and he wants a steady stream of Xanax in my system for a while, instead of taking it as needed. I also checked some other meds of mine and it looks like I’ve been skipping the Wellbutrin and Trileptal without being aware of it. So…maybe that’s part of the problem, too.

        Yeah, I think fragile is a good word.

  2. shame Says:

    I hear where you’re coming from. I tried too, but to no avail. I’m sure it was exhausting, trying to let others think you’re doing great. Mine just plain SUCKED!

    jo

  3. tai0316 Says:

    Lisa I’m so sorry things didn’t go well this year, but you are a superb mother. I’m really sad and sorry you hurt yourself too even though I understand why. I too believe that next year will be different for you. You tried so hard this year to make things great for your kids, so now, it’s time to take care of yourself! I’m glad your back here in the blogoshpere 🙂

  4. castorgirl Says:

    Healing is about learning new ways. You’re motivated to learn, so that bodes well for next year.

  5. Nansie Says:

    Awe Lisa…this holiday was hardest of all for me so far. UGH…sounds like it might have been that way for you too. BUT…you sound very aware of everything and stayed present for it all? I’m sorry things are this way but try to keep in mind that where we are now is “temporary” because we are healing and going forward. We will get better at this little by little….you are a great Mom and I really admire you for that. I look forward to your writing. BIG SAFE HUGS!


  6. The most important thing? You made it! Even though it was beyond not easy. Keep chuggin’! Hugs!

    Michelle

  7. Nansie Says:

    Lisa I am thinking about you and sending you soothing thoughts!! Try to find a way to sooth your parts right now. You all made it thru and it is past tense and they need to be reassured that you ALL did a good job this year! I know how uncomfortable it all feels inside and it gets so jumbled up but one by one each part needs to catch their breath. Being busy is good until all the parts can catch up. They are young and it takes them longer. They may not understand and may still be scared from it all. You did great tho!! Your parts did great too! I am sure they are upset at all this newness in routine that the holiday brought about for them. I know my parts felt like fishes out of water and wanted to scatter at times cuz life happens faster than they can keep up and we don’t always have time to hold their hands thru the events….especially when we have to focus on our family/children. You and I go with it…do the right thing by everyone and then when things are calm again we play catchup inside. So hard but it is progress. I am reflecting on this holiday and praying that this coming year will bring me enough progress that next Christmas will be even better. When I reflect back I can see the improvement for me but alot of chaos too. It’s scary sometimes to look back and see the hill you and your parts just climbed…how I know this. We’re all here for you and cheering you on cuz your a good and strong person. Our community needs you and all the great info you bring to it. Please sooth yourself. Maybe you could take your parts out and buy them a present for being such good sports through all of this…then some ice cream for them! They will giggle again for you….don’t forget to thank them. Tell them I said thanks to them too for taking such good care of you while you were focussing on giving your family a good and fun holiday!

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you Nansie. It’s quite chaotic here. I’m starting to have a little trouble telling the difference between inside and outside, but I just keep going. The only thing that does help me focus is self-injury, and I know that’s horrible, and I’ve talked to my therapist and psychiatrist, but if I don’t feel that pain and then wrap it up nicely I’m afraid I will do worse things.

      My husband has no idea what has been going on, either. There’s no talking to him between Thanksgiving and the middle of January. His job is the busiest then. I just try to keep really busy all the time.

      • tai0316 Says:

        I know how hard that is when a spouse is really busy with work and it feels like it would be a burden for them if we told them what was going on. I did that this last time and he didn’t find out until I was close to being hospitalized. I’m just wondering if maybe he might handle it better than you think. I’m just worried about you. I don’t want you to keep hurting yourself even though I understand why you’re doing it. Did your therapist or doctor have any ideas on what to do to cope that doesn’t involve self-injury? Something that actually makes sense and doesn’t sound stupid I mean? I don’t always go the medication route but do you have something like Ativan that can calm you for a bit? Obviously not to treat the DID or anything but something to give you some peace for a bit so you can relax. I had to take one not so long ago and that’s my last resort but it helped.

      • roseroars Says:

        Thanks Tai. Hubby is not listening or supportive at the moment. I’ve yelled, screamed, thrown things, and nada. It’s mainly work. I was angry at first, but I’m apathetic now. Fuck him.

        My psychiatrist tweaked my meds a little and it helps some. I have a steady stream of Xanax coursing through my body right now, until Jan. 11th. He may change things a bit more then.

  8. Nansie Says:

    Hang in there Lisa…I am so sorry you are going through all of this right now. If you want to email me and chat I am here…I wish I could find the words that would ease this for you…. :(.


  9. Rose, You have such a “mindful” (if I can use that word) way of thinking about where you are at and what you are going through. I’m sorry the holidays were not good for you and that things are still not good. But the concept of knowing your limitations and trying to soften things by looking at life through your kids’ eyes is such a wonderful idea. Until you said this, I hadn’t realized that this is what I myself do all the time. Today, for example, I had just been through a night of no sleep and debilitating body memories and I did not want to have to do the family outing to the roller skating place where they celebrate the New Year for kids. But I did it. I also focused on the kids. It’s amazing what you can do when you think about things in that way. It doesn’t always work, that’s for sure. But it does help make things better. Your outlook for the future, your hope and determination to do “whatever I need to… intact” is so inspirational. I send you good wishes for the next couple weeks… You will do well. And as someone else said, next year you will be in a different place and have learned from this year. Good for you!


  10. Just sending some more love and reminding you to just keep chugging. Or is that keep swimming? lol Either way… You can do it!

    Hugs,
    Michelle

  11. meredith Says:

    Hi, Lisa;

    The birds at the feeder are all a whisper this morning because I haven’t kept in touch enough to really understand what you’ve been going through.

    I don’t know if I fail to read carefully when I read your posts or what… but I never “get” how seriously you are struggling until I read the comments and find that you’re doing life in long sleeves, now… and then I freak out a little.

    I feel very scared about you mutilating your body. I really do. And this is ironic, of course, because I have my own version of mutilation.

    I have so much to think about just from rereading this post and all the comments on it. I wish I could just wrap you in the softest, most gentle blanket in the world… and have some hot chocolate with you… and just hang out for awhile. Maybe it would only ease my mind, but… oh, Lisa.

    Well shit. All I know to say is that I love you. I see how tough it is for you, right now.

    I don’t have rainbow unicorns or anything magical or funny to offer, but I close my eyes and become still for a while when you come to mind during the day.

    You certainly get a gold crown for the way you negotiated the holidays. I know you’re tired, but you made it… and that counts for everything.

    ~meredith~

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you. I have therapy tomorrow morning. Maybe that will help. The way I got through the holidays was by hurting myself, so I don’t know if I did a good job, but I got through them. It’s not going well here and I’m not completely sure why. I hope to have some better idea tomorrow.

  12. Nansie Says:

    So nicely said Meredith! Ditto for me Lisa. One of my parts had an idea….Let all do a mind exercise and take our abusers…put them together in a circle…at night when it’s dark and they can’t see..we can call them awful things and yell at them and then throw all the rotten left over food from the holiday at them. Then we can take all the awful memories we have of THEM and shove them up their asses followed by a large Christmas tree! We could let the reindeer trample them too. THEN we could tie them all together with a big anchor, have Santa put them in his sleigh and drop them into the ocean…and we could let our childlike parts yell “Bye, bye, assholes”!
    Just saying.

    • roseroars Says:

      Meredith always says the right things.

      The only laugh I had today was your comment. Thank you very much.


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