Who needs a title?

December 15, 2010

This holiday season is hard. Like a cement wall hard. Like sure, it can be broken down and the little rocks can be dealt with somehow, but it’s really hard to break through that wall. It’s honestly a comfort to realize that I’m not alone in this, and at the same time I feel bad for us, too.

So, some things to do when the holidays totally suck and nobody gets it:

1. Rewrite holiday songs and sing them softly around people or teach them to your kids. (“I’m dreaming of being more co-conscious. With every switch that I might make…”)

2. Create Calvin and Hobbes snowpeople: http://www.chase3000.com/userpages/calvinhobbes/

3. Buy those $1 christmas craft sets and make some. You can burn them or smash them later.

4. Rewrite holiday stories. I recommend Santa as the world’s greatest ninja. Or Rudolf with an Uzi.

5. Buy lots of bagels, cut them in half, and cover with peanut butter and seeds. Then hang them out for the birds – off of your porch, in trees, on fences…

6. Color your hair (Nice-n-Easy is fairly inexpensive and works really well).

7. Plan a “Godzilla” movie marathon. Really bad kung-fu movies are fun, too. Do it MST3K style for added coping fun.

8. Send yourself a card (I know, I know…I got that from Mr. Bean…).

9. Make a favorite old recipe you haven’t made in a while, or ask someone to help you, if you want. Here’s one of mine:

Lemon Bread

6 tbl. margarine
1 c. sugar
2 eggs
grated rind of 1 lemon
1/2 c. milk
1 1/2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking powder


3 tbl. sugar
juice of 1 lemon

Cream margarine and sugar. Beat in eggs and lemon rind. Combine dry ingredients and add alternately with milk.
Pour batter in 9×5 loaf pan and let sit for 20 min. before baking.
Bake at 350 degrees F. for about one hour, or until toothpick comes out clean.
Mix sugar and lemon juice and pour over loaf while hot.
Store one day before slicing.

10. Find a rock or make a snowball. Imagine all of your frustration, pain, and negative feelings going into it. Throw it as hard and as far as you can.

11. Buy a big, mushy stuffed animal.

12. Hang some apples in a wooded area where you know deer pass through.


That’s all I can think of right now. I’ve been mixing up songs and stories for a couple of weeks now which has been fun. I’m also baking and cooking really delicious and unhealthy stuff.  Not every day, but enough to make it feel comforting inside and outside.

I want to make it through the next few weeks okay. So far it’s not going well, but I’m working on it. I think that if I’m careful and aware I will squeak by with minimal damage. There is nothing I can write to describe how it feels because you already understand, and that means so much.

There is a lot of noise inside. There are a lot of new images, feelings, and emotions. There is a lot of Xanax in my medicine cabinet. It’s messy inside and it’s a lot of work trying to take care of it. As soon as my attention wavers anywhere but inside things get worse and it’s just cope, cope until I can be alone and straighten things out a bit. I have tried everything on the list I wrote and they do help, especially re-imagining songs and stories.

That’s all for now. Therapy has completely fried me for the rest of the day. I am however, going to bake sugar cookies shortly and eat some dough.

15 Responses to “Who needs a title?”

  1. shame Says:

    Thanks for all the ideas. I have one to add to #6. Purchase Dawn dishwashing liquid to strip the color out if you hate it.


  2. I love it! Especially rewriting Santa as a ninja. 😉 You’re taking good care of yourself, Lisa. Hope the dough (and the cookies) was (were) wonderful!

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you! Ask A Ninja on YouTube has an excellent explanation about why Santa is the world’s greatest ninja.

      The dough is chillin’ for tomorrow.

  3. castorgirl Says:

    All good stuff Lisa… really good.

    I’m watching old House episodes, and keeping score of all the times Hugh Laurie does anything to remind me of Blackadder – small things distracting small minds and all that. Up until last night, I was all like “I’ve got this xmas thing DOWN, I can soooo do this”… now I want to do some minor time traveling – just into late March of next year, nothing major.

    Thanks for the recipe…

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you, dear.

      Sometimes it’s hard to watch House. All I see is A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Blackadder, or Jeeves and Wooster.

      I use my TARDIS whenever I’m in a pinch and need to time travel. It’s a little more conspicuous in New York state, though…

  4. Nansie Says:

    Hey Lisa, I like the baking idea alot. My daughter and I have been doing alot of baking…tons of cookies. We frosted the sugar cookies too and they were so yummy. Holiday baking really gets me in the spirit and can keep me there for a while. It’s the down time that gets confusing for me. Last weekend was my big family Christmas party and that hurt not to be there. It’s been 10 years but it still hurts alot. I have removed the last of family that I have as friends on my facebook page so that was kinda sad. My bro is in the military off and on so I kept him as a friend on facebook but recently removed him and then the other was my neice…she is distant but still a connection. So I have them both removed…they were small connections but never the less the last of them has been severed. It took a while before I was ready for this last piece…I didn’t really have ongoing communications with them but it was still hard. I was talking to someone this weekend and told them that to have any contact with my family means pain, humiliation and shame…there are no other options so I have to stay away or be prepared to deal with that. So I will continue to be gone from their lives.
    Even though we are making healthy choices in our lives now by staying away from the people that continuously hurt us it is still painful. For decades of my life I thought this is what family was and I accepted it and felt like I belonged to a family. I know it was denial but I have parts that want to go back and just pick up and continue the denial for the sake of having a family again. This is the hardest part for me during the holidays. I know I have to hang in there and keep going thru the motions and I will be ok. Under no circumstances can I rejoin that family and maintain any kind of sanity.
    So it helps me to feel safe and connected to my children and husband during the holidays when I bake lots of good stuff. I don’t mean healthy…I mean GOOD. I also take stuff to the neighbors that we are close to and that helps me feel festive too. The season is overwhelming….just no other way to describe it all at this point. HUGS to you! Somehow we are all making progress here! We’ll all see it later.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks, Nansie. I have no contact with any family members except my parents, and after January 9th I will not be contacting them again. We just have to get through those few hours on that day and we’re done. We’ve talked about going to my grandmother’s wake when she dies. I don’t know, though.

      Last week I made two batches of cookies with Andes mint baking chips, one batch with milk chocolate chips, and today it’s sugar cookies and cinnamon-maple rings if I have time. They are supposed to be for the kids vacation and class parties, so I freeze them, but the kids find and eat them and hubby takes them to work.

      I deleted my Facebook account a short time ago. There were no family members, but I only had three persons I friended. I love those people, but we talk on the phone and email, so what’s the point?

      My husband and kids really help me, too. I’m trying to convince the kids that “Die Hard” is a good christmas movie, but it’s not working, so we’re watching “It’s A Wonderful Life”, “The Santa Clause”, “Elf”, “Nightmare Before Christmas”, “The Bishop’s Wife”, “The Muppet’s Christmas Carol”, and I need to find “Scrooged” today. They shot down my ideas for a “Star Wars” or “Star Trek” christmas marathon (complete with action figures!) with something like, “That’s not christmassy, Mom!”. Go figure.

      It is sooo overwhelming! Sounds like we might make it through, though. That’s my hope anyway. I’m trying to hold on to some hope to keep me going.

  5. I like #4. I once rewrote Christmas. Santa was a violent perv who went after the elves. The Mrs. and her lesbian lover found out what was happening and then they offed his ass and ran away together. Then Rudolph brought them to live in a small town in Florida that is populated by carnival folk. It’s a real town about an hour from me and the post office has a counter sized especially for dwarves. I figured the elves would like it there and no one would think it was odd to keep reindeer as pets.

    • roseroars Says:

      Oooooo…….love the lesbian Mrs. Claus! I’ve been singing “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” with either a Communist or Nazi slant. It makes me laugh anyway.


  6. Nansie Says:

    You’ve got a good attitude Lisa and that helps alot! Good luck with the last of the hours with your parents….Try to focus on the end result and not get stuck along the way. Easier said than done. You have a wonderful family now and so much to enjoy with them. The holidays will be over in a few weeks and then we can all focus on spring? We’ll be in the height of our winter snow storms then but those are fun too. Take good care of yourself!

  7. tai0316 Says:

    Lisa you are awesome! Rudolph with an uzi? I like it! And thank you so much for the recipe! Now all I can taste is lemon bread and I’m going to have to make it 😛

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you, Tai! I think Rudolf would be just as well off with a Tommy gun, plus the sound of that would be more dramatic.

      I hope you try and enjoy the bread! You only need one lemon for it, but it’s hard to wait until the next day to eat it.

  8. Wow Lisa, I wish I had your energy and creativity! You are amazing.


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