We made us a house

December 12, 2010

The people inside (who are NOT paying rent)  made a house all by themselves. I found it the other night while trying to make some sense of the chaos that’s been going on  inside lately. There are several large, brightly-lit rooms but very little furniture. The walls are almost pastel yellow with white moulding. In one corner there is a half-finished staircase leading upstairs, which hasn’t been built yet. There are two doors that I know of. One is in the living room and the other is a large, steel, locked and bolted door which leads to the Forbidden Basement (a young part’s name for it).

People are moving about rather freely within the house, though some seem to prefer staying in separate areas, and not all are aware of each other.

Some of the hellish images and chaotic noise has been coming from the area of the Forbidden Basement. The insanity that I felt was a combination of whatever is in the basement mixed with younger parts pushing against the door to close it. Once I realized that I made sure that door was closed and locked. I don’t know what triggered those images and noises yet, and I don’t want to dwell on it, either.

I have no conscious memory of helping to create this home and I was confused and impressed when I discovered it. It also makes me feel shitty, because I have been neglectful in this area. Sometimes things happen so fast that I can only cope and forget to check in on everyone inside.

I didn’t think I would create a house, because this house is similar to the one I grew up in, structurally. I was planning on a cozy cave, like some of the ones I’ve seen pictures of in Australia. Everything inside is different, though. I didn’t think I had any deep, dark, evil stuff either. Some are holding secrets and had experiences that made them feel that way, but I’m not prepared to deal with that now.

Between my husband, my therapist, the few things that have arrived in the mail that I bought unaware, the drawings, and the journal entries it appears that I am losing time, switching, and just zoning out. You know that feeling you get when you become so dizzy and tingly, and then it feels like you are being wiped off of your own face? I’m fighting that every day lately. Not the entire day, since I seem to be losing that particular fight every so often. However, I did buy some really nice Hanes shirts and sweats for everyone but me, and got free shipping! Even when I dissociate I’m a good shopper.

Last Friday, during therapy, she told me to call whenever I need to during the holiday if I need to talk. I hate that. What did she see during our session to tell me that? I have another appointment this Wednesday and then I’m on my own for a little bit before I see her again.

This was supposed to be a ho-hum holiday. I think that if I’m doing much of the work in the body I should have more say in what goes on, but noooooo……..



10 Responses to “We made us a house”

  1. I'm DID & so am I Says:

    Your parts seem strong enough to build there own house. Pretty amazing. I interpret it as getting stronger. Or just felt the need to refurbish? I’ve made special rooms for most of my parts. I’ve noticed, like you, some don’t know the others exist. I used to have a quiet room for my parts for when the tough got tougher. But now have had to add a few more. D, the extremely angry one, has his own room.

    Have you ever had the feeling of a part starting to possible remember something, but that’s as far as it goes? I can’t really describe the feeling. And it seems they’re trying, but I’m subconsciously blocking what they’re feeling and seeing. Am I making sense?

    I’ve had parts, when I’ve lost time actually purchase things I can use. Not to often though.

    My insanity has gotten worse, think it’s the holidays. Plus every 11th of a month is difficult, expecially yesterday. My dad died on the 11th and it was a Saturday. My assult also was on a Saturday, the 11th. Double whammy.

    I’m sure your therapist has your best interest in mind and wants you to be safe during the holidays. It doesn’t necessarily mean she saw something, wouldn’t she have mentioned it? I’m just speculating.


    • roseroars Says:

      Yes! I can feel the part slowly coming up with the memory and then it just dissipates. It’s frustrating. I’ll say, “It’s okay. Let’s work through this together.”, but it never finishes. I agree that it’s probably a subconscious block.

      I’m sorry about the double whammy. That sucks. Usually I just zone out holiday-time and paste a smile on my face for the kids.

      Family won’t leave me alone right now. I’ll write more later.

    • roseroars Says:

      I didn’t feel so much like I was getting stronger, as much as they were tired of me being lazy or forgetful.

      I also noticed extra rooms which were very peaceful and full of soft cushions and plush toys. Some rooms were empty. Come to think of it….everything was pretty quiet.

      Yeah, you’re right about my therapist. She did it at the end of the session so I got to think about it the rest of the day.

  2. Nansie Says:

    Hey Lisa! Maybe your parts are ready to show you something and maybe they want you to see that the house is cleaner this year than others? When I read this all I could think is that the parts are going back to the place and time that they know and want to repeat the situation with a happy ending this time so they can finally put it to rest? I always remember the saying that we’re doomed to repeat the past until we get it settled. Just a thought.
    With healing, each year we’ll be more and more in the present than the year before…with new awarenesses….some good and some not so good. It’s progress though. Hard as it is at times our journey is going forward now in spite of good days and bad days.

    I know my therapist will tell me to call him anytime quite often. I think he wants me to know I am not alone with this, especially during the holidays. Holidays are something therapists are really aware of with their clients…they know from their training and experience that we need them more during certain events than others. Plus I also feel comforted by the thought that I can call him anytime and he will sit with me and talk thru whatever I need help with. I find that thought so soothing that I’m able to get thru stuff without being afraid while knowing I have a backup plan.
    Hang in there…we’re all in this with you. You and your parts can build a home now and have it be any way you want it to be…your all in charge of that now…not anyone else. BIG HUGS to you….I’m with you on all of this.

    • roseroars Says:

      I wish they could have chosen a condo in a mild climate, or a toasty log cabin in a forest, but it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable.

      Sometimes I think I’m just doomed in general…..

      Thank you very much, Nansie!

  3. tai0316 Says:

    First I have to say that you’re exactly like me on the shopping! Even when I dissociate or when I’m manic, I never pay full price for anything lol!

    Ok, now for serious stuff. I am so impressed with you myself. Nice house. You’re doing thing internally that you don’t even know about. I think it’s very much ok not to deal with stuff you’re not ready for. I wonder if the whole holiday thing has you switching and dissociating more? This may be a rougher time for you but if you know that, you’ll be forewarned and forearmed. I agree with jo about the memories too. It’s ok, take CG’s advice and “go gently”. There’s no rush.

    • roseroars Says:

      It’s so funny that I get great deals and am not even aware of it. Sort of wish I’d gotten something for myself, though, but knowing how this has happened in the past, buying for others justifies my buying at all.

      Yeah, this season has me in a stranger, scarier place than I’ve known as long as I can remember. Anything over 13 years old I have no memory of yet as far as holidays go.

      Thanks, Tai!

  4. castorgirl Says:

    Sounds like they took your idea of the safe room, and ran with it 🙂

    Nansie made a great comment about creating a better outcome for yourself this time around. It could be a mix of creating what is familiar, and wanting to change the outcome now that you have control. If nothing else, it sounds like there’s some safety being created.

    It sounds more like your therapist was doing some reassurance about availability, more than noticing something not being right. I sometimes get this reassurance too. She often repeats it, almost like she’s trying to convince us that we’re not a hassle… silly woman.

    I hope the silly season is kind to you…
    Take care of yourself,

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks, CG. There is some safety being created inside. I started to work on it some time ago, but haven’t taken the time to keep it up. I do have a tendency to return to familiar ground in outside life, so that makes sense.

      The week before last I asked why she (therapist) wanted to bother, how could she still care or want to help, why would she stick with me for over a year, does she just want the money, and how I don’t think I’m worth the effort. So, yeah, I think you’re right on that one, too.

      It’s so reassuring and helpful to read these comments from all of these wonderful people. You can see my blitherings from a distance and offer such good advice and support. That means so much to me. Thank you.

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