November 10, 2010

Above my head and over to the right is where an emotion might be. Since it’s over there I can’t reach it or feel it, but I know it’s there.  On the other side, perhaps farther to the left, are images. It is like watching a movie. Below me, also out of reach, are physical sensations. They are below me, but they can move up and into my body sometimes.

I like them separated that way. Everything has its place and it’s not too close to me.

When they all come together at one time it makes Lisa throw her glasses off, cry spastically, claw at her face, hide in her coat, shake uncontrollably, and want to hurt, hurt, hurt  herself.

That younger girl was really out. Weird. I had no control.

Today was a big step for me in therapy. We got through it, I am not in the hospital, and everything ended with me being sarcastic and able to breathe. I looked horrible, though.

It was easy to slowly work through memories and start identifying emotions bit-by-bit, but I can see the benefits of experiencing everything at once in a safe space and working through it that way. It felt like I was there for a week. It’s not over for that particular memory, and I’ll probably take back everything I’m saying later, but I came out okay afterward. It felt calm and peaceful for at least 30 minutes or so.

Did you ever feel like, “Wow! That was intense! Bring me another memory! I can do this shit!”? That’s how I felt at the end of the session.

Just wanted to share that.



7 Responses to “Processing”

  1. Grainne Says:

    *Cheers for you!!!! Take it on as you can Lisa! 🙂

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks! It won’t last, and new memories and feelings are coming up, but I glad I got through that one in one piece.

  2. I'm DID & so am I Says:

    Great job. Give me some of your strength.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you, Jo. It was just one hour of strength, but it’s a start. I think it will only happen in her office for a while. It’s the only safe space I have.

      I put one hour of strength in an express UPS package for you.

  3. tai0316 Says:

    Good for you!!! 🙂

    So happy that you handled it like a pro! Check you out.

  4. castorgirl Says:

    Stick to being in the present… allow yourself to breathe easy after a rough, but rewarding session, and remember it’s ok to celebrate the little and big victories.

    Take care,

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