more embarrassment in public (ranting)

November 7, 2010

Little girls are not very good cooks. They don’t drive well, either. They interact very well with girls their own age, but have trouble communicating with their parents. They tickle, eat candy, and squirt water at people. Some of those people are her own children, but in the moment they are just other little girls. She gets strange looks from parents when she’s talking because she isn’t talking like a 43 year-old. So…….

1. Attempt to have conscious control at school functions.

2. You are not 8 or 9 years-old physically. There is no memory of those ages, either.

3. It’s called a whisk, dipshit. You’re cooking meatloaf, potatoes, and gravy.

4. No, I will not be at the party. My daughter will be. Sorry for the confusion.

5. A belly-button lint Bratz doll is not a good conversation topic.

6. You’ve seen Aladdin 4 million times and you’ve never cried at the end before.

7. Yes, you do drive a minivan.

I hate it, hate it, hate it. When I go out in public I make a complete ass of myself. There was one person at my daughter’s musical who actually likes me and she just giggled. Any other adults I came into contact with just stared or frowned at me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

At least I’m not volunteering at the school this year.

I don’t know if I’m switching, co-conscious, or just letting my guard down around the kids. I think I was caught up in the story, songs, and the fun the kids had on stage. Whatever it was I hope there isn’t another school function for a while. Someone even walked up to me and said, “Lisa? Hey, Lisa?”. Grrrr…..that was really embarrassing.

Maybe if I close my eyes real tight and wish extra, extra hard some people will forget I was ever there today. Sometimes when I’m so in that space, even before the DID diagnosis, I have no idea how my behavior looks to others.


7 Responses to “more embarrassment in public (ranting)”

  1. I'm DID & so am I Says:

    I can only imagine what it’s like for you. I’ve never, every had any memories of my other parts. I lose the time and then look for evidence.

    Don’t forget to click your heels three times while wishing.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks, Jo. It’s only been recently that memories from other parts are coming through. Sometimes I miss those days when I find myself standing in front of my stove, or in a store and wonder what I’m doing there.

  2. tai0316 Says:

    You know, the first thought I had was that, my younger parts would so love to hang out with your younger parts πŸ™‚

    In my mind I see you as such a cool kid and I think it’s great that you all enjoyed yourselves and got to experience that kind of fun. Maybe that’s stupid of me but I guess I want you to have what you missed out on and if other adults don’t like it they can go to hell. I know that doesn’t help you to feel ok in public though and I really do understand what you’re saying, I just want people to leave you alone and let you have fun.
    I had that happen with the ice cream cone, when one of my parts really enjoyed having her own cone all to herself without our mother taking it away from her and eating most of it before giving it back. That same part thinks that the daughter of one of our friends is just the coolest kid and she wishes that they could play together because she didn’t have friends but I have to explain to her why people wouldn’t understand that. Maybe you’ll have some good memories come from these parts, something that will make you smile. I also understand the simplicity of the days when all we did was lose time *sigh* the good ole days huh? πŸ˜‰

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks, Tai. I think I’m nuts and need to censor myself in public. The woman who likes me thought I was doing it on purpose to drive certain busybodies away. Maybe I was.

      I never thought about having younger parts play together. That’s a neat idea. Next is a parent-teacher conference in half-an-hour. By the power of Greyskull I will only say “Yes.”, “No.”, “Okay.”, “We’ll have to work on that.”, and “Hmmm….I didn’t know that.”!

      • tai0316 Says:

        LOL! The power of Greyskull is all you need hehe and maybe He-man’s sword or She’ra’s sword or just a sword…hmmm…

        You show those parents and teachers whose boss! πŸ˜‰

  3. Hi Lisa,

    Have you considered having a talk with these young parts about what each of you need and how those needs can be met? Like, you need to be present and in control at school functions, and they need play time, perhaps at home with the outside kids (if that’s possible) or just home alone. I don’t know if you’re able to do this yet or not, but I think it’s worth a try. Afterall, all your parts ultimately are there for the good of all of *you*, so it makes sense to do what works for everyone. (hope I explained myself okay there).

    Take care,

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you, Dawn. I try to remember to go over some rules, suggestions, and ideas before going to any kind of school thing (yesterday was a parent-teacher conference). I just get so flustered with people milling about, trying to remember kids and parents and teacher’s names. If I’m too flustered it feels like I get turned inside-out.

      Today and tomorrow are going to be busy and I’ll be out a lot. I have been trying to go over some rules and that starts me crying. There goes my makeup and I’m not out the door yet. Tomorrow is therapy so maybe I’ll have a chance to ask. Disturbing flashbacks and sensations have been happening recently, so we may not have time to talk about it.

      There has got to be some middle ground here. Thanks for the advice. I will try to get some drawing and/or playing time in, too. Maybe start on this:

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