November 5, 2010

I don’t want to feel like a little girl anymore. Sometimes it felt good and she can’t understand why the rest of the System is reeling.  When it was scary it was very scary. I used to be two years old, and I know what it felt like to live in that little body. Names and faces of people I haven’t thought about in years are back. I felt funny about them back then and I’m learning why. I know why some people disappeared from my life so completely and no one ever mentioned their name again. I’ve learned why I behaved certain ways when I was with certain people, even if we weren’t alone. I know why certain people stayed away from me. I know that some people suspected something bad was happening and were so very nice to me. I was a very strong, strange girl.


This flood gates are open, but that’s the way I work in general. Get it out, get it over with and deal with it. So it’s coming up and out. I’m very good in emergency situations. I react quickly, seek help and provide immediate first aid. It’s just odd applying such skills internally.

So I switch frequently, even in therapy sometimes. I’m dizzy most of the time, I vomit nearly every day, and my vision is often blurry. On the up side, the house stays moderately clean, my System is communicating better, people get where they need to go, and there is food on the table. If I can maintain that I think I can stay safe.

Be good to yourselves.


18 Responses to “remembering”

  1. tai0316 Says:

    I thought this was a beautiful post Lisa. Even though you suffer there was a kind of peace in here that I found comforting. You sound like you know yourself and you’re understanding your past and dealing with the effects now. You sound so put together, I love it!

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks. I’m certainly getting to know myself, that’s for sure. Some of the pieces are filling in, and some of the reasons behind why I do strange things are being revealed. I suppose that’s good. I don’t know.

  2. Nansie Says:

    Hey Lisa,
    Your post is a good one. I can identify with so much of it too. You are so strong to be able to maintain your life while going thru this stuff. I work really hard at this too. Going into auto-pilot helps me alot. Do you have that? I think we all do with DID. The dizziness is a killer for me-it happens in my forehead and in behind my eyes which is also where I get my headaches. I shut it down real quick before I vomit. This stuff is so intense at times it’s amazing. But I do like your post and glad you are safe!

    • roseroars Says:

      I tried autopilot, but it’s time to get through some of this crap while doing stay-at-home-mom crap, too. It’s exhausting.

      Thanks, Nansie.

    • meredith Says:

      Squirrels don’t like safflower seeds, but chickadees and nuthatches like them. I think the finches do, too.

      The only other kind of seed we keep in feeders is thistle seed for the finches.

      I’m all for the birds. 🙂


      • roseroars Says:

        The squirrels stay away from the safflower-only feeder and the sunflower/safflower one, but are desperately trying to get the seed& berry feeders and the sunflower one. They don’t try to get the thistle seed, either. Those are hanging just out of their reach, but they lost their home this summer, so I leave them bread and seeds where they can find them.

        At the moment we’re having Woodpecker Wars between the duskys, hairys, and red bellies, so I put another suet feeder out this weekend.

        It’s like a wildlife preserve here now but I love it.

        Oh, the kids decided that the nuthatches are the ninja birds, titmice are sharks, and the chickadees are the Walmart greeters of birds.

  3. meredith Says:


    This is never a fun passage.. I’m forwarding my Medicine Blanket via Air Head Mail immediately.

    Sometimes, vomiting is part of flashbacks. The dizziness that comes with switching is so hard… is there a specific place in your house where you can curl up when you need to calm your system in these times? I used to have a place on the floor near the heater where I could lie down and just focus on the blue flames while the memories worked their way out. It was easier than fighting them, or trying to control them… and that was the way I stayed safe.

    I put a bird feeder out in the yard, yesterday, after hearing from you. I don’t know, exactly, what it symbolizes… but two goldfinches found it, and I sent their gold flickering your way.

    Standing by you,

    • roseroars Says:

      I don’t have a safe place here, but I’ll try to figure out something. I’m so paranoid.

      Watching the birds has been my favorite thing this year. The red-bellies and pine siskins are back, the goldfinches are changing into their winter clothes along with the purple finches, and the grosbeaks are heading south. Yesterday I used some grocery money to buy a heated birdbath so they have open water this winter. I swear the chickadees leave notes or have some telepathic powers they use on me for those things. We are on our fourth and fifth generations with some of these bird families. I hope to get them to eat from my hands soon. They just keep eating or looking around when I’m right next to them or under them, but they haven’t pooped on me yet. I also hope to see the robin we took care of this summer return next spring. He has an odd marking on his tail feathers, so we should be able to tell.

      You made me prattle on about my birds. Thank you.

      • meredith Says:

        Oh, well the birds teach us how to fly… so you’re right on target with your prattling. I love my back yard neighbors. They truly delight me.


  4. castorgirl Says:

    You are a strong person. Strong people still hurt, get confused and need help. But, there’s a strong foundation within them. This post is filled with strength, yet vulnerability…

    I love reading about the different birds you have over there… creates hours of searching for what they look like, and their calls.

    Take care,

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks. I am keeping a list of all of the species of birds that visited this year and there are over 30. My grandfather used to do a backyard bird count through Cornell University (which is an hour from me) and I think I will apply to do that next year. We like to pretend we’re changing the evolution of the birds here since we got the mourning doves to perch and eat, and the robins to come up and eat worms and suet with us. The ruby-throated hummingbird family (2 girls & a boy this year) come to our hands, but haven’t perched on them yet. Maybe next year. It’s nice to have them so comfortable with us.

  5. Nansie Says:

    We used to have several bird feeders out and I loved watching them. I think it is so cool that cardinals travel with their mates. We got a little of everything at our feeders. However, since we had the fattest squirrels in town….we decided to take them down for a while. No matter what type of feeder we bought they found a way in. So we’re on break from feeders until we find a better plan. 🙂

    • castorgirl Says:

      Have you seen the Squirrel obstacle course? It’s a pretty old clip, so you probably have; but it shows how determined and cunning the squirrels can be 🙂

    • roseroars Says:

      I’m sorry the squirrels got to your feeders! They are smart . Maybe you could play around with different places to hang them. Before our squirrels lost their home this summer I would sneak up on them, yell really obnoxiously, and shake the tree (or window if they were near that). They never came back near the crazy lady’s feeders. I feel bad for them now. They can only reach one feeder, but I try to leave enough food for them when I can because I feel bad for them. Two of our maples were hollow on the inside and the DOT had to chop them down since they posed a threat to the house and road. A lot of animals lost their homes. 😦

      The domed feeders which only have enough room to let in the smaller birds work really well, but they’re not cheap, either. Another option are the corn feeders for squirrels, but if it’s not regularly stocked they will try to get back in the feeders. Sometimes arranging them a certain way will work, too. It took us an entire season to get it right.

      • Nansie Says:

        The domed feeders are expensive. Just when we think we have a plan…the squirrels outdo us. haha They would also tip the feeders so that seed fell out all over the ground..come spring I’d have all kinds of things growing there and the ground would be all spongy. UGH. Even though my cat would sit and watch them they still kept on eating without a concern. My dog will chase them once they hit the ground but boy are they fast. Hubby wants to get a bunch of beer, invite his “red-neck” friends over and sit on the back deck with BB guns. We really are crazy around here but I’m almost agreeable to this plan! haha

  6. Nansie Says:

    HAHAHA CG Thanks for that video on the squirrels! I hadn’t seen that but it explains everything! Hubby and I finally gave up on our bird feeding adventures…such a bummer cuz we really enjoyed them. I will talk to him tho about the different seeds that squirrels don’t like. We really did have the fattest squirrels in town…and they told their friends who also told their friends…..

  7. Astrid Says:

    I want to let you know I empathize. I switch a lot too, and while I don’t get nauseous from it, I do get blurry and dizzy and very tired. Also being a little girl can feel good and it can feel bad. My little carries lots of sadness, so that is bad. OTOH, it has to come out somehow.

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