One secret down….

October 28, 2010

I told one of my biggest, biggest secrets today in therapy. There were no psychic assassins stationed outside of the office door. No one followed me home or tried to kill me at the video store. McDonald’s didn’t poison my food. My dogs didn’t attack me when I got home. There wasn’t a bomb in the mailbox.

So, the secret is out there and I’m okay on the outside. Not so good on the inside, though.

I even printed it out and my therapist didn’t set it on fire or turn into some hellish creature and threaten me. She nearly started to cry and I didn’t know if I should feel guilty about that.

That’s all. I am so fucked up. Back to Coping Land again.


21 Responses to “One secret down….”

  1. tai0316 Says:

    I’m proud of you. No matter what the secret was, you were strong enough to tell, you shared a burden that you were carrying on your shoulders and you survived. Sometimes telling is the hardest part and then waiting to see how someone reacts.

  2. Paul Says:

    A huge step for you. Congratulations.

    I’ve been following your blog, but things have been a bit chaotic so I didn’t comment on the recent ones. Though I was struck by your flashback experiences. And also the intimacy post with the Mark Berkery quote. There was so much that hit home there for me in both those posts, so I felt like it was safest not to say anything. But I should say that you are not alone. Especially the comment about why you did strange things as a child. That’s hard for me to accept a lot of times.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you, dear. I really enjoy reading Mark’s page with its pictures and his insights. I wonder if he realizes the way his observations of such a tiny world reflect in the great, big world.

      Thanks for writing.

  3. I'm DID & so am I Says:

    I couldn’t help but laugh while reading your first paragraph. It’s so true. Why we think that way is rediculous. But, it’s all about what happened to us.

    Good for you, telling your secret. I held a secret I was going to take to my grave.Took many years to finally tell and none of what you mentioned happened to me either!

    I never like it when people say they’re fucked up. Hell we are though.

    I go to therapy tomorrow, cancelled earlier this week. I’ve got lots of shit to get out, don’t know if it will happened. So easy to put off.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks, Jo. I’m so glad you could relate to those thoughts! Later I was thinking, “Eek gads, woman. You’re 43 and waiting for psychic, government, ninja spies to leap out and make you ‘disappear’ like they did in the USSR or something.”. That was really what went through my head for hours, though.

      Good luck in therapy tomorrow. I hope you’re able to get that shit out and feel better.

  4. meredith Says:

    One of the best things about you, Lisa, is that you can make the most distressing situation hilariously funny. And it’s causing some serious angst with me, at the moment, because I feel so bad about how hard I’m laughing.

    I’m laughing because I know exactly where you’re coming from. I know! I did it, too. I came to that anti-climactic irony on my way home from the post office, after therapy, one day. Your post took me right back to that VOILA! moment.

    But wow. It’s really scary, too. You did a really brave thing today, Lisa. I hope you rest well, tonight. You’re such a warrior.


    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks. I think I look at the world on a slant as a protective measure.

      It makes me feel better that you understand how I was thinking about that.

  5. Nansie Says:

    Awe Rose this is huge!!! It is huge to me also cuz my time is coming as well. You might feel scared but that is because you are still watching for the shoe to drop…guess what? It’s not going to and suddenly when you realize that it will be like fireworks just went off! I am very excited for you and some of your parts must be excited about this too. I have begun this process with my T and over the years now he hasn’t told me to leave, or that he is going out of business, or that I need someone else to help with this stuff. He has been like “bring it on”! When I was a child I was convinced that if I told certain things life as I know it would end or my parents would die and I’d never see them again. To me this represented the end of me as well. I don’t know if it’s similar to what you experienced or not but now when I tell stuff I have parts that scurry around inside very scared looking for a place to hide. I have to tell them repeatatively that nothing bad is going to happen to them and that I am protecting them now and things will be different. How supportive you or I would be if this was our daughter coming forward and telling about being victimized or something like that. Give yourself that kind of support too. You deserve it…you and I both kept secrets for decades and suffered for it…poor little parts inside…they are real heros for what they went through and protected us from!
    I am so happy to hear this and I am cheering you on! YOU GO!!

  6. castorgirl Says:

    The okay on the outside will hopefully settle the inside. As you say, it’s out there, and no one rejected you, hurt you or any of those other things we fear will happen. It may take sometime for those parts of the system who held those old fears, see the truth… that you can keep yourself safe from those people who hurt you in the past.

    Please take care… look for the hope and bright spots around you.

  7. That’s fantastic, as scary as it feels. Great job. I definitely understand how hard it must have been and how scary things feel right now. But you did it!

  8. Bee Says:

    Wow this is so good! I’m so proud of you! I know what you mean by “assassins stationed outside the door.” When I told one of my biggest secrets to my T, I refused to leave her office until someone went and searched the parking lot. And then someone had to walk me out to my car. It’s crazy that I had to do that but I guess it all has to do with the programming and what went on. Thanks for sharing this, I’m so glad you were able to take this huge step.


    • Nansie Says:

      Good for you Bee! I love reading about this stuff cuz it helps me in this way too. We all were sworn, threatened to keep secrets and it’s so hard now to get it out there even to our T. I write stuff in my blog sometimes and parts get scared. I find myself in constant reassurance to them somedays that they are safe and I’m protecting them now. Programming is unbelievable as things come to awareness for me. It never ceases to amaze and shock me. Keep up the good work.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks, Bee! Nice to see you.

  9. Lothlorien Says:

    It is scary to begin sharing our secrets. How brave of you to start that process! Sounds like your therapist feels a lot of empathy for you. Try not to feel guilty. Her tears are her care for you, and you are worthy of that care and support. I am glad that, scary as it was, it went well.


  10. Astrid Says:

    I just discovered your blog and want to let you know I find it very good. Also, as to your post, disclosure of secrets can feel incredibly difficult indeed. I felt the exact same way you describe when first coming out about being multiple to my psychologist. I was sure something disastrous would happen, but nothing happened except that it opened a door to healing.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you very much. I appreciate you stopping by and commenting. I’m still reeling from it, but for the next three days I will be babysitting a 22 month-old girl and I hope she will be a delightful diversion.

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