October 18, 2010

I am invisible. They don’t see me or hear me even if I raise my voice. They walk past me as if I were a ghost. I’ve cried around them, gotten hurt around them and there is no response. I’m standing still on the shore and dark, powerful waves of memories beat against my body one after another after another. I’m bleeding and nobody cares. When I’m invisible like this I don’t eat and I don’t sleep.

I’m going to be very quiet around them now and see if they notice. If they don’t notice I don’t know what I should do next.

Therapy is Thursday and I want to ask about these new memories I have as well as my new invisibility powers. This has me very confused. I feel much like I did growing up, and I don’t understand how this happened. There is a great, gnawing ache inside. This is weird.


13 Responses to “Invisible”

  1. Nansie Says:

    AWE Rose…this sounds so lonely…I know that because I too know how it feels to be invisible. Our pain was huge as children and the folks that should have helped us didn’t. We, well I felt invisible too. Our pain did wash over us like tidal waves until we could dissociate it away and survive. That really was our only option since the grownups let us down so badly. But then also once we dissociated our pain became invisible even to us…that’s how we were able to go on. This will be great to talk about with your T and keep me posted! Hang in there girl!

  2. tai0316 Says:

    I agree with Nansie. Would it make you feel better to know you’re normal? No one heard us no matter what we did, and sometimes in this world the people around us don’t hear us either no matter what we do. That hurst. If you’re also having memories then that makes it harder for you. I’m so glad you have therapy on Thursday! I’ll pass on what meredith said to me recently: We hear you. In a way we “see” you too because you’re a part of our lives. You’re not invisible here and we love you. Keep talking ok?

    • roseroars Says:

      My chest feels so tight. I just watch them walk around like I’m not here. It’s confusing. Thank you, Tai.

  3. I'm DID & so am I Says:

    I understand the invisible plague. Been through it many times. I know I wasn’t heard because my screems were deep inside.

    I’m sorry you’re having new memories. Never a good time.

    Take care of yourself and I hope Thursday’s appointment gives you some relief.


    • roseroars Says:

      The more I trust my therapist the worse the memories, although I completely understand why I think or do certain things after I remember. Thanks, Jo.

  4. castorgirl Says:

    Sometimes, it feels like we have this huge flashing neon sign above our head saying “I’m hurting. Help Me. SEE ME… PLEASE”. But to everyone else, we look the same. May be our smile is a little more forced, our voice a little more flat, or our actions a little more stilted. We may even have swollen eyes from tears. But, not everyone around us will pick-up on that… or, they may attribute it to your surgery recovery. Have you talked to those around you about the tough time you’re having? Sometimes, they need some assistance in realising that you’re not invincible and need help.

    I say this, because I’m the queen at being in total chaos inside, while presenting to the world as if nothing is wrong. My body language shuts down, and even trained professionals have a tough time realising how bad things are… Like Jo says, the screams are buried deep inside.

    Sorry things are so rough… use your voice hear as you need it… we hear, see and can identify with what you are talking about.

    Sending positive thoughts your way.
    Take care,

    • roseroars Says:

      I did talk to them several times, sometimes in a nice Mommy/Wife voice, sometimes in a frustrated one. They even interrupt me while I’m talking & just ignore or not acknowledge what I’m saying. I don’t get it. I’m reacting to certain things like a little kid, too, and it’s hard to control that. I don’t know. Thank you, CG.

      • castorgirl Says:

        You could always try throwing a tantrum… Ok, may be not such a wise option, but might shake them up a bit.

        Sorry you’re hurting and not being heard, I really am…
        Take care,

      • tai0316 Says:

        I’m betting that it’s because you feel safe with your therapist. The more trust there is, the safer you feel, and more information comes internally because it’s safe. In a way it’s progress but it’s also awful. I’m really sorry. 😦

        On the family side, what kind of army can I send to help you out? Now I’m pissed on your behalf grrrr! Maybe they’re going through a rude phase and it will clear up suddenly. I’m with CG, I wish they would hear you. Sometimes they’ve surprised you in the past so maybe they’ll surprise you again. Don’t forget that we hear you.

      • roseroars Says:

        It may be a rude phase, or a “It’s been 3 weeks since your surgery. Why can’t you vacuum your damn self!” phase.

        I did throw a little tantrum when I tried to do my B-12 shot. I just couldn’t do it, I threw the needle and alcohol swabs, and then slammed everything down. So….I’ll try again later….yeesh.

        Thanks, you two.

  5. Hugs to you Rose. Be gentle with yourself.

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