I’m all mixed-up *Trigger*

August 5, 2010

Monday I remembered what they said when they hurt me in college. I already had the flashbacks a few weeks ago, and the details have been filling in ever since. I saw the common room, the curtains, and their faces. Nothing.

Tuesday afternoon I drove past the house where he started the sexual abuse and saw that it had been torn down and a small parking lot was in its place. Nothing.

Later that afternoon I had a flashback. I remembered where I was, what happened, and why I know so much about ceilings and ductwork. I heard the voice, felt the pain and the confusion. Nothing.

I can’t bridge the memory with the emotions. It still seems like it happened to someone else, but intellectually I know it was me.

During therapy today we talked about that bridge and how I will eventually get there. I could feel the emotions trying to surface, but another voice broke in and said, “No time for that. We have to go to Gander Mountain and the grocery store after this. You can’t go there as a mess.”. I told her about that voice and she feels (so do I) that I’m protecting my kids more than myself. I don’t want them to see me broken. We agreed that until the kids start school again it may be very difficult to make that connection.

Now I’m home and it feels like a battle is raging inside. Some want to scream, some want to forget, and some are wondering what we are going to do with the ground beef for dinner. Cooking Mommy is winning.


7 Responses to “I’m all mixed-up *Trigger*”

  1. meredith Says:

    I have a HUMAN friend who is called Screams with Salt (yes I do! She goes by Essy, publicly, but that is her name). Just in case…


    • roseroars Says:

      Where did you find a human friend? I thought Rent-A-Friend went out of business. You can only find friends on the Internet now, ya know…

  2. meredith Says:

    (those close to her just call her Salt.)

  3. tai0316 Says:

    I understand the ‘not having time for this’ thing. I’ve stright out told my therapist that we couldn’t “go there” right now because I had stuff to do and I didn’t have time for that. Maybe parts of you are ready to make some more progress but part of you is holding back because it’s not quite the right time yet, but it will be soon. Sometimes it seems like certain parts want to get something out of the way and dealt with and they get pissy when they are held back. Maybe that’s where the intenral conflict is coming from? I don’t know I’m still new to this. i think a breakthrough is coming for you and all your parts jsut need to be patient and then work together when the right time comes. Of course who am I? Maybe I know nothing 🙂

    • roseroars Says:

      I think a breakthrough is starting as well, but apparently it has its own timetable.

      You know lots and lots and lots. Don’t ever sell yourself short. You’ve done amazing things to survive and get this far. So conjecture away!

      Thank you very much!

  4. castorgirl Says:

    I have a feeling that there is a part in my system doing a “You shall not pass” maneuver. She kicks some serious butt… Gandalf could learn a thing or two from her…

    Sometimes the no affective response to situations is good. It’s kept us functioning for a long time. I can understand why your system wouldn’t want to risk an emotional connection to the pain while you’re in school holidays. I’m not sure about you, but my system will protect children at their own risk… that means emotionally and physically. I have a feeling you would too. So there’s lots of layers of protection going on.

    So one step at a time.

    If your therapist is up to the possibility, try visiting the place you talk about with her. I know of someone who went to places in their past with their therapist and it brought a whole new dimension to the experience – the therapist asked questions, and was there to support the young ones who would have otherwise hid or got confused.

    Take care,

    • roseroars Says:

      Wow. It would never occur to me to ask my therapist to go somewhere with me.

      It’s a mess inside, and several people are talking at once, but it never gets to the point where I shut down. I think you’re right about protecting the kids.

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