angry post *possible trigger*

July 29, 2010

It’s hard to be an adult and take new steps in DID Land.

It’s really difficult when you realize that your life is a result of survival techniques.

It’s discouraging to look in the mirror and see someone all grown up and no clue about who or what you are.

It’s scary to think about how you need to make new pathways, inside and out, when half of your life is already over.

It’s depressing when you know you need to learn all over again what it means to be a human being.

It makes me want to hurt myself and break things.

It makes me want to end everything for good.

It makes me want to hide.

It does not revitalize me.

I do not want to live life to the fullest because I have no concept of what life is.

I know now I’ve been surviving day-to-day and thinking about the future is very abstract and difficult to comprehend. I’m not even sure if I’ve taken any productive steps in this process yet. All I know is that I’m scared, I feel defenseless, I’m disconnected, and I don’t know what to say or do. I wish someone would tell me what to do. Why does DID have no clear paths? Make my own path? What the fuck is that all about? I’ve never heard of such a thing! I have no fucking idea what to do right now. Try new coping skills? I’ve worked really hard and practiced that and it isn’t working. I’m committed to getting better and I’m going nowhere. I don’t understand how this gets better. I’m supposed to give it time, time, time and what? Wait for a magical moment?

I won’t even write about the shit that’s going on around me. This is how I feel now and how I’ve been feeling for some time. This is so fucked up. I don’t expect comments on this stupid rant. I just wanted to write something out while I have a few minutes.


8 Responses to “angry post *possible trigger*”

  1. Hi Lisa,

    I don’t have the answers to your very valid questions, I’m sorry. I do understand though. All those things have conerned me at some time and most keep coming back. I had a lot of them just last week. It sucks! It is so wrong that we had to endure the s*&@ in the first place, that we wasted years just surviving (and lot living), and that now we have to go through more s*&@ in hope of healing. It IS painfully slow and seeing progress is often so hard, especially in the beginning. Often others see it before we do and I do see you making progress, even though you can’t right now.

    Keep expressing yourself. Grab those precious few moments. Think ‘in the moment’ as much as possible. Know that I care. Know that others do too. Sending safe (((hugs))) if you feel okay with that. Please email me if you find it useful.


  2. tai0316 Says:

    Everything you feel is understandable and you have a very good reason for feeling the way you do, so I would never insult you or anyone else here or in our community of support by saying “don’t feel that way” because all of us feel that way or have felt that way or go back and forth between feeling that way. I will say that, the books I’ve read about DID keep making a particualr point: that the fact that we have DID means that we are incredibly smart, creative and strong people. For each of us, our amazing minds came up with a way to help us survive. Yes, that goes back to your point about lives being a result of survival techniques, but I try to see it as a mental strength on our parts. Not everyone is creative enough or strong enough to do what we did. Not knowing who you are means that as you make progress and you realize that the abusers don’t have any power over you anymore, it means that YOU can decide who you are. You can decide what you want. You can decide what you need. You can make yourself. And part of you is already made up of strength and creativity.

  3. castorgirl Says:

    Well, hell… you’re going to get comments whether you want them or not πŸ™‚ Associated with that… feel free to delete ’em if you don’t like ’em!

    First off… “The world is not always Just nor Fair” … yup, we got abused through no fault of our own, and now we have to shovel the muck to work our way out of it. That is not fair. It is not fair that we are hypervigilant, full of anxieties, self-injure… It just isn’t. It isn’t fair that our abusers carry on without a thought beyond annoyance that we are no longer their puppets, while we’re left with piles of muck.

    The only fair thing about it, is that we can chose to heal. We can chose to do the hard muck raking and prove to ourselves that we are worthy of love, care and attention. You are worthy of all of that an more. The abusers will probably never make that choice…

    It may not feel like it, but you’re kick arse strong. It may not feel it, but you are full of compassion and empathy. It may not feel it, but you are intelligent and creative. Regardless of the DID, you are these things. Because of the abuse, you used those attributes to survive the only way you knew how. That is amazing.

    Trick now, is to keep holding on for all your worth til the muck raking is noticeably lighter. It’s getting lighter with each connection you make internally, with each coping strategy you learn. Sometimes a bit falls back on us, and we have to redo a bit… but progress is there if you look for it.

    Yup, it still isn’t fair you have to do all of this. I wish none of us did.

    I saw you read Meredith’s latest blog… isn’t it awesome!! Remember her words of wisdom.

    You know the one thing that did my head in when I started this healing thing… I always wondered why I was falling apart now, when I’d lived so “normally” for so long… then I remembered the little things like having to always use the end checkout so that my back was to a wall. That little fact both pissed me off royally, and brought comfort. I wasn’t making it all up, and survival is part of my make-up. I survived the abuse, now I just need to survive me.

    Ok, ummm sorry for the rant. Feel free to delete…

    Take care,

    • tai0316 Says:

      Holy crap, I just have to say something here about the whole ‘back to the wall’ thing! I’ve done that in every situation since I was a kid! Is that why?! Man, I might need to blog about that. But CG is so very right in everything she said here: “kick arse strong” God I love that!

    • roseroars Says:

      Since I posted this I’ve been flooded with flashbacks. I really appreciate what you said, though. Thank you very much.

      • Castorgirl Says:

        I’m so sorry Lisa. Do everything you can to take care of yourself.

        Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts,

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