The “Call Me Irresponsible” Rant

July 22, 2010

It’s difficult to fall asleep lately. As soon as I hit the pillow I wonder if I’ll wake up in the morning. So, I have to make sure I can feel my heart beating  all night, if possible. Then night terrors – cannot feel my heart beating, panicking, sweating, trying to breathe – it’s been less than half-an-hour. I rearrange the pillows, leave my glasses on and feel for fuzzy animals. I wake up in a sweat, can’t breathe, panicking, etc. It’s been 17 minutes. This goes on for much of the night.

During the day the kids don’t leave me alone. Mommy Time has become Let’s Make Sure Mommy is Okay During Mommy Time. I’m never alone. No time to do therapy homework, read, do internal work, journal, or process the body memories that are beating me up.

During this crap, Bobby Darin’s version of “Call Me Irresponsible” has been playing over and over in my head. I adore Bobby Darin ever since I heard “Splish Splash” on Happy Days when I was a kid. Now I own every song of his I can get my greedy little hands on. “Call Me Irresponsible” is a good dissociation and perhaps DID song:

Call me irresponsible – call me unreliable
Throw in undependable too
Do my foolish alibis bore you
Well I’m not too clever – I just adore you

Call me unpredictable – tell me I’m impractical
Rainbows I’m inclined to pursue
Call me irresponsible – yes I’m unreliable
But it’s undeniably true – I’m irresponsibly mad for you

Hubby is a prick, as I expect him to be in the summer, but it’s wearing on me.

In therapy today I tried to talk about my mother trying to kill me, hubby the prick, body memories, night terrors, and no time for anything. She said this is probably the time to focus on coping. I feel I have coped enough. I think it is time for bazookas and Howitzers. I feel it is time to be rid of everyone who has, and or is, pissing me off at this time (children being the exception). She feels this is the time to tame my anger a bit until it can be released in a more constructive way. I think I need to invest in the illegal arms trade and get me some scud missiles. I also think I may be VERY overtired. However…..being both DID and bipolar does give me an alibi for just about anything……..

This rant was brought to you by severe child abuse and neglect. Remember – children are our future, so stomp on them and grind them into the dirt until they have no concept of who or what they are.

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19 Responses to “The “Call Me Irresponsible” Rant”

  1. meredith Says:

    I definitely think you are pissed off and irreverent enough to make a full recovery.

    ~meredith~

  2. roseroars Says:

    Yeah…..so? Tryin’ to mess with me? I’ll muss ya up, I will!

    Have a nice weekend, Meredith!

  3. castorgirl Says:

    I know this is terribly irresponsible… but part of me wants to poke you in the side and then sprint for the hills, just to see what’ll happen. There could be some deep meaning behind the urge – like getting you to burn off energy, directing your anger at me, releasing that anger in a safe way… but, I dunno… I’m actually pretty nasty, so it could just be for fun.

    On a more responsible note, I agree with Meredith…

    Take care,
    CG

    • roseroars Says:

      I’ll takes ya both on, see? Yer messin’ with the boss now, see?

      If I can’t make a joke or be sarcastic about things I’d really lose it, I think.

  4. meredith Says:

    Okay! This is how camps for ‘special kids’ get started!!! We definitely need to start having bake sales, golf tournaments, silent auctions, etc., and get this thing going. We’ll make rules ahead of time (like, Lisa cannot stomp any one on the head… we still need our heads… and we need Make A Wish sponsors to get Dawn and CG to the U.S.

    Yeah, BABY! Let’s take that energy to a pretty camp with a very long, unpronounceable name, and get the nasties out of our systems…

    It could happen… IT COULD!!

    ~meredith~

    • roseroars Says:

      How did you know I stomp around like Frankenstein monster, saying “Brains! Brains!” and randomly attack the kids? That’s just weird….

      I really want that camp (Abuse Survivors Who Eventually Got Dissociative Identity Disorder Among Other Disorders Such As Bipolar Disorder And Their Lives Got Totally Fucked Up Because Of It – ASWEGDIDAODSABDATLGTFUBI) to be real.

  5. tai0316 Says:

    Can I come to camp too? Wow, you are seriously pissed but I can’t fault you nor would I want to. Can you get out of the house for a while? I know this may sound weird but do you have a video game that involves shooting and blowing things up? It can be very helpful, trust me, personal experience. 🙂 You know I have DID and bipolar disorder as well, like you, so I get the whole double-whammy on the emotional and mental state thing. We gotta come up with something for you to do! You really need a mommy room with a door no one is allowed to knock on and your own time limit like your allowed to be in there for at least, what? An hour a day…two hours…three…24 hours? Probably not 24 huh? I think we should make up a name for a DID camp or something that gives us a kick-ass name and get shirts printed up that only we would understand. Anyone?

    • meredith Says:

      Okay. There’s another vote for camp! 🙂
      ~meredith~

    • roseroars Says:

      Of course you can come to camp! Instead of t-shirts we could have tattoos.

      • castorgirl Says:

        Now this is a camp I could go to… what sort of tattoo? how big?

      • tai0316 Says:

        We should SO design a tattoo! We’ll call it an “art project”lol

      • roseroars Says:

        Something completely arbitrary and makes no sense except to dissociative people…..a hippy buffalo with an umbrella….something like that.

      • roseroars Says:

        Wait, no….ancient Sumerian warrior accountants pushing baby carriages full of balloons eating spaghetti and flipping through Plato’s Symposium and laughing like they “get it”.

      • meredith Says:

        Okay, I opened my email and found your last comment about having a “hippy buffalo with an umbrella” and I laughed out loud–and hard–until JJ finally said, Well it wasn’t that funny…” so now I’m down to just chuckling about it… and I SO GOT IT! I laughed even harder when I realized that having a hippy buffalo with an umbrella is the perfectly appropriate, to my mind. I immediately went there… and now I’m going to have to leave the room because I can’t stop laughing.

        ~meredith~

      • castorgirl Says:

        You’ve done it now… young ones want our next tattoo to be a hippo – they don’t get the buffalo thing cos they’ve never seen one… but know about dancing hippos…

        Argh… some are soooo not impressed with the thought of a hippo in a tutu and holding an umbrella, being on our leg.

        Now I just have to avoid walking by a tattoo place for the next month 🙂

  6. castorgirl Says:

    Blog template changing in the time taken to add a comment = Mind trip 🙂

  7. meredith Says:

    I could use some camp time today…
    ~meredith~


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