Brutal, Geodon, HappyLand

July 20, 2010

Brutal, brutalized…punch, kick…choke, push…these memories that I should not have beat me up over and over. Until I know whose memories they are and have some semblance of what they are they just ride in on huge, brutal waves. I know you know what I mean, and I know it happens to you.

Last night I started on Geodon. Part of the patient information says that it may help me think more clearly, concentrate, and ease psychotic symptoms. So, they have found a fucking cure? Wow! I can’t wait! If I survive this latest round of side effects it’s so long DIDers! I’m off to HappyLand and the bus is full, baby.

It was going so well. I was getting a grip, eating better, exercising… This is what I always fear. Why get my hopes up if I have to battle through this again and again and again? Why bother anything? My therapist gets rich. My psychiatrist gets rich. I live through brutal emotional and psychological beatings from which there is a chance I may live a better life. Well, at my age it doesn’t seem like that “chance” is worth this crap. I’ll keep going because I don’t know what else to do, and I’ll keep ranting about it because I don’t know what else to do.

You can all come with me to HappyLand. I was just kidding about the bus being full. Bring your own snacks, though.


6 Responses to “Brutal, Geodon, HappyLand”

  1. tai0316 Says:

    Are there enough seats on the bus for all of us AND our alters? πŸ™‚ I know about the battle and the fear. All I can say is that sometimes it really, truly does work out. It can be a lot of trial and error and frustration and pain, especially with side effects, but sometimes you hit the jackpot and you get some of your life back maybe more than you thought possible. Just a note on the Geodon, I took it in the early days of tring out bipolar meds and we found out much later after I had stopped taking it that eating food was an important part because, I think, maybe you aren’t supposed to take it on an empty stomach or something like that.

    • roseroars Says:


      I am taking the Geodon with food.

      “…sometimes you hit the jackpot and you get some of your life back maybe more than you thought possible.” – I’m holding you to that! Thank you.

  2. Hi. I don’t understand all this med stuff. (I don’t take any). It sounds horrible though. I hope it can help you eventually and not just give you more to deal with. If you have really found the cure, let me know! I wonder if it’s just too late too sometimes, especially lately. But it seems to be part of DID to just keep surviving. What’s that about???


    • tai0316 Says:

      There are some meds that may be able to “suppress” the tendency to dissociate. I took a med a few years ago because I was having trouble with reality and fantasy colliding and skewing my thoughts (different from DID in this case) the meds I took helped to push the fantasy stuff back so reality could come forward. It was needed because the loss of control of my thoughts and perceptions was messing with my ability to function. I think it was actually a bipolar issue now that think about it. My doctor did prescribe something once we found out about the DID but I couldn’t tolerate the drowsiness it caused. Some times things do work and what works for one person may not work for another. As for the surviving, the reason we have DID is because our minds were smart enough and creative enough to help us survive. So yea us! Even though it doesn’t feel like it some times. πŸ™‚

    • roseroars Says:

      Oh, if I find the cure I will let you know, but it will cost you. Mwa-ha-ha!

      “But it seems to be part of DID to just keep surviving. What’s that about???” – I have no idea. After going through what we did as kids I really don’t know…

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