Stuff, Things, and Whatnot

July 19, 2010

Last week there was another meltdown at the therapist’s office. It wasn’t quite as bad as the previous one, but bad enough. She seems to be very concerned about my sexual self-injury (golly, I don’t know why…) and I lost it. I really don’t completely understand why I do it, but now I have some ideas and I walked out armed with some things I could do to try and stop or ease it. If anyone is interested I will write more about why I think I do it and the suggestions she came up with. If anyone would feel safer if I wrote it in an e-mail, please feel free to write to me at annerose0@gmail.com.(That’s a zero after annerose, by the way.)

I wanted to discuss my mother and how & why she’s trying to kill me (or if it’s all in my imagination), hubby’s lack of interest in anything I say, do, or feel, why WordPress takes so long to friggin’ load sometimes, why I’m afraid I’ll explode in front of the kids and how to manage that, etc., but no. I wonder if I walk in on Meltdown Mode she tries to get me to open up on subjects she feels are relevant, and not what I have written down.

There is virtually no communication internally now because I just don’t give a shit. Thoughts and images pop up and I just deal with them and use my coping techniques. I’m remembering some nasty shit, though, and the night terrors have returned. The days go by so quickly, I lose time, and I don’t care. Oh well. It could all change soon. I think that’s what is fun about DID – you just never know anything.

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6 Responses to “Stuff, Things, and Whatnot”

  1. tai0316 Says:

    You know with the therapy thing, some times there is a bigger problem that has to be dealt with or worked on even if it’s not what you wanted to talk about originally. BUT some times there are things you really need to get off your chest in order to progress and discuss other issues. My therapist doesn’t tell me what we should discuss unless something major has happened and she needs to know how I’m doing. If I have something that I need to talk about, I go in very straightfoward and I have my paper (sounds like you do too) and after saying hi and handing her the check, I dive right in saying “Ok, there’s some stuff I need to get out into the open…” All of your fears or concerns about your mother, husband, kids, WordPress šŸ™‚ it sounds like you need to take control for a moment and get those issues out on the table. Our therapists aren’t just there to help us with DID they are there to help us with all the issues and feelings we’re having about anything and everything. They’re a very valuable resource for you so use them šŸ™‚

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you. Maybe I’ll be a little more forthright (unless I meltdown again) next session. After all, I’m paying her! Ha-ha!

  2. castorgirl Says:

    This is tough… sometimes we do need the issues we bring into therapy addressed directly… sometimes what we bring in are covering issues or symptoms of something bigger that the therapist can identify because they’re a little detached from the situation.

    So, validation for our experiences are important, but it’s sometimes difficult to determine what the main cause for the distress is.

    I agree with tai, it’s important to have the issues you want to talk about discussed in therapy… that’s part of why we go, to deal with the stuff we’re facing. But I know that I sometimes avoid the big stuff by throwing up diversionary issues. Saying that… the things that you took in sure aren’t small issues… they’re really important.

    So yeah, tough. The sexual self injury is important too, and likely made worse by the other things you brought into the session. So, was the diversion the sexual self injury, or the issues with your husband and worries concerning your children? Only you can determine that. But whatever you decide was the immediate diversion, you need to make sure that you feel like you have a voice in therapy. Therapists are there to guide and assist, not drive the therapy.

    Take care,
    CG

    • roseroars Says:

      When I grow up I want to make sense and elucidate the way you do.

      • meredith Says:

        I think you grew up to be very fine, just the way you are, Lisa. This is a tough space–whether to address the most pressing issue, or digress.

        What struck me most was that you, yourself, discussed using your mom, hubby, and kids as a diversionary tool… so I think you’ve addressed your own issue, already.

        It’s okay to be apprehensive about addressing your self injury–I think the hardest part is getting past the “shame” ruse to get down to the business of what it reflects.

        Your blog just keeps on delivering, so I think you are very adept at elucidating, already. šŸ™‚

        Wishing you well.
        ~meredith~

      • roseroars Says:

        Thank you very much. Since last week I believe it was the right decision to work on the sexual self-injury. I guess that’s why she makes the big bucks.


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