Ramblings, Part 2B

July 5, 2010

A couple of months ago I left two books on one of our bookshelves in the hopes that my husband would catch a glimpse of them – The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook and Got Parts?. I was nervous about telling him my DID diagnosis and I thought I’d be oh, so subtle about getting around to telling him. It turns out that he not only saw the books, he also took a peek. The past week he has been calling me different names jokingly. If he can’t find what he’s looking for he says something like “Maybe it was Gloria who put it away.”, or something similar. We finally talked about it for a short time last night, and although he doesn’t believe I have DID (which is why I was reluctant to tell him) he does believe I have mixed episode rapid cycling bipolar disorder. He does understand my abusive background, and he is supportive of me (even when he is behaving like an ass), and I can count on him when things get bad. He does feel I am extremely dissociative, just not to a DID degree. I knew he wouldn’t agree and I can’t tell him exactly what’s going on inside, and that does hurt. Maybe he will see it differently in the future.

The abusers were at my house yesterday and they brought me things which I promptly threw away after they left. It was very fakey-fakey and pointless, but when they left I felt okay and did not have a meltdown. I made sure that all the younger parts I could round up were in a super-safe place and not aware of what was happening and that made such a difference. You could see in the abusers faces that they knew I was finished with them and that was a relief. Hubby was also there the whole time, but at the end of the day we were exhausted.

I complain about hubby a lot. He is an asshole, very self-centered, and has been abusive in the past (sometimes we marry what we know). On the flip side he is supportive, he loves me and his children, and he would kill for us. It’s confusing. I wish I could confide about my DID in him. There is only my therapist to talk to about that and I often feel lost without someone else to confide in about that. Too bad there isn’t a Buy-A-Friend store nearby……

Recently I started makingย  jewelry again and I’ve been using broken pieces along with the good pieces since that is how I feel. I’mย  also using necklaces or bracelets that have broken and incorporating them into jewelry, too. It’s no big deal, I just like stringing things together and wire-wrapping, and thought that would be a neat theme to play with. Plus, with children, there are often broken things around to work with. Hmm….that may a good project for the kids, turning our broken jewelry into new things…… This is what I did yesterday – the earrings are made from broken necklaces, and the bracelet is made from some broken clear quartz and green flourite and pieces that I couldn’t use in other projects:

I was also thinking, since I am having great difficulty with any other kind of child art therapy, that I may make a blanket out of scrap yarn. A bunch of leftover pieces put together into one. I wonder if I can’t do the coloring, children’s crafts, etc., because I never did as a child so I have no clue. I don’t know.

I’ve rambled on enough. May your day be pleasant and banal!

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13 Responses to “Ramblings, Part 2B”


  1. Hi Lisa,

    You were right about having similar husband issues. It felt kind of reassuring to read this post of yours. I could have written the exact same thing about mine, except that I’ve been diagnosed DID for ages and he gets it. I hope yours comes around in time and is more supportive with the DID.

    Love the jewelry! You are so creative.

    Dawn

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks! He thinks anything psychology or psychiatric-related is bunk. If he believed it was a valid science he would have to admit that he desperately needs therapy, and that would show weakness (or something like that).

      Jewelry is fun to make because you can redo it over and over again and incorporate just about anything into it.

  2. tai0316 Says:

    First, have I told you you’re amazing today? Well, I just did ๐Ÿ™‚
    About your husband, It’s a good start that he at least actually picked up the books and looked at them, so woohoo on that one *thumbs up* as for him accepting your diagnosis, has your therapist ever suggested that he come to one of your sessions where he can actually see one of your alters come out? My husband hasn’t seen anything like that but my therapist had him come to the first half of one session and by sheer luck I dissociated enough for him to least see that part happen. He left for the rest of the session so she and I could talk without an audience. Unless of course you wouldn’t feel safe having someone else there during your session. I just wondered if he actually saw an alter come forward just once if it would make a believer out of him.
    Another thought: is your husband really guy-minded? Like is he very logical or does he need guy-type proof of things instead of emotional stuff? I was asking because I have a psychiatrist in addition to a therapist. My therapist is female and my p-doc is male. I thought if you have a p-doc(medical degree) or a male doctor who could backup the diagnosis maybe it would make a difference because it would be coming from a doctor or perhaps a man. Just wondered.
    You turn so much bad stuff into the positive, you’re amazing.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you! I wouldn’t want hubby there. It’s too personal and I’m not ready to share certain things with him. He sees me dissociate often and has an annoying habit of snapping his fingers and saying something like, “Hello? Earth to Lisa.”. I hate that, but it always works. He has definitely seen different alters but he attributes it to moodiness, dissociation, and now bipolar disorder.

      You asked about guy-mindedness. He is extremely spiritual internally, but externally he needs physical proof. It wouldn’t matter if he spoke with my psychiatrist (he’s male also) because he still wouldn’t believe it.

      I’m feeling very much the opposite of positive, but I see what you’re saying. That makes me feel better. Maybe someone inside is flipping those particular switches!

  3. Brynne Says:

    You are so brave for having your abusers come into your house like that. I don’t think I could ever ever ever do that – not in a million years!
    The jewelry you made is so beautiful! It’s amazing what can come from broken things.

    -Bry

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you. Maybe I’ll write a bit about what the visit was like.

      You are so right about making stuff from broken things. It’s a very good exercise.

  4. meredith Says:

    The jewelry is beautiful.

    I’m glad you put the books out. It’s hard to know what another person is really thinking… I hope your hubby is reading and keeping an open mind.

    I think you’re doing good things. I bought a box of 64 Crayola crayons a few days after my diagnosis had settled in. Crayons, plain paper, and coloring books. Best gift I ever gave myself.

    Favorite color?

    ~meredith~

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you. I have been trying the coloring books, toys, kid’s crafts, among other things, but it’s not working. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I relax, try to get in touch with my younger self, but there’s nothing there to grab onto and play. Tomorrow I’ll ask the therapist about it.

  5. castorgirl Says:

    Good on you for protecting yourself while the abusers were around. I hope your strength gave them the message that you’re not going to have them in your life on any other terms but your own…

    I’m sorry that you can’t share with your husband all of what you are facing. Here’s hoping for a slow changing of that attitude to one of acceptance…

    Loving the jewellery ๐Ÿ™‚

    Take care of you and yours,
    CG

  6. roseroars Says:

    Thanks! They certainly did get the message, which I have been giving them for some time, and I stuck to it (Go me!). Hubby was great that day, too.

    It’s fun playing with jewelry and it’s not expensive. The important thing is to keep the cats off of the working surface or they will play with the beads.

  7. Lothlorien Says:

    Beautiful jewelry!!!

    As for your husband, if you are comfortable with it and he is willing, perhaps he can have an information/psycheducational session with your T to learn more about DID in general. My husband did that with my therapist and it helped a lot!! My therapist said I could be there when he came but I chose not to be. For one, I didn’t want to listen to them talking about my diagnosis. Awkward feeling. And two, I wanted my husband to feel free to ask whatever he wanted without worrying about how I might react. It turned out to be a positive thing.

    You do not need to “buy a friend.” I am here and so are others. I know it’s not the same, but I just had to say that.

    Lothlorien


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