I can’t live by your rules, man. *suicidal ideation trigger*

June 24, 2010

Therapist: “If you get to the point where you feel that you are seriously thinking about suicide then I want you to call me so we can work through it.”

Me: “Why? If I’m going to do it I won’t tell anyone. The kids will probably end up in therapy some day anyway, and this will just give them a head start. If I were to tell you then I may be in a hospital, hubby would have to stay home, family and his co-workers would want to know why, and it would be embarrassing and unnecessary. Everyone would treat me different and funny when I came home, and I’ve had enough of being treated funny. Better to go and be done with it then make a big deal about it. I won’t tell you or anybody else. It’s my decision.”

So, yeah, that’s how therapy ended this afternoon. I think I hurt her feelings and I feel bad about that, but I feel like a big disappointment in general, so it’s par for the course.

I had so many questions and she really helped to answer them or at least tell me how to start finding the answers.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve learned what many of the alter’s jobs are in my system. There is still chaotic communication, competition, and blatant take-overs, but…I’m learning. Coping techniques are out the window for now. I spend a lot of time remembering to breathe and touching the things around me (“There’s a chair.” “That is my cold drink.” “Here is the cat.” “I am safe now.”) to help ground myself.

Memories of abuse have taken a different turn as I’ve learned there were two separate things going on (The insiders are saying “Duh!”). Some important things are making much more sense now. That’s good. I could still do without reliving the events over again, but then couldn’t we all?

I really, really like the collage idea of Meredith’s, but I need to do it when the girls aren’t around or they will take all of the good pictures! You think I’m joking……. I’ll make separate collages with them another time. Kate1975 has some great ideas over here, too:


My therapist wants to see me a little more often. Gosh, I wonder why? I was being honest. I’m not going to sit there and lie to her. The whole point of this is to manage myselves and live better, but sometimes I just don’t wanna no more. Pffttt…….

15 Responses to “I can’t live by your rules, man. *suicidal ideation trigger*”

  1. ~meredith~ Says:

    Wow. Well said. (you may have nailed “succinct” a little too well for you therapist’s comfort zone… but you definitely nailed it.)

    Great post.

  2. ~meredith~ Says:

    P.S. I’m expecting years of entertainment from you, just so you know.

  3. “Why? If I’m going to do it I won’t tell anyone.” This is my stance on the issue too. I reckon that if I tell someone then that means I’m not serious because telling someone means I’m asking to be helped – a truly suicidal person doesn’t want that do they??? Actually, they probably do, but that’s my stance and I’m sticking to it (stubborn look on my face).

    I get what you are saying. Been there. Lots (unfortunately). I’m glad you told your therapist … and us. And you’re still trying new things! You are amazing!!!!

    Wishing you peace,

  4. roseroars Says:

    I think I am going to call her today and apologize for hurting her feelings. She had such a look in her eyes when I said that and now I feel guilty. At the very least it will make me feel better.

  5. ~meredith~ Says:

    The thing is, this may be a personal decision, but those who remain become keepers of the consequences. I know you really, really love your kids… and what happened to you was not their fault. But they will feel responsible, and they won’t know how to live with it.

    Neither would I. I wrote that you ‘nailed succinct.’ i didn’t know what else to write because my heart was pounding in my ears. I was scared because I know how fast a switch can happen, and that many of us have parts that are fixated on “being done.”

    I’m sorry I wrote with (not) humor. I was wrong to do this. Please, please let time go lightly this summer… and make a plan with your therapist.

    This is the hard HARD part of therapy. You just feel like you’re dying all over again, and it stinks, and I get it. But you know what? I worry about Jo a lot. i hope she’s okay.

    okay… now I’m overwhelmed.

    Wishing you peace,


    • I worry about Jo too. It was most disturbing the way she disappeared. I worried that I said the wrong thing or failed to say something useful. I’m sorry Lisa if I’ve sounded flippant above. I don’t mean to be. I also don’t really know how to deal with this kind of situation and say supportive things.

      Meredith you have written in a way I wish I could and I thank you for doing so. Others do feel responsible. I have to work so hard to remind myself that I’m not responsible for Jo, whatever has happened with her.

      Feeling sad. Wishing I could do more for you Lisa.


      • roseroars Says:

        I still think about her, too, from time to time.

        You guys are wonderful! Even I have trouble reading my own drivel, but you actually respond. That’s the best in my book.

        This morning I left my therapist a message saying I was sorry. I hope she understands what I’m talking about.

        Can’t write much. Kids have me!

  6. Lothlorien Says:

    It is understandable to feel that way from time to time. I do, and at some points in my journey I felt that way more than not. It is so hard, and at least for me, often it is that I just want “it” to stop, not necessarily my life to stop. It can get so overwhelming at times, so exhausting. I do hope that if you need it you will give your T a chance. You actually have a lot of strength. I can see it in your writing. However, even tge strong need a shoulder to lean on from time to time. In fact I sometimes need to be scraped off the floor. I can say that fir me, I have never been sorry I reached out, even when it necessitated my being hospitalized. Take care…..Sending caring energy your way as you get through the tough times.

    • roseroars Says:

      I think that it’s because I’ve really attempted twice (and have the scars for everyone to see) that I know I’d do it, she knows I’d do it, and let everyone fend for themselves. I already have the letters written, although I did give my husband my “suicide pack” of 100+ Percocet, Vicodin, and Tylenol#3 late last year as my therapist asked. Maybe I made her feel that all of our hard work is for naught and that I still am quite comfortable offing myself.

      Being hospitalized scares the crap out of me, too. I’m very afraid to reach out and end up in the hospital.

      When I think about suicide I believe that I’m doing everyone a favor, including myself. Meredith wrote: “The thing is, this may be a personal decision, but those who remain become keepers of the consequences. I know you really, really love your kids… and what happened to you was not their fault. But they will feel responsible, and they won’t know how to live with it.” I’ve never thought of it that way. I’m trying to see it from that perspective. But to be honest, I have never been that committed to this life, and I have trouble believing that what I’m experiencing is real. Is that derealization? I don’t know. Am I making sense?

      • roseroars Says:

        I forgot to say thank you for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time to write that.

  7. Lothlorien Says:

    I was TERRIFIED of being in the hospital. My therapist basically made my husband admit me the first time, and I was so suicidal my body was like mush, so it didn’t take much force. I had begun an attempt, gotten partially through it. I remember him saying we’re going and him having to put my shoes on etc, but then I remember nothing until I was in there hours later, already admitted, and sitting witha Social Worker in front of me. Then it was blank again until morning. The first day I had a few panic attacks just because I was “in the hospital”. Literally hyperventilated, had hot flashed, and almost threw up. I have to say, though, the staff there (predominately my therapist and the nurses) were very kind to me, and I also began to meet other patients who fir all intensive purposes seemed “normal”, and I began to settle. It turned out to be a pretty good experience, but too short to help me. I was released in 4 days(as is usual fir hospitals), and within a few days I was back to “death”. This time my therapist recommended a trauma program in TX run by Dr. Colin Ross. I went there, scared again, but thinking of my kids, fir 3 weeks. It was AWESOME!!!! The staffwas great and the other clients were not “crazy”. It is not “general population” but a program fir trauma survivors. It was a life saver for me.

    I am sad hearing you so depressed. I know what it’s like to be so depressed, and I am sad that you are in that place. Take care, and know that there are people who care about you.

  8. castorgirl Says:

    It’s difficult when your standing at the edge of abyss to know how to step back, or even if stepping back is possible.
    It’s difficult to know if you’ve forced yourself into this position, or whether this is the only reality. It sure feels like the only reality when you’re standing there – or sitting there looking at the suicide pack.

    I’ve talked to a friend who was suicidal on the phone for 4 hours, talking them down and through the moment. I’d happily do the same for you, so would your therapist if you allowed her that opportunity.

    It’s obvious that you love your children. No, they wouldn’t get over your loss easily or quickly. I know staying around because of others isn’t a long term solution, but it can sometimes help you through the moment.

    I hate hospitals. They are triggering and hellish. But sometimes they are necessary. Paul from MindParts has been in hospital a couple of times lately. I consider him strong for going through the hard work he did in there. It saved his life, and for that I’m grateful. Yes, people may look at you differently if they find out that you’ve been in hospital. But, do they need to know? I’ve been sectioned and hospitalised a couple of times and only one person at work knows.

    Take care,

    • Lothlorien Says:

      “It sure feels like the only reality when you’re standing there – or sitting there looking at the suicide pack.”

      Yes, it does!


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