Time is a terrible thing to waste *possible trigger*

June 22, 2010

So it’s a horrendous day, I can’t focus, and my car is still in the shop which means some horrible disaster will happen at school and I’ll have no way to get there. Then I started thinking…think, think, look at the computer screen… think, think, look at the keyboard (yes, it’s still there)…think, think…..ah yes…

*****possible triggers*****

Reading blogs is often triggering, which is okay. Sometimes that’s the best way to bring certain issues to the surface so I can help myself or even realize them. I’m never upset about that. Rather, I appreciate that one is willing to lay it out and share their experience with others. Reading other’s stories, questions, perceived failures and susscesses is one of the few things I look forward to.

I think I may have a point here…..soon……maybe not… First, a question: How do you feel about purposely triggering yourself to get information about your personal history? (Yeah I have done that before and there is much wailing and knashing of teeth.)

Another question: What the hell does it mean if I’m carrying a stuffed animal, a sex toy, and Avon catalogues in my purse at the same time? (I’m thinking different ages put them in at different times, but I just noticed them together tonight when my daughter asked to play with my phone. She didn’t find all those things, though.)

From your personal therapeutic and non-therapeutic experience how far off kilter am I, and what would be some good questions to ask in therapy? You get full credit for any suggeations and ideas. It’s hard to see what’s going on from the inside, and the inside is a mess. I am beginning to think that certain children are taking advantage of this, too. “Oh no, Mom. You said I could have it. You just forgot.”, or, “No I didn’t do that. You probably did that and just don’t remember.”. Me sees a mutiny a-risin’!

Finally, it is not easy to respect your alters when they have no respect for you. I know it’s still early on in DID World, and it can be normal for there to be internal chaos, but I’ve lost control and anarchy has ensued. I don’t know if I’m dissociating or switching or what. That’s a question I have for the therapist on Thursday.Β  This post made no sense. Oh, don’t act like you’re surprised! Now it’s time for some sleep.

13 Responses to “Time is a terrible thing to waste *possible trigger*”

  1. Lothlorien Says:

    First of all, you are NOT so “off kilter”. Pretty much everyone who has been diagnosed DID has been where you are. You are in the beginning stages of healing where you are still trying to grasp the reality of it all, and I personally think you are doing great!! Why? Because you are actively trying to understand yourself and your “selves”. You are trying to connect and trying to manage. If you polled people with DID and asked what was the craziest time in your therapy, I bet you’d get an overwhelming majority that would say the period following diagnosis. Pandira’s box has been opened, and once the alters are “seen” it is like they come out of the woodwork. Things seem to get worse, but I was never sure if they were getting worse or if I was just noticing the switching more. It does get better!!!

    Second, I have purposefully triggered myself, but not to get information about a memory. I have done it to pull up the feelings and hopefully be able to cry and release them. Sometimes successful; sometimes not.

    I do not think it means anything that you have those things in your purse. It means more that you didn’t know that they were there, but you are on your way in the area of internal communication. You are getting to know your parts and attempting to get along. Keep up this good work, and there will come a time where these little surprises happen less and less.

    Honestly, I think you’re doing great! It just takes time.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you for writing that. I felt much better this morning after seeing it.

      The internal communication was going so well for a while and then *whammo!* – nothin’. I’m afraid of what I may be saying or doing and not realizing it. That’s another reason why I don’t want to volunteer next school year.

      Thank you very much.

      • meredith Says:

        I think you’re dealing, plain and simple. Lothlorien said it all, and said it well. The first stage of actively working with DID seemed to drag the life out of every cell in my body for a long time.

        I will deliberately trigger myself if I’m “stuck,” and it starts to interfere with daily living. However, I am very specific about the way I do it and make sure that I take “time out” from social obligations and other external intrusions because I know it’s going to be major surgery for me when I finally have to resort to making that decision.

        I’m very glad that I had the freedom of being alone during most of the intense years of therapy. I don’t know if I could have juggled ‘life as normal’ and ~meredith~ in meltdown simultaneously. I admire your pluck.

        You’re really doing well, Lisa. Take yourself out to a movie or for ice cream… or something to reward ALL of you for the hard work that’s being done. Make a date with yourself, set the boundaries before leaving… and then have a good time. Invite your entire SELF, and thank them for working so hard.

        Maybe the contents of your purse will change. πŸ™‚

  2. Bee Says:

    “How do you feel about purposely triggering yourself to get information about your personal history?” Honestly, I do it all the time. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m triggered but I want to know why my splits were created and who I need to stay away from now (like family members, etc). I feel like when I purposely trigger myself, I have some control. It also helps me to work on releasing things so when I am accidentally triggered I can release more easily and calmly.

    Whenever my splits get “crazy” in my head, I have them write. I open up a word document for them and each of them come out on their own and write what they are feeling or what they want to say. Sometimes they have typed out conversations with each other. Sometimes I find a letter from them to me or from them to my T. Sometimes I find funny jokes or sad stories and memories. I have found that just letting them write when things are crazy, it helps everyone to calm down and feel like they are heard. I share each writing with my T in our sessions and this makes my splits feel really good about themselves. I also find that when I’m trying to figure something out and I have them write, I find more answers.


    • roseroars Says:

      I don’t know if that’s the healthiest thing for us to do, but I feel better knowing I’m not the only one who does it. Yeah, I also do it to release feelings.

      Thank you for that suggestion! I’ll try writing things out with them.

      Thank you very much.

  3. I love how you can be funny even in the middle of feeling “off kilter”. How off kilter are you? Maybe that’s a good question for your therapist? I would guess about as much as anyone else with DID. (joke – in case you missed it as I’m not so good with those as you are). I think carrying all that stuff in your purse just means you have DID. πŸ™‚

    I’ve never thought of triggering myself to try to get more memories to surface. Now I am thinking about it, I wouldn’t want to. I’d rather just keep going at a pace that’s right for me. But I do totally get the wanting to know “what the h$#& happened in my life?!?” thing. When I was first diagnosed, that’s what I did for about 2-3 years. Now I am both glad that I know and regret finding out the way I did (when I found out, I just re-traumatised myself and I was a really big mess).

    I also think you’re doing great during the possibly most difficult time of the DID journey.


    • roseroars Says:

      “I think carrying all that stuff in your purse just means you have DID.” – you are so right! Duh, me.

      You are a keeper, Dawn. Thank you so much.

  4. castorgirl Says:

    There’s something to be said for allowing the memories to come in their own time… it’s gentler on the system and helps to encourage trust.

    Saying that, I trigger myself purposefully for different reasons – self-injury, punishment, to try and force knowledge, etc. I often find that it hurts more than helps, but still can’t seem to stop it. There’s four blogs in particular that I read which are dangerous and negative for me; but I often find myself looking for new posts from them, and going back to read the really dangerous posts when there aren’t new ones.

    Sometimes it’s a fine line between trying to discover your past, and re-victimising yourself.

    I can often be triggered without warning within a blog that I consider safe. So, it’s impossible to stay totally trigger free. But, learning when to stop reading or watching something is important. I try to keep my blog safe, but I know I triggered at least two people with my post today…

    As for the different items in your bag… well sometimes that’s a message from different parts, sometimes it’s different parts living their life as they see it, and sometimes it just is what it is. Until that magical goal of communication happens, there are likely to be more surprises. Sometimes the surprises are good – Ivory (Shades of Ivory) used to find money stashed around her house; sometimes the surprises aren’t so good.

    Ah yes children, gotta love ’em. If nothing else, that sort of thing will play on your mind and make you second guess yourself. They may have said the same thing last year and you didn’t think anything of it; but now you have a name to put to a set of behaviours and ways of being, so you look at the same words in a different light.

    Take care,

    • Lothlorien Says:

      My kids (especially my teenagers) definitely know how to work the system and when to ask for things based on my “mood”. They don’t know about the DID consciously, but they definitely sense something subconsciously. When they say I said they could do something I don’t recall orthat “we did it before” I just tell them,”Well, I must’ve been out of my mind.” and claim temporary insanity (jokingly of course). Since I have gotten better, their use of my “moods”/system has been more unsuccessful for them.

      • roseroars Says:

        Thank you! I’m so happy you mentioned that your children have done similar things. I often wonder if it’s that special time for me to go completely insane or sell the children. Thank you very much.

    • roseroars Says:

      Thank you very much. I often think of my system as an alien entity and in no way connected to me. You made a good point of being more gentle on the system, which may help me feel more connected to it.

      Sometimes I think I’m being gaslighted by these creatures I live with, but it’s usually just me being hypersensitive. I’m always on guard about everything.

  5. tai0316 Says:

    I’m going to agree with all of the above. I think the time after diagnosis is not so great and things get really confusing. I think you’re super-strong to be handling this situation in your life and that makes you the opposite of off-kilter! πŸ™‚

    • roseroars Says:

      Aww shucks, tai. Thank you. If only you could have seen Mega Sarcastic Bitch at the psychiatrist’s office yesterday you would see just how off-kilter I am. I thought he was going to put me in time-out after the first few minutes.

      Thank you for saying that. Each day I’m still alive makes me think I may be on the right track and stronger than I feel I am.

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