Nightmares & Truth

May 30, 2010

Each night for just over one month I have been awakened one to three hours after going to bed. It’s usually the same thing that wakes me up – everything is black and I can’t see and I can’t breathe. Every night the reason becomes clearer, the emotions get stronger, and I wake up in a worse way – covered in sweat, actually not breathing as if I’ve forgotten how, and unable to move or save myself.

It’s happened again tonight, one hour after I went to bed. It doesn’t matter if I take a sleep aid or listen to my relaxation sounds and music.

I think that DID therapy is akin to Sherlock Holmes-style detection. The more I learn about my past through body memories, visual and auditory memories, and the resounding “Yes! You are figuring it out!” from my alters the more I am reminded of Holmes’ most oft-quoted principle:

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth“.

This is just as true for figuring out where you left your car keys as to what happened in your childhood that caused you to fragment and compartmentalize.

So I see what I see, hear what I hear, know what I feel, and am left with the truth of my childhood, or lack thereof. I don’t want to believe it. I still hope my brain is making this up, but what little I remember of my childhood before I re-entered therapy was just a teeny glimpse of what horrible things actually happened.

This week my husband is home on vacation. We have already talked about giving me some space when I need it, not expecting to be intimate just because the kids are in school unless I want to, and being there for me if flashbacks/memories, etc., become intense. At least he is supportive even if he doesn’t completely understand.

All of these memories returning is paradoxical. It is quite a relief and I hardly need any Xanax, and on the other hand I am tormented by nightmares. I suppose it should even itself out somewhat eventually, but I would love some middle ground as the host of this body. It’s not easy, but I really didn’t expect it to be. I only hoped it would be easy.

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