Forgetting, Remembering, and War

May 28, 2010

Forgot I had sewing class today

Forgot I had to cook dinner yesterday (kids reminded me)

Forgot to walk dogs

Forgot daughter had a concert a couple of nights ago

Forgot it was a holiday weekend

Forgot I had to volunteer at school

Forgot to eat again

Forgot to feed animals

Forgot to do my hair

Forgot I purchased several items at stores and on eBay until I came across receipts and items arrived in the mail

Remembered all the words to “Comfortably Numb”, “Call Me Irresponsible”, and “Artificial Flowers” while listening to my MP3 player (think there’s a connection?)

Remembered to take care of the birds

I’m trying to work with my various parts, but the resistance is very strong. I’ve tried writing, speaking out loud, speaking internally, having meetings, but it’s not working. It feels like a belligerent alter army is building inside to overthrow me. Two (or 4 or 10) can play at this game! My host army shall rise against them!

In other news I am doing better controlling my sexual self-injury, but it’s hard. I also received a call this morning from my GYN and I do have an infection, so that could be contributing to the itchy, painful feelings. So, if you do sexually self-injure, be sure it is not connected with an infection. It can be a physical as well as a psychological problem.

I am secluding myself again, too. One person I had hoped to get to know better is just using me as a sounding board to tell me her problems. So much for trying to reach out a little again. No more.

Hubby isn’t listening to me, either. Last night I was able to have a serious conversation with him and his full attention, but that was the first time in many, many days. He (and the kids) just tune me out and interrupt me most of the time. I thought I was being hypersensitive, so I kept track and they really are doing it a lot.

I was wondering………I feel I don’t have as much internal control lately and go from being very depressed to running around like a freakazoid, to crying during movies or shows, to singing and dancing along with my MP3 player, to disappointment and apathy with everything, etc.. Could that be a result of alters popping up and my not having the control over it that I felt I had a couple of weeks ago? The more difficult work we do in therapy the worse this gets. I don’t understand how I can live while trying to manage everything. I don’t understand how some of you do it. It feels overwhelming. Too much stuff. I don’t understand how I made it this far.

I’m going to try and so some work with my rebellious alter army for a bit.

Have a safe and pleasant holiday weekend you Americans. Anything special going on down under?


4 Responses to “Forgetting, Remembering, and War”

  1. You’re doing difficult work in therapy? That explains a lot. Maybe you need to slow down a bit? Maybe take a week break from difficult work and just focus on grounding for a bit? Just some thoughts. Wishing you some peace,


    • roseroars Says:

      Yeah….. Actually I am slowing down. We talk in therapy and I am going home and just letting it sink in.

      I am taking your peace and putting it to good use! Thank you very much.

  2. Lothlorien Says:

    It could be switching, but it coukd also be the emotional rollercoaster that seems to happen when one is new to the diagnosis, new to therapy, and still trying to process all this. And yes, it is VERY overwhelming at first. Hang in there.

    • roseroars Says:

      I didn’t think about the diagnosis still being new. That’s a good thought. I’ve been in and out of therapy for 25 years, but obviously not with this diagnosis.

      Thank you very much for that observation.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: