If I can’t be incoherent with you, then who?

May 24, 2010

One little, two little, three little Xanax

Four little, five little, six little Trileptal

Seven little, eight little, nine little Abilify

Ten little psychiatric drugs!

Everybody sing!

One little, two little, three little Wellbutrin

Four little, five little, six little more Xanax

Seven little, Eight little, nine little coping techniques to help with flasbacks

Ten little things I never expected I’d need after being diagnosed DID!

+++++Keep moving…..nothing to see here….+++++

Hubby inherited a little money from his grandmother, so what do we buy? Underwear and gloves. We are so exciting. Maybe we will move on to the exciting world of pencils and erasers next.

+++++Please ma’am, let the professionals do their job….+++++

Tomorrow morning I have a GYN appointment. I’m going to make sure the younger ones are safe and secure and hope my sexual self-injuries are healed. Maybe I won’t need an exam since it is a follow-up. I hope, I hope. I’m scared. If she sees it will she want me hospitalized? I already rescheduled once because of my sexual self-injurious behavior, but she is busy and I need a new prescription for my endo.

I don’t relax anymore. Pace, pace, pace….. I have sewed 6 curtains, one pair of capris, a mixer cover, two oven mitts, 2 aprons, a hot pad, and crocheted a shawl, coasters, and decorative hangings over the past week. I have cooked up a storm and cleaned a lot, too. If I relax they will all start talking and I’ll just cry and cry. If I fall asleep the nightmares will start and I can’t wake myself up from them. I’m stuck. The therapist asked me to take it easy and look what happened. At least I’m productive and not taking it out on myself or drinking anymore.

Meds are making me sleepy. Hello nightmares. Good night you lovely people.

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8 Responses to “If I can’t be incoherent with you, then who?”

  1. meredith Says:

    Hope your appointment goes well for you. It’s so hard to explain to a doctor why they aren’t a “safe person,” as they stand over you with a mask, completely covered…etc. 🙂 I have to go visit Social Security today, and I can’t wait! I just love how special I feel when I go in.

    • roseroars Says:

      Oh Meredith,….it was horrible. I had to tell her about the sexual self-injury (the subject had to come up because of something else) and she wanted to take a look and I just cried and cried. Lucky for me I wore water-proof mascara today (it’s really humid here). She was so good about it, though, and tried very hard to make me feel alright. That just made me feel worse. I have to go back in 2 weeks for a follow-up. I just want to cut and cut and cut…. So, instead I am running around the house doing “stuff”, and I just noticed that the animals are avoiding me.

      Thanks for the well-wishes. I am lucky that she is a very caring and concerned GYN.

      • meredith Says:

        I’m sorry it was so bad for you. Maybe it’s all right that your doc saw the injuries, though. It’s a really BIG situation to be negotiating on your own, don’t you think? I know how crappy the shame is because I’ve had to face my own issues with self harm, an then share them with my therapists. But the trade off for not telling was ruining my health. It was really, really bad for awhile, and my psych doc just shut me down and told me I could deal or he was going to put me in a long term care facility. LONG, LONG term care facility. Shiver.

        Please cut carrots…

        ~meredith~

      • roseroars Says:

        I’ve had that threat, too. It’s embarrassing that so many (well, 4) people know about it.That does give me more of an incentive to stop, though.

        I cut onions.

  2. Lothlorien Says:

    You said,
    ” I don’t relax anymore. Pace, pace, pace….. I have sewed 6 curtains, one pair of capris, a mixer cover, two oven mitts, 2 aprons, a hot pad, and crocheted a shawl, coasters, and decorative hangings over the past week. I have cooked up a storm and cleaned a lot, too. If I relax they will all start talking and I’ll just cry and cry. If I fall asleep the nightmares will start and I can’t wake myself up from them. I’m stuck. The therapist asked me to take it easy and look what happened. At least I’m productive and not taking it out on myself or drinking anymore.”

    Oh…..I can identify. Especially with the idea of trying to hush out the DID. it’s like staying busy asan attempt to talk over it. Ihate thisetimes because ifeel so aggitated and exhausted but I can’t stop. There was a time where I wondered if I could have bipolar (milder form), but these episodes are a coping mechanism in response to events not mania, though it feelswhat I would imagine hypomania would.

    Love your song!! Nice use of humor! You gotta laugh sometimes or you really will go bonkers.
    Lothlorien

    • roseroars Says:

      Awww….you liked my ditty! I made it up all by myself.

      Yes…busy, busy. Today I crocheted a cover, filled up with stones, filter, and decorations a 20-gallon tank for the frogs, and I’m off to vacuum and sew. No one can stop me! Mwa-ha-ha!

      I’m going to fall over soon, I can tell.

      My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with rapid-cycling bipolar II with dissociative elements (say that ten times fast). He is not ready to say DID, but he doesn’t really disagree with my therapist. You’re right, though, the two disorders share a lot of similar symptoms.

      Thank you for you comments.

  3. castorgirl Says:

    Good on you for not taking it out on yourself! That really is a huge step.

    Sorry about the appointment… But I’m also glad you’re taking care of yourself – no matter how scary and shame inducing that may feel.

    Take care,
    CG

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks. I go back next week and she was going to talk to an OB/GYN with experience in child abuse and see if she can give me some advice.


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