Rambling between 1:30 and 2:30am

May 20, 2010

A few days ago I wrote about wrinkles and how old and ugly I seem in the mirror. Yesterday my daughter came home with an Avon order I placed a few weeks ago and it was chock-full of Anew 40+ items. Last night I applied them 3 times each before bed, instead of just the twice a day as recommended. So now my eyelashes will be fuller, my eyes will have an eye lift, my skin will be smooth and wrinkle-free, and my face will be firm and lovely. My hands will regain their youthful appearance as well. I really didn’t know I ordered those. I know I had ordered big hair rollers and something for the youngest, but that’s it.

Someone inside is disgusted with our physical appearance. I don’t think I’m pretty, but I don’t want to vomit over me, either. My hair is thick, straight, and past my butt, and my legs stayed fairly shapely after having 3 kids, but I am overweight. (Only 25 pounds to go!)

I wonder when I got ugly. Last year I saw the little wrinkles and the white hair and thought “Battle scars” and I was fine with them. Once I colored my hair, got some compliments, but it wasn’t me.


This morning (1:30am) I awoke in the middle of sexually self-injuring myself and in a sweat. My dreams were nightmares and I came downstairs here to start cutting. I thought what a stupid, worthless, piece-of-shit I am, and who do I think I am walking around like I’m special. Screw this. I was walking around (actually stomping) and I saw the shawl I’m crocheting.

That pattern is not too bad. Bad picture, though. Seeing that I had a talent for something made me feel a little better, but that’s the only good thing I can think of now.

One week ago I placed another Avon order and I can’t remember what I ordered besides lip gloss. I know the girls and I picked out lip glosses, but I don’t know what else. I started ordering Avon products when I was 14, so maybe it’s a younger part around that age buying some of these products.

I didn’t know I was DID until March this year. So many of you have been diagnosed for years and it’s new for me. I didn’t even know they had changed the name from MPD. Many of you talk about your Systems and how they experience your daily lives and I’m still figuring out what’s going on inside. A new person came through Tuesday afternoon. It’s amazing to me that they are separate personalities and have their own likes and dislikes. This is not what I imagined it could be like. At least I have friends now, though.

I want to be okay and I do not feel I am, or will be.

One thing that brings me pleasure is my birds. I have several feeders outside the kitchen window and a very happy (and fat) bird community. The humming birds returned 3 days ago and the grosbeaks came back as well. I feel joy when I watch them, but I can’t feel that for my own children. Man, I’m all over the place this morning.

It’s 2:30am now and I’m going to try and get back to sleep.


4 Responses to “Rambling between 1:30 and 2:30am”

  1. Lothlorien Says:

    It is tough in the beginning (re: DID treatment). I remember, for me, it seemed like it got worse before it got better. I think I was just noticing things more, and some of my parts were all too happy to be out! Some seemed to like that now they had someone that will listen to them and they were coming out a lot. It was crazy, but it does get better.

    I like the blanket a lot! I have always wanted to crochet, but despite numerous attempts, I have not been able to. I am a crochet clutz!

    I like birds too. We have 2 birds as pets at our house. One parrot and a small rose breasted cockatoo. I especially like watching them bathe/groom. Do you have a bird bath too?
    ~ Lothlorien

    • roseroars Says:

      I do have a birdbath, but the Rottie/St. Bernard kept drinking out of it and the cats waited for the birds to land in it. It has been decommissioned.

      The DID diagnosis and therapy for it make sense for a change. All the crazy stuff I’ve done (keep doing) actually has a name. My psychiatrist (I got him just last month) disagrees a little and has diagnosed me with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder with dissociative elements. My therapist and psychiatrist get along well and the meds for both are the same, so it’s all right all around.

      Crocheting used to be my therapy. That pattern seemed awfully pretty and I’m nearly done. I’m glad you like it.

  2. castorgirl Says:

    I think the pattern is awesome… Did I tell you I’m in constant awe of people who are talented with creative crafts? I am… I’m pretty shamelessly jealous actually 🙂 I can do cross stitch at a pinch… but get all serious and perfectionist about it, so end up hunching up my shoulders and causing carpel tunnel.

    The thing about DID is that you can have some parts seeing pretty, where others see ugly… some seeing overweight, where some see underweight… some feel/see old, while others maintain a feeling of being young. It’s a minefield of conflicting viewpoints. Trying to find some positive statement to end off this paragraph… hmmm… nope, it’s a minefield and your best bet is to increase communication to find out what’s going on behind the need to buy the products. It could be someone buying out of habit, or because of the way they view the body. In some ways, if it’s about how they see the body, that’s good, because they’re seeing the body as their own, rather than being totally separate or projecting their own body image onto it.

    I’ve been dx’d DID for about four years now, and I’m still trying to figure this daily living thing out. So, don’t be hard on yourself… it’s new and will take some time to understand.

    Take care,

    • roseroars Says:

      Thanks! Crochet comes fairly easily and I have to work my butt off to do anything else.

      Hey – speaking of carpal tunnel – I have it also and an orthopedic surgeon gave me soft splints. I can cook, clean, do crafts, whatever with them. They really help!

      Some parts inside have decided we are looking better with our new Avon Anew skin regimen. My skin is so soft and smooth! And watch those wrinkles disappear! Yeah, right. My hubby is kind enough to let me indulge.

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